There will never be another year as brilliant as 2024...
In fact, there will probably never be another year...
Since I’m the smartest person you know, I’ve come up with the super-original idea of a review of the year! I’ve looked back at the 190 articles I’ve published in 2024, and you’re not gonna believe this, but it’s exactly one year since the last time I did one of these things. I can’t believe it either!
Obviously, nothing too dramatic happened in 2024 so I’ve spent the year focusing on two things: pretending to be enthused about a Tory-continuity Labour government, and cheering on genocide! I would therefore like to take the opportunity to give myself an award.
I’m sure you agree no one in the media has done more to shamelessly promote hasbara and tell you what journalists really think. My fellow journalists have been like rabbits in the headlights, wondering if they should report the facts or cover them up, if they should tell us genocide is brilliant or pretend it’s not happening. All of them are terrified that if they say a word out of place, Netanyahu will fire them. A whole bunch of journalists have been fired since October 7th, and they deserved it because they told the truth about Israel *cough* Sangita Myska.
Obviously, I never had a problem because I loudly and proudly told you the extermination of innocent human beings is a fair price to pay for Disney Land Gaza. I’m therefore the deserving recipient of the Laura Kuenssberg Journalist of the Year award. I know you’re so happy for me!
Now to my End of Year Review where I shall regurgitate my old posts because I’m too lazy to do research, and I’ve got drinking to do. Okay, that part’s a lie. I’m a parent so I have no social life, but I can at least pretend to have one, so yeah, I’m going out tonight and doing cool young person stuff. Honest.
January 2024
The year kicked off with Tony Blair, the former prime minister and guy who played Vigo in Ghostbusters 2, being touted as Israel’s chief ethnic cleanser. To be honest, we’ve been all over the place on the ethnic cleansing front. Sometimes we’ve accused people of anti-Semitism for suggesting Israel would even dream of forcing people from their land.
At the start of the year, we were open about our desire to force Arab countries to take in the entire Palestinian population. And who would be better for the job of Middle East cleanser than Vigo the Carpathian?
Sadly, this was another one of those ideas that was foiled by the woke mob who exploited “international law” in order to do the “right thing”. As a result, poor Tony never got the chance to regain the limelight, or even escape his painting.
Other highlights from January
Prince Andrew sweated so much, he drowned three corgis as the US agreed to publish the names of Epstein’s associates; Charles and Catherine skipped the NHS winter crisis and the cancer queue to get the kind of healthcare you don’t deserve; and rich people met in Davos to discuss putting microchips in your brains (it’s the only way to make you behave).
Lord Cameron malfunctioned before a parliamentary committee when asked about Israeli war crimes because he was arming the war criminals; the Western world took a principled stand against South Africa, the original apartheid country, after it tried to stop the genocide; the US and UK illegally started a war with Yemen without a vote because the closure of the Red Sea was saving Palestinian lives; and the establishment used Epstein and Gaza to distract you from the real story of the month: aliens taking a stroll through a Miami shopping mall.
February 2024
The big story was Israel accidentally lying about a Hamas data centre beneath UNRWA HQ because it needed an excuse to bomb it. This was like the time it lied about a server room beneath a UN school because it wanted to bomb the school.
Israel went to real effort to convince you of its accidental lie. This included drilling a hole beside UNRWA HQ and telling journalists it led to the data centre. The IDF wouldn’t let journalists down the hole and instead, spliced footage to make it look like they were telling the truth. Only problem was, the fakery was so obvious, everyone apart from me burst out laughing.
Other highlights from February
The UK’s greatest ever chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, announced he was quitting politics despite his incredible achievement of collapsing the economy in two weeks; the Tories told us that selling a £560 billion investment to their mates for £96.79 did not count as corruption; and the government suddenly noticed that British people need dentists, several decades after the rest of the world.
The Archbishop of Canterbury (who resigned for covering for a paedo) refused to meet with a Palestinian pastor who stood on a stage with Jeremy Corbyn; Israel declared war on Belgium for refusing to defund UNRWA; the IDF began bombing tents in case there were tunnels beneath them; and we saw a clash of the two greatest minds of our time, Kid Rock and Joe Rogan, over Gaza. I’ll let you guess which one came down on the side of mass slaughter…
March 2024:
The British parliament showed how racist it isn’t by discussing the racist abuse suffered by Diane Abbott. Thankfully, they did not let the UK’s first black female MP discuss her experiences of that abuse, despite her standing to speak throughout the session. The house speaker sensibly ignored Diane because everyone understands the experiences of black women much better than black women do.
The prime minister explained that Frank Hester’s comments that Diane Abbott made him “want to hate all black women” were definitely not racist. Rishi insisted we should immediately forgive Frank, but Diane was not deserving of forgiveness, which is why she was still suspended from her party, one year after she addressed our racism hierarchy and suggested black people face more racism than Jews. As you can see, Diane’s comments were much worse than Frank Hester’s… because Frank is white.
Other highlights from March 2024
The British government decided to broaden the definition of extremism to mean “anything the government doesn’t like” and announced a new unit to crack down on anything the government doesn’t like, such as the Muslim Council of Britain.
The chancellor (who happened to be a landlord) offered a generous tax break to landlords - the neediest members of society; the Tories coincidentally received a £5 million donation from a guy they awarded a knighthood; the Julian Assange extradition was delayed while the government sought assurances the US would not murder him; flag shaggers decided the cross on the England football shirt was “gay” because it had purple in it; Thames Water gave the competitors in the Thames boat race E. Coli; the Princess of Wales died and was replaced by a clone; and Jordan Peterson announced that Elmo is Hamas (don’t ask).
April 2024
The biggest story of April came with Israel accidentally precision-bombing three World Central Kitchen vehicles, killing seven workers. This was an easy mistake because the vehicles were travelling over 2 km apart and had notified the IDF of their movements. Israel accidentally bombed the first vehicle, waited until the second one came to the rescue, accidentally bombed that one, waited until the third vehicle came to the rescue, and accidentally bombed that one too. Reassuringly, the IDF carried out an investigation in less than a day and found itself innocent of wrongdoing.
Other highlights from April:
A Tory MP was involved in a sex scandal for the first time in political history; Americans were relieved to survive a terrifying solar eclipse that left them without the sun for 30 seconds; Iran plotted an unprovoked attack on the country that bombed its embassy; US cops arrested a Hamas leader at Washington University called Jill Stein; Rishi Sunak solved the economic problems his government created by declaring war on disabled people; and Israel blackmailed the ICC by threatening to cancel the ceasefire it never offered, unless it forgot about the arrest warrants.
May 2024
Hamas spokesperson Sangita Myska was sacked from LBC for telling the truth about Israel. Clearly, Myska was unaware that every journalist who tells the truth about Israel is fired, and thought she could get away with this outrage.
Myska was interviewing Avi Hyman who spent the entire show justifying Israel’s illegal behaviour. Instead of nodding along like an obedient child, Myska pointed out that Israel bombed the Iranian consulate and this was considered a huge provocation. Thankfully, Myska was sacked after Zionist students in London burst into tears and said her words made them feel “unsafe”.
Other highlights from May
King Charles unveiled a portrait of himself sitting on a throne in hell, and he did not invite Prince Harry to a party that was “family only”; water privatisation worked out so well that tap water became undrinkable in the south west, thanks to a cryptosporidiosis outbreak caused by animal waste; and the Tories tried to bring back “national service” that would’ve forced young people to give up their weekends to work for private businesses for free, which would definitely not have been slavery.
The US labelled hip hop artist Macklemore a terrorist organisation; Israel rejected a ceasefire, due to concerns Hamas would release the hostages; a UN worker died from unknown causes in Gaza after bullet-sized holes appeared in their car window; the IDF decapitated babies in Gaza; Republicans tried to impeach Genocide Joe for not being genocidal enough; and America’s smartest ever leader was convicted of concealing hush money to a porn star.
June 2024
June 2024 was the most upsetting month of the year because the UK’s next prime minister, Nigel Farage, survived a milkshake attack from an OnlyFans star. The horrifying attack took place in Essex, which surprisingly is a real place, and not a fictional setting for The Only Way Is Essex.
As Nigel pointed out, that milkshake could have been acid, but it wasn’t. All the people who think it’s fine to send bombs to Israel, agreed the attacker should’ve been punished as though the milkshake was acid. The milkshake attack was unquestionably the most violent thing we have ever seen.
Other highlights from June
The IDF was included in a UN list of organisations that harm children, just because it blew up 10,000 of them and starved a million more and made them homeless; genocide supporters in the UK said the cornflour that protesters threw on Stone Henge was the worst destruction they’ve ever seen; the US declared some random guy was the rightful leader of Bolivia after the electorate chose the wrong president again; Julian Assange was freed from prison, despite undeniable evidence he is guilty of journalism; and utter bastards got hugely excited by the release of the Tory manifesto.
July 2024
Israel decided to release the head of Al-Shifa hospital after seven months of torture because the underground Hamas megabase wasn’t real after all. The US state department explained it’s only bad to bomb hospitals when Russia does it, and Israel pretended Hamas was hiding weapons behind an ultrasound machine but no one believed them. On the plus side, Israel surpassed expectations at the Olympics, taking gold in the Massacring Innocent Civilians event.
Donald Trump chose JD Vance to be his running mate because he couldn’t find anyone with a higher opinion of him than the guy who thinks he’s a cunt. Trump tragically suffered a cut to his ear at at rally, and politicians agreed that violence against rich white Americans is never okay.
Back at home, the UK decided to swap utter bastards who wear blue for utter bastards who wear red; our greatest ever prime minister, Liz Truss, lost her seat in parliament to a far-left cucumber; and dozens of jobless Tories asked the JobCentre when they can expect their flat screen TV, iPhone, gold chains, and unlimited supplies of cigarettes and alcohol. They were directed to their local foodbank.
August 2024
British police took a stand against journalists and social media users who tell the truth about Israel, pretending they’re terrorists and rounding them up. This process involved raiding people’s homes at the break of dawn, making their kids stand outside in the cold, turning their houses upside down, stealing all of their electronic devices, interrogating and electronically strip searching them, and banning them from leaving the house or using electronic equipment. This was to scare others into not talking about the genocide (unless they’re supportive like me).
Other highlights from August
Israel killed a Hamas leader due to concerns he was willing to accept a peace deal; the country that killed up to 10% of the Gaza population told Iran that killing civilians is unacceptable; and a report showed that Israel loves the LGBT community so much, it blackmails them into becoming spies for Mossad.
Sir Keir Starmer decided the best way to win the public over was to announce things can never get better; a British official resigned from the foreign office, whining about all the ways the UK and Israel are violating international law; Kamala Harris showed how much she loved Palestinians by refusing to let them speak at the DNC convention; and all the nicest people on social media accused a distraught Palestinian father of faking his child’s death.
September 2024
In September, the British government was so concerned about ICC arrest warrants that it suspended 8% of arms licences to Israel but kept the other 92% in place. It’s hoped this move will fool the ICC into thinking Starmer and Lammy are not accomplices to genocide. A Downing Street spokesperson explained the government couldn’t cancel all arms licences because the Israeli lobby would pull their funding and they have mistresses to buy gifts for.
Other highlights from September
The US politicians, who have received $100 million from AIPAC, were deeply concerned about Russian election interference; a Jewish film maker was condemned for anti-Semitism after speaking out against genocide at the Venice Awards; the mainstream media noticed that Israel invoked the Hannibal Directive on October 7th after spending a year saying it was a “conspiracy theory”; and the media rejoiced at Israel’s pager terror attack that killed and mutilated doctors, nurses and children in Lebanon. Israel promised not to make your iPhone explode as long as you behave…
October 2024
In October, Israel announced that Iran’s attack on its military bases was a failure because it didn’t kill civilians (Israel measures the success of any operation in terms of how many civilians it kills). Iran launched a bunch of cheap drones and missiles to gather data on the iron dome and other Israeli defence systems and it caused significant damage to military infrastructure. It cost Israel $1.3 billion dollars in air defence missiles, something US taxpayers are delighted to forego healthcare to pay for.
Other highlights from October
Israel used UNIFIL troops as human shields while attacking Hezbollah because it got its arse kicked in fair fights; Israel arrested Grayzone journalist Jeremy Loffredo for reporting on the damage caused by the Iranian missile attack, even though corporate journalists reported the same information; CNN explained the real victim of the genocide was the man whose job it was to run people over with a bulldozer; and after failing to attack Iran, Israel launched a brutal attack on Al-Aqsa Hospital so the UK government responded by sanctioning Iran.
November 2024
November was an exciting month because the smartest man in America won the presidency again, even though he would have lost to any sentient organism. The CIA failed to stop a second Trump presidency because it’s gone so woke, it can’t even get assassinations right any more. Defeat for the Democrats came as a shock to millions of Americans because Kamala ran a “perfect campaign” that involved offering nothing different from Genocide Joe, not even the genocide part. If you’re one of the voters who made genocide your red line, I’m sorry to say you’re a bad person.
Other highlights from November
Israel banned UNRWA from supplying aid to Gaza because keeping Palestinians alive is terrorism; Sky News apologised after one of its journalists told the truth about Maccabi Tel Aviv hooligans in Amsterdam; a UN report accused Israel of genocide, just because its soldiers and officials kept admitting to genocidal actions; Senator Lindsay Graham threatened to destroy the UK economy if we arrest Netanyahu, but he backed down when we threatened to send Liz Truss to the US; France announced that Netanyahu is above international law so it wouldn’t have to arrest him; and the British government sensibly introduced a euthanasia bill to bring down the benefits bill.
December 2024
Oh god, we’re finally up to December! You’ve no idea how long it has taken me to write this thing (I’m definitely not writing anything else this long for at least a year!) Anyway, the big story from December was the coup in South Korea that tragically ended after just six hours, meaning Liz Truss no longer holds the record for shortest attempted dictatorship.
For those of you who’ve never heard of Korea, it’s a peninsula in the “far east” where the US did one of its well-meaning genocides in the 1950s. Since then, the only thing Korea has ever done is a show called Squid Game where everyone competed to be the last one alive to win money. Obviously, the show is absolutely nothing like capitalism.
Other highlights from December
After agreeing a ceasefire with Lebanon, Israel showed restraint by breaking it only 20 times a day; a US court upheld the coming TikTok ban to avoid upsetting Israel; Syria was liberated by Al-Qaida so Israel stole a chunk of Syria and carpet-bombed the rest of it; and the IDF kidnapped another hospital director after pretending he is Hamas.
It was revealed the BBC has a secret editor whose job it is to cover for Israel (and surprisingly that editor is not me!); Elon Musk pledged to buy the next UK election for Nigel Farage; Luigi Mangione caused outrage by killing the CEO who introduced an algorithm that kills Americans for profit; and Prince Andrew had his Christmas cancelled because his family didn’t want to hang out with a nonce.
As you can see, it has been another brilliant year for this amazing species that definitely isn’t on the brink of extinction. Obviously, it’s fair and sensible to be bringing children into this stable and friendly world where the future is bright… like 30 megatons bright… By the way, did I mention I had a baby in August? We’ve just celebrated his first Christmas, it was lovely. Happy new year, everyone x
Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article as much as I did, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x
Laura. I commend you for fighting the GREAT BRITISH EMPIRE
God, this year sucked. Its only conceivable purpose will probably be to prepare us for an even shittier 2025.