Starmer inspires the public with message that things can never get better

This is why Labour won by a landslide

During Labour’s election campaign, the classic D Ream song “Things can never get better” was on repeat play at Labour HQ. Yet Labour won the election by a landslide because the public were so desperate for change, they would have voted for a dead badger over Rishi Sunak.

Luckily for Starmer, the dead badger decided not to run because he might have split the anti-Tory vote. (Remember the problems the lettuce caused Liz Truss?)

Labour supporters insisted: “You must be really privileged if you can afford another five years of the Tories,” and then Starmer was immediately tougher on poor people than the Tories!

Starmer clearly stated in the Labour manifesto things would only get worse... Okay, he actually made pledges that were the opposite of that, but he has a 100% record of U-turning so we all know what he meant.

By taking advantage of your desperation to have literally anything other than the Tories in charge, Starmer won by default and fulfilled his lifelong dream of making everything worse forever. Personally, I can’t think of a more noble reason to get into politics.

I cried tears of joy when Starmer scrapped the Winter Fuel Allowance to reduce the number of pensioners with purple fingers in the most cost-effective manner - hypothermia. When Starmer said he was gonna freeze energy bills, he actually meant he was gonna freeze you, and that’s why your bills are increasing by £150 a month. To be fair, you won’t even notice the increase if you’re an MP claiming expenses on your second home.

Other cost-saving options considered by Starmer included turning disabled people into animal feed and making children do chimney sweeping, but he was concerned about stealing too many Tory ideas. Starmer wants to come up with his own ways to fuck the poor because he’s his own man. Well, not really, we all know Rachel Reeves is the one pulling the strings…

When Reeves got her way on the latest austerity measures, she shrieked in ecstasy like Suella Braverman when she’s torturing puppies at her fur farm. If the UK is good for one thing, it’s finding the most evil women imaginable and putting them in positions of power so we can pretend to be progressive. If you are opposed to evil women in power, you must hate equality in the workplace. Why are you against progress?

Public finances are such a mess, the only thing the government can afford is bombs, but to be fair, bombs are the least cost-effective and most evil things we produce so it’s perfectly understandable. There is a whole billionaire class right there, but we couldn’t possibly give them a one-off wealth tax instead of killing pensioners, could we? Any crisis must be paid for by the most vulnerable members of society. It’s only right.

Starmer says we must endure “short-term pain for long-term gain” and he only needs “ten years to turn things around”, meaning by the time he’s done, we will have had 24 years of austerity. That’s almost a quarter of a century, or one tenth of a Jacob Rees-Mogg.

There is huge concern that Labour members might rebel against Starmer, just because he’s lied pathologically and is the exact opposite of everything they stand for. Therefore, the prime minister is taking the sensible step of changing the Labour rules so party members can’t vote for a new leader.

We wouldn’t want a situation like France where Macron is refusing to accept the new government, even though his side lost, and is now acting like the elections never happened so he can rule as dictator. Western democracies are at least supposed to pretend to represent the public they completely ignore.

Ordinary people might not have a voice in our system, but a wealthy donor was given unrestricted access to Number 10 because he was extremely generous with his money. Starmer’s £5,000 suits and £1,000 glasses aren’t gonna buy themselves, are they?

When Starmer said he was gonna clean up corruption, he meant it, and that’s why he sent his wealthy friend packing, the moment they were caught being corrupt.

Starmer loves telling us he is not afraid to make tough decisions because those decisions are tough for you, not him or his donors. Those decisions are actually surprisingly easy for him and his donors because they don’t suffer the consequences. We might be going through a crisis, but the rich are getting richer and that’s what matters.

Starmer has confirmed the rich must get richer and the poor must get poorer because public finances are “worse than expected”. Sadly, he never bothered to look at the books before he became prime minister so this took him by surprise.

This is exactly what happened to Clement Attlee when he discovered we had a 250% deficit after World War II. As a result, Labour didn’t bother establishing the NHS or the welfare state, or build a shit ton of council houses. They basically left the country in ruins because it was more cost-effective to leave the UK looking like Gaza.

Doing all the above would have been crazy because Labour might have achieved full employment and turned a 250% budget deficit into a surplus. Thank god Labour has never done anything that stupid, and thanks to Starmer’s rule changes, never will again x

---

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x