Following the dramatic shooting at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner that tragically killed zero politicians, the entire internet jumped to the conclusion that the whole thing was staged. No one could accept that Americans are amazingly good at shooting school kids, but can’t shoot one big, fat orange man. They all agreed this was implausible.

To make matters worse, everyone had predicted another false flag! Smug social media users are dragging up their tweets from last week where they said Trump is gonna stage an assassination attempt to distract us from all his other failed distractions — and he only went and fucking did it! Weirdly, it looks like these people do not have psychic powers, just basic pattern recognition skills.

At first, I tried to defend the president and accuse them all of being conspiracy theorists, but this latest plot was so embarrassing, I just gave up.

Trump was recently told by a judge that he couldn’t build his ballroom without congressional approval, unless there was a security threat, so he did the natural thing: he hired a fake assassin so that an Israeli architect called Shalom Baranes could build the ballroom and Mossad could place its spy tech everywhere.

Trump had never previously attended a White House Correspondent’s Dinner, and when he agreed to attend this one, Karoline Leavitt kept saying things like there will be “shots fired” and Trump will “bring the heat” in what was either a bizarre Freudian slip or a deliberate attempt to play with us!

Immediately after the shooting took place, the president, his colleagues, and Twitter bots all declared this sort of security threat is why they need the ludicrously extravagant ballroom! We saw hundreds of identical tweets (and a barely readable long-form post from the president) insisting this is the only way to protect Trump from false flags. I mean, you could at least have waited a few days so it didn’t look so obvious, guys!

The story was just as badly thought through as every other plot Kash Patel has scripted, and I’m unsure if it’s down to his drinking or if he’s just a moron. It could be both.

What you are expected to believe is that someone breached the US president’s security perimeter with a gun for the third time. Even worse, the US is at war, meaning you are expected you to believe the Secret Service hired the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet to protect the president. Even Nicolas Maduro’s security wasn’t this weak!

We are told the gunman charged at a security checkpoint and shot a police officer in his bullet proof vest—an attack that could never have succeeded in reaching the president, making him the worst would-be assassin in history.

Multiple shots were fired in response and the shooter was pinned to the ground, but there was not a drop of blood, nor any suggestion of trauma in his face. He looked calm and relaxed as he lay cuffed, facedown, and not remotely injured. Perhaps he was a robot.

When the shots were going off, RFK jr didn’t even bother ducking because he had read the script. He had the look of a man who was wondering what the hell he had been dragged into. Sadly, Trump’s security team forgot Melania existed as they escorted the president to safety with zero sense of urgency. The only part of this that looked real was Stephen Miller using his pregnant wife as a human shield.

Shortly after the shooting, key figures in Trump’s team were caught on camera, giggling and smirking like naughty school kids who had just pranked their teacher. Trump took out his phone and posted on Truth Social to get a few likes, and then he arranged a press conference in record time. This was so weird, even a BBC journalist questioned it.

A Fox News reporter was telling us about about the false flag indications live on air, but she was cut off before she could say too much. She explained she was sitting next to Karoline Leavitt’s husband who told her “stay calm, this appears to be…” shortly before the bullets started flying.

The official story was falling apart so Kash Patel decided the best thing was to put out his evidence, fast. Only the fucking idiot left the watermark on one of his AI videos. I face-palmed so hard, I gave myself a black eye.

Normally, the shooter’s manifesto would not be released to avoid inspiring other shooters, but this one was quickly released. It explicitly targeted all of Trump’s key officials, apart from Kash Patel, presumably because it was written by Kash Patel.

We were initially told the shooter had been killed, rather than apprehended, because some idiot forgot to read the script. We were told he had an AR-15, but the weapon looked more like a makeshift shotgun. It’s fair to say they’re messing this story up as badly as they messed up the Tyler Robinson story.

For three whole days before the shooting, there was a massive spike in Google searches for the shooter’s name. Why do intelligence agencies always make this so obvious?

Anyways, they found out everything about this guy faster than they found the passports after 9/11. Apparently, 31 -year-old Cole Tomas Allen attended the elite Caltech University, became a rocket scientist and worked on AI models, mapping planets. He also built robots as a hobby. He worked at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory where all those scientists have mysteriously gone missing. I’m not making this up!

Clearly, the guy was a genius and yet he switched careers, becoming a part-time teacher and self-employed indie game developer… who became an assassin? That’s a weird career trajectory, right? No wonder Trump is keen to fire Kash Patel. You can’t have a drunk guy doing your propaganda!

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It was initially feared that the president had been killed, but then everyone realised he was just napping again. When informed that her husband was still alive, the first lady broke down in tears. I’m assuming these were tears of joy, but I’m unclear why Melania kept saying: “fuck, fuck, fuck”. I’m putting it down to shock.

The dinner was unfortunately cancelled and Trump took to Truth Social to get a few likes before holding a press conference where he called the shooter a “thug” and a “lone wolf”. He has been charged with firearms and assault offences, but Kash Patel has yet to find any bullet engravings, presumably because he is drunk and about to get fired.

It’s unclear if this shooting was a false flag like the last one, but either way, Trump should definitely use it as an excuse for more authoritarianism. If I were him, I’d cancel the mid-terms and introduce martial law to protect myself from any further false flags. It’s the only way to stop the radical left.

Here is the difference between us and them: we value human life and they don’t.

It is utterly despicable to target leaders, unless we’re talking about Nicolas Maduro, or Ayatollah Khamenei, or maybe the Cuban president whose name I can’t remember. Obviously, it’s fine to target the leaders of countries we don’t like. What do you mean, you don’t like the US?

The US is a democracy that always respects international law when it’s not bombing other countries back to the stone age. This is why you are obliged to cry for its rapists, paedophiles, and war criminals. Anything less would make you a terrorist!

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As millions of people (okay, just me) sobbed, those in attendance seemed strangely disinterested in offering CPR. Melania sat off to the side, filing her nails like she had seen this movie a million times. The boys’ eyes lit up as Ivanka whispered something about an “inheritance” and everyone else just gawped.

Why is the president not moving? someone whispered. Who is going to make our policy decisions now? The answer is the same people who were making them before, genius!

For 11 glorious, I mean excruciating minutes, the agony dragged on. I exchanged panicked glances with my fellow journalists because we weren’t sure whether to pretend this is normal presidential behaviour. I mean we’ve normalised everything else: paedophilia, war crimes, insider trading…

Tensions rose as JD Vance and Pete Hegseth debated whether to prepare an obituary or let Trump govern from the grave like Biden did. Then came the greatest moment since the resurrection of the Easter bunny. Trump’s eyes snapped open. I shrieked “Yes!” Melania audibly groaned and Ivanka muttered “for fuck’s sake.”

President Trump checked his ear for fake blood, straightened his tie, and then delivered the most historic resurrection speech in two millennia:

“I was dead. Totally dead. The best death anyone’s ever seen, believe me. They said, ‘Sir, he’s gone.’ But I looked at Death and said, ‘You’re fired. You’re a loser.’ And here I am.”

Trump’s spiritual adviser Paula White lost her mind, but to be fair, I think that was many years ago. “Just like Jesus!” she shrieked, checking Trump’s hands for stigmata. One megachurch pastor started live streaming and asking for donations to build the “Trump Empty Tomb Experience.”

Predictably, the party poopers at CNN got their fact checkers on the case, arguing Trump technically wasn’t dead. They brought on a “doctor” who said it was normal for men Trump’s age to nap during the day, and totally normal for barely sentient meat puppets to remain in politics until they drop. They pointed out Democrats do this all the time.

Trump slammed the fake news for undermining his accidental publicity stunt. He blamed Iranian Lego videos and the deep state for trying to cancel him. Within 45 minutes, Hasan Piker had been arrested for attempted murder. He is now being kept in ICE detention after Kash Patel personally found bullets in his hotel room, engraved with the words “Antifa” and “trans rights”. It was the next best thing to a smoking gun. Never mind that Trump wasn’t actually shot. It didn’t stop them last time!

It’s fair to say this was the closest escape since that time Trump faked an assassination attempt in Transylvania and got ketchup on his ear that has since regrown its cartilage. Just know that not even Jesus came back from the dead twice. This proves that Trump is the best saviour ever.

By 4pm, the president was holding a press conference where he unveiled new merchandise, including “I Died For Your Sins” t-shirts and “TRUMP 2028 – HE IS RISEN” bumper stickers. The president even announced he will add a new book to the Bible: The Gospel According to Mar-a-Lago.

“And lo, he tweeted from the tomb.”

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The Iranians were not just winning the war, they were humiliating the president with their AI-generated Lego videos that were somehow making him look like an idiot. Trump therefore demanded the US up their AI game, and thankfully, the Department of War did just that.

In the most convincing move since the FBI revealed those transgender Antifa bullets that killed Charlie Kirk, an AI-slop account released pictures of eight highly convincing AI-generated women.

Not only were the women attractive enough to elicit sympathy from MAGA males who would never care about average Iranians, but the images were all headshots with black backgrounds. Even better, seven of the women were backlit like the stars in old TV movies.

The moment I saw these gorgeous women who look like models, I was filled with a desire to bomb Tehran back to the stone age… to liberate them. Just look at those plump lips and hair so lustrous it would make the morality police reconsider their stance on head scarves. These women deserve to have their bridges and power plants destroyed.

Understandably, Fox News was fooled by the super-convincing fakes and proudly led calls to save these beautiful women before it’s too late. The US-equivalent of Normal Island News reported that the women were sentenced to death for refusing to wear the virtual hijab and would be hanged on Monday.

President Trump was eager to step up to the plate so he bombed an Iranian prison, only for aides to remind him these women aren’t actually in prison.

Upon hearing this news, Trump was delighted to claim credit for securing the release of the women who never existed. He announced that Iran had agreed not to execute them out of respect for him and would release four immediately and another four in a month. He then asked if the women could be delivered to him, only for his aides to say, “Unfortunately not, sir, they’re not real, remember?”

Trump was instead presented with framed bikini-clad deepfakes to remind him of the most heroic rescue since he successfully retrieved those fictional pilots from Isfahan. This is what separates the freedom-loving West from the primitive Middle East: we value the lives of AI-generated women and they make hilarious Lego videos. Fucking savages.

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Yesterday, Starmer was forced to defend his perfectly rational decision to hire the Prince of Darkness as ambassador to the US. Starmer had initially claimed ignorance, insisting he had no idea he was prime minister at the time of the appointment. Strangely, no one was buying his amnesia story, so he did what any true leader would do: he took full responsibility.

Starmer stood in parliament and made an apology to the victims of Epstein with all the enthusiasm of someone filing a late tax return. He insisted no one could have foreseen that Epstein’s best friend would fail security vetting.

When both sides of the chamber laughed, Starmer said it was “staggering” and “beggars belief” that no one told him Mandelson wouldn’t be allowed to be school caretaker, let alone ambassador. Diane Abbott questioned why he never bothered to ask if Mandelson had passed, but Starmer simply told Britain’s first black female MP to know her place.

Doing his best angry-but-disciplined face, Starmer vowed to punish the civil servant who made him repeatedly lie to the public about the Mandelson appointment. When Zarah Sultana called him a “bare-faced liar”, she was yelled at by the ever-dignified house speaker who came across like a supply teacher losing control of the classroom. Sultana was removed from the chamber and suspended for five days because accountability is important.

The Your Party MP disgracefully doubled down, telling reporters outside parliament, she had a duty to her constituents to tell the truth. A spokesperson for the prime minister later responded: “No one has the right to point out when the prime minister is lying. What does that woman think this is? A democracy?”

Starmer reassured the nation that he will continue the important job of looking the other way as our allies commit war crimes while doing nothing at home to benefit ordinary people. He is confident this will improve his polling numbers and help us avoid dangerous possibilities, such as leadership and hope.

Excitingly, Starmer aims to not resign as prime minister for at least the next three years. Let’s hope the upcoming local elections don’t throw a spanner in the works, eh?

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In a viral Twitter post, everyone’s favourite AI company unveiled its 22-point manifesto which reads like a digital Mein Kampf for Ketamine users who wear Patagonia vests.

The gist of the manifesto is: now that we’ve harvested enough data to blackmail every leader in the West, it’s time to move onto the next stage of our masterplan: hard power.

Palantir warns against “vacant and hollow pluralism” and calls for a new golden age of imperialism, I mean democracy. It argues that non-white countries are regressive and have not contributed to humanity, so naturally, we need to conquer them with weapons developed by Palantir.

You know those exciting AI systems that Israel uses to kill families in their homes, like The Gospel and Where’s Daddy? Imagine those systems installed into an army of killer robots that are based on the personality of Laura Loomer. I know, it’s my wet dream too!

Excitingly, Palantir has just unveiled its K-800 Democracy Enforcer—an AI-powered robot that, at present, is just a cuddly chrome endoskeleton, but future updates should include flesh harvested from Palestinian children. What did you think those Israeli skin banks were for?

According to the press release, the K-800 is designed to counter the “tyranny of the apps”, which means it will hunt down and eliminate TikTok influencers who step out of line. Its “regressive culture detection” sub-routine scans crowds and searches Palantir’s database for wrong-thinkers who whine about things like NHS data harvesting.

First time offenders will be offered the chance of re-education via an audio version of Alex Karp’s The Technological Republic, but it’s expected that many will simply opt for death.

Importantly, the K-800 is designed to go into the schools and hospitals of any oil-rich country in need of liberation. This should help avoid the bad optics of flattening the buildings with bombs. Instead, we will just “terminate” the inhabitants, unless they are willing to obey.

Anyone with the wrong skin colour or religion will be given a choice: “Come with me if you wanna live… in the rules-based international order”, which means slavery for all but the prettiest who will instead be joining the next Epstein Island (Cuba).

Alex Karp asked the K-800 to demonstrate its abilities on stage by executing the captured Greta Thunberg, but unfortunately, it was hacked by Iranians who made it perform a dance and then switched it off. It was a bit embarrassing if I’m honest, but a flustered Alex insisted this problem should be fixed in the next update, after which it will be impossible to override the machine’s decision-making software.

I’ve never watched a science-fiction movie, but I can’t see any way that letting Alex Karp have an army of killer robots could go wrong. We’re talking about a man so dedicated to his work, he can’t find the time to brush his hair, a man who has called for a return to national service and the re-militarisation of Germany and Japan. Clearly, he knows his history better than I know my science-fiction.

The Palantir CEO explained: “Silicon Valley owes America a moral debt. The K-800 is simply our way of paying it back.” Palantir stocks soared by 14% when news broke that society is heading into the most terrifying version of the future possible, short of nuclear annihilation. This isn’t going to end in nuclear annihilation, right? Right?

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“I was absolutely furious to discover I’d been prime minister for the last 21 months,” Starmer told a bewildered press conference outside Downing Street. “Frankly, I’m baffled. Given that I haven’t made a single governing decision in that time, it came as a great shock when everyone started blaming me for hiring the Prince of Darkness.”

It’s fair to say the confession threw almost every journalist in attendance. Reporters exchanged glances and muttered, almost in unison: “This actually explains so much.”

The bombshell comes just days after The Guardian revealed that security officials had recommended against granting Mandelson “developed vetting” for our most important diplomatic tole. In a creative interpretation of the rules, the head of the Foreign Office overruled the decision because Mandelson is the only man on the planet who can relate to President Trump.

Mandelson touched down in Washington in February 2025, but it remains unclear whether anyone told him he’d got the job, or if he was just attending an Epstein Island reunion party.

When pushed on the latest Epstein revelations, Starmer finally broke from his pre-programmed line that “full due process was followed” to insist he had “no idea what day of the week it is”, spinning around and asking journalists: “Who are you? Where am I?”

When reminded that he is, in fact, the prime minister and is standing in a press conference outside Downing Street, Starmer mumbled: “Yes, of course, but it’s completely unacceptable that no one told me earlier. I vaguely remember applying for the job a few years ago when I resigned as chair of the ‘We Hate Jeremy Corbyn club’. I might have even had an interview—I’m really not sure—but for no one to tell me I’d been hired is the height of bad manners.”

Now some of you might find it hard to believe that Starmer was unaware he had started the job, but in his defence, his lovely wife Victoria is usually totally unaware when he has started the job too. What do you mean, that’s probably for the best?

When pressed on whether he would resign, Starmer said: “Don’t be silly. I’ve only known I was prime minister for a few days. You can’t expect me to resign now. The bureaucrats, who never told me I’d passed the relevant checks, should resign. I’ve already told the head of the Foreign Office I have no confidence in him, even though he wasn’t in the role at the time.”

Earlier, I spoke to staff at the Foreign Office who said it’s “totally unfair” that their boss gets the blame when they’ve been running the country this whole time. They added that Mandelson was the perfect person to gain the trust of Trump, due to their mutual friendship with the late financier and all-round good egg Jeffrey Epstein.

Mandelson’s “extremely relaxed attitude to personal relationships” was seen as the best way to stop our great ally from crushing our economy. In fairness to the Foreign Office, the strategy appeared to pay off. By May 2025, Britain had secured a trade deal that dodged the worst of the steel tariffs and Trump looked like he would successfully cover up the Epstein files.

Mandelson was pictured grinning with Trump like two old chums who’d definitely never discussed anything sensitive during a session with two young masseuses. Then the latest batch of Epstein files dropped.

Mandelson’s 30-year history of scandal suddenly became a minor sticking point, so the Foreign Office decided he could never be left alone with anyone important. Yes, they trusted him enough to send him to Washington, but not enough to let him wander around unsupervised.

To be fair, the babysitters did an outstanding job: Mandelson only leaked state secrets on a small number of occasions and police feel confident they can get away with sweeping this under the carpet.

Downing Street sources say Starmer remains “fully committed” to the role he didn’t know he had until a few days ago and looks forward to not taking responsibility for the next thing he does wrong. Next time, the tea lady is getting the blame.

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US intelligence confirms that the country with a smaller military budget than a Florida retirement community has been enriching aluminium to 90%. The nuclear program is located in a facility built from 1970s tractor parts and repurposed cigar-rolling machines. It was made possible, thanks to help from North Korean scientists who arrived via fishing boats that the US Navy somehow missed with their torpedoes.

Cuba must be stopped at all costs because it is a “communist country”, which is what we call any country that doesn’t bow to US hegemony. For years, Cuba had been embarrassing capitalism by having a higher life expectancy and literacy rate than the US, providing its people with free healthcare, and exporting doctors instead of bombs.

Trump proved that “communism doesn’t work” when he tightened the illegal 60-year blockade of Cuba, cutting off the island’s power supply for 20 hours a day and causing people on life support machines to die. That really showed ‘em, fucking commies.

Trump won’t say if he plans to kidnap the Cuban leader, or if he plans on a ground invasion, but I’m told he prefers the safe option: precision strikes on every home on the island. All I know is that one way or another, he is going to solve the Cuban missile crisis that his predecessors did nothing about.

Excitingly, BlackRock has already signed the contract for the rebuilding effort and its stocks are soaring. Multiple contacts from Epstein’s little black book are interested in building luxury holiday resorts along the Cuban coastline. Ordinary Cubans will be kept in concentration camps in the centre of the island, at a safe distance from the wealthy tourists. It will truly be the greatest liberation of all time.

While some American are expressing concerns about another US war, and desperately looking for their political leaders to speak out, Kamala Harris was sadly too busy filing her nails to comment.

Over in the UK, Prime Minister Starmer confirmed that he will support Trump’s illegal invasion, but only if it complies with international law. The UK will not directly participate, although it may assist the US with “defensive operations” to counter the threat of the Cuban air force. A disappointed Trump said he will blame Starmer if this regime change operation fails. Starmer has already prepared his apology.

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The man who turned “illiberal democracy” into a brand was finally shown the door by voters who had grown tired of his strongman act after more than a decade and a half. Trump and Netanyahu are said to be distraught, mourning the loss of the only world leader as open as they are about his contempt for international law.

With Orbán gone, Pinky and the Brain find themselves more isolated on the global stage, wondering who will stand with them against the evils of the ICC. Even the leaders who’ve been bribed by the Israeli lobby are distancing themselves as the war crimes mount up.

Orbán had long served as a spiritual godfather to Trump, dominating Hungarian politics since 2010 while crafting the kind of dictatorship that Iranians need to be liberated from. He was regularly accused of gerrymandering constituencies, controlling the media with an iron fist, and funnelling public funds to his cronies in a text book case of state capture. Yet in the end, he grew too incompetent to steal victory as Hungarians noticed the endless culture wars weren’t raising their living standards, after all.

When polls showed Orbán flagging in the final stretch, the Hungarian strongman played his Trump card, quite literally… I mean, what could win over voters more than an endorsement from Pope killer (and US Vice President) JD Vance?

Just days before the vote, Vance flew to Budapest, stood proudly beside Orbán at a rally, and explained that he was “here to help.” He loudly proclaimed that America needed to “get Viktor Orbán re-elected,” before launching into a tirade against the European Union for its “disgraceful” meddling in Hungarian affairs. After all, everyone knows that only the US has the right to choose other countries’ leaders. EU bureaucrats should stick to regulating the shape of cucumbers and denying Zionist war crimes.

Bafflingly, Vance’s intervention was shown the same enthusiasm that President Trump receives when he wanders into the dressing room at a beauty pageant. Voters rejected his heartfelt instructions, leaving Hungary near the top of the list of countries that need to be liberated with US bombs.

Early results show the Tisza party is set to clinch a two-thirds “supermajority” that allows the sweeping constitutional changes Trump could only dream of. Turnout was a record 79% as voters crawled over broken glass, climbed razor-wire fences, snuck past guard dogs, and dodged lasers to finally oust the Hungarian Trump—and replace him with… more of the same.

Yes, they really decided that after 16 years of crony capitalism wrapped in Christian nationalism, what their country truly needed was Péter Magyar: a former Fidesz insider, ex-husband of Orbán’s former justice minister, and one-time loyal foot soldier who experienced a road-to-Damascus moment in 2024. Suddenly, Magyar remembered he didn’t much like corruption, especially the kind that didn’t benefit him personally anymore.

Magyar, who once taped a photo of a young anti-communist Orbán to his bedroom wall as a child, spent the past two years repositioning himself as the anti-establishment crusader—and Hungarians somehow fell for it, again. What can I say? Voters can be so fucking gullible, can’t they?

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When news of the collapse broke, members of the Israeli war cabinet threw confetti in their luxury bunker, but sadly, Netanyahu could not participate because his consciousness was taken from his mangled corpse and uploaded to an iPhone.

Conveniently, this meant Netanyahu was able to call JD Vance midway through negotiations, ordering him to be as unreasonable as possible with the Iranians, if he doesn’t want the full details of the Melania scandal being made public. Vance negotiated like a man whose side hadn’t just lost a war, insisting the victors surrender or else…

Talks went something like this: Vance demanded the full dismantlement of Iran’s civilian nuclear program and Iran said “no”. Vance demanded the Strait of Hormuz be fully reopened and Iran said “no”. Iran demanded sanctions relief, war reparations, and a full regional ceasefire, and Netanyahu said “no”. Vance did not get a say in any of this.

The VP emerged from the meeting looking like a man who had barely survived a first encounter with his in-laws. Dealing with Israel can be exhausting, even when you’re on their side…

The Iranians mocked the US delegation for leaving empty-handed while they maintain control of the Strait of Hormuz. A humiliated Trump is now pretending that US frigates are clearing mines out of the Strait to convince MAGA of his great victory. Just don’t tell ‘em the frigate captains refused the mission, saying: “Sorry sir, we’re not suicidal”.

America’s most humble ever president is now touting his historic achievements in Iran, such as blowing up a girls’ school, and failing to blow up all the bridges and power plants. Excitingly, Netanyahu has ordered the US to resume losing the war. Just know that when inflation keeps rising, it’s Iran’s fault for successfully defending itself.

Clearly, the Iranians are being unreasonable here. It’s outrageous that they want to have a nuclear program in the tinder box of the Middle East. Who the hell do they think they are? Israel?

Thankfully, the British foreign secretary knows who is to blame for this mess and has chosen the right side of history. Yvette Cooper says tolls on the Strait of Hormuz are against the “law of the sea” that neither the US nor Iran have signed up to. She sensibly failed to mention that even if Iran had signed up, it would be allowed to charge ships for passing through its territorial waters in the same way the Egyptians charge tolls on the Suez Canal. Cooper didn’t dare mention the naval blockade of Gaza or Cuba because silence is the best way to avoid accusations of hypocrisy.

Rest assured that if the resumption of the war fails to have any meaningful impact, the UK is set to join a 30-nation coalition to reopen the Strait of Hormuz that will last until the first ship is sunk and everyone else gets the hell out of the there. At that point the nukes will probably start flying…

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In a traditional ceasefire, the other side agrees to stop firing while Israel retains the right to bomb until the enemy runs out of schools, hospitals, and other luxuries, such as food. Double-sided ceasefires risk the possibility that peace might accidentally break out on multiple fronts. Good luck trying to push ahead with the Greater Israel project during regional stability. Such circumstances might even require Israel to declare its borders.

When the double-sided ceasefire was announced, screams could be heard coming from luxury bunkers beneath Tel Aviv. The fury stemmed from the fact Israel was excluded from peace talks that were mediated by Pakistan—a national humiliation. A White House official explained that leaving Israel out of talks was “the only way to stop them from killing the Iranian negotiators.”

The US desperately needed a deal because its ground and air operations failed—and even the biggest warmongers were growing uneasy about escalation. Trump had threatened to send Iran “back to the stone age” until lawyers advised him that wiping out “an entire civilisation” might lead to one or two legal issues. Trump was going to push ahead anyway, but his own military said: “Sorry, we don’t fancy being liberators anymore”.

Suddenly, Trump found himself agreeing to Tehran’s ten-point plan that included lifting sanctions, paying compensation, and allowing Iran to charge tolls in the Strait of Hormuz. The proposals that Trump felt were so unacceptable, he had to go on a month-long bombing rampage, seemed a lot more palatable, once he realised that all of his Gulf military bases were gone.

Obviously, Trump is a skilled negotiator and he gained a lot from the deal, such as, um… a two-week pause, and some helpful traffic management in the Strait. Trump boasted that America had met or exceeded all military objectives, while Netanyahu announced that Iran no longer poses an existential threat to Israel. This means the search is now on for the next existential threat, hopefully in Turkey. Every Muslim country needs to get its share of liberation bombs at some point.

The only winner from the ceasefire seems to be Iran because Israel is now fighting the war it started alone. It either has to come up with a convincing false flag, or take such a pounding that other nations feel sorry for it and come to its rescue. Neither option seems likely, but it hasn’t occurred to Israel that it could just stop bombing everyone in sight.

I’m not sure you understand the Israeli psyche, but the IDF finds an apartment building in Beirut as irresistible as Trump finds a 13-year-old on Epstein island. They just can’t stop themselves, like an alcoholic who keeps drinking throughout late stage cirrhosis, knowing it could kill them.

Within hours of the ceasefire, IDF bomb-aholics launched what they called their largest coordinated strike on Lebanon in the current conflict. Over 100 targets were hit in just ten minutes, killing at least 250 and wounding more than 1,000. They didn’t even bother to give evacuation orders because they wanted to maximise casualties. People in Lebanon are calling the attack their 9/11.

In a joint clarification, Trump and Netanyahu confirmed the ceasefire “does not include Lebanon,” but Pakistan’s Prime Minister insisted the deal explicitly covers “a ceasefire everywhere, including Lebanon.” Clearly, Pakistan is being unfair because you can’t just leave Israel with no one to bomb.

Disappointingly, Prime Minister Starmer walked into an antisemitism storm after suggesting the ceasefire really should apply to Lebanon. He is expected to offer his resignation soon. The BBC was more cautious, opening its Lebanon coverage with the words “Israel says…” and reading out an Israeli government press release, just to be on the safe side.

Everyone’s biggest fear now is that Iran might launch an unprovoked retaliation, but at least this would give Trump the excuse to escalate. In his latest Truth Social post, the president again hinted at nukes if the Strait of Hormuz is not reopened, but don’t worry, the BBC assures us that ordinary Iranians are happy for their country to become an irradiated wasteland. So happy, in fact, they would build a Trump statue in the centre of the crater where Tehran used to be.

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Excitingly, Power Plant Tuesday is likely to go ahead because Congress has forgotten how to use the 25th Amendment and Sir Keir Starmer has forgotten he was once a human rights lawyer.

Sadly, not everyone seems as enthused about war crimes as the journalists who’ve never seen a war they don’t like. A confused Green Party spokesperson said: “Yes, we hate the oil industry and yes, we hate nuclear power, but we hate paedophiles and nuclear fallout even more. Of course, the Greens will always support the transition to green energy, but not like this…”

Defence Secretary John Healey took a disappointing middle ground by saying “radioactive fallout across the Middle East would be fine as long as the president is blowing up power plants for defensive purposes”. The British media is praising the government for staying out of Trump’s war, while also cheering on Trump’s war. I’m no legal expert, but I’m confident it doesn’t count as war crimes if you’re aiding and abetting the people who blow up power plants.

Power Plant Tuesday is the story in the Bible where Jesus bombs all of the nuclear facilities in Parthia, shortly after rising from the dead. Not many of you know, but Trump actually died in Walter Reed Medical Center a couple of days ago and rose from the dead, just like Jesus. It truly is a Biblical miracle.

After building people’s hopes only to resurrect, Trump posted something on Truth Social that everyone who is unfamiliar with Power Plant Tuesday assumed was fake. All I can say to those heathens is that his historical post will be a passage in the upcoming Trump Bible:

The only down side of the post is that Trump (who is basically the next Jesus) accidentally praised Allah, instead of Baal. Presidents have been killed by Israel for less, but we should cut him some slack, given he had just come back to life. I think Trump can be forgiven for being confused because the brain necrosis still hasn’t cleared up.

Trump made his Truth Social post in celebration of the Iran war going so well that his fighter jets are falling from the sky every day. He lost one F-15 and two pilots a few days ago, but the rescue operation was such a roaring success that he lost five more aircraft to bring those pilots back. Just know they weren’t shot down by the Iranians, they malfunctioned and had to be abandoned. Honest.

Critics are saying it’s ridiculous to celebrate the loss of so many aircraft during a rescue mission, but they don’t appreciate how much Americans value human life… Well, not the lives of Americans without healthcare, or the lives of the soldiers who are gonna be slaughtered in a ground invasion, and certainly not the lives of Muslims, but the lives of anyone who can be used for good PR…

Seeing those pilots go missing really introduced a human element to this war, unlike the time they blew up a girls’ school, killing 168. Let’s be honest, Iranian school girls don’t count as human, but the people who bomb them do.

Everyone was frantic with worry that those pilots, who were innocently bombing civilian infrastructure, might become hostages. Obviously, this would have been terrible because it would have made Trump look bad. Now you understand why he had to sacrifice so many aircraft to rescue them…

Now that these pilots are safe, I’m hoping and praying they can return to active duty in time for Power Plant Tuesday. It is truly what our favourite war criminals deserve. They have a historic opportunity to liberate the women of Iran with power cuts and radiation, saving the Epstein class in the process. If they squeeze in a few bridges during their bombing rampage, they could even feature in The Trump Bible™, which will be available in all good book shops soon for the bargain price of $99.99. All proceeds will go towards the next Epstein Island.

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Supporters pointed out the bill is necessary to stop people trying to destroy the state of Israel, however, they clarified it’s fine to destroy the state of Palestine or the state of Lebanon or the state of Syria or the state of Iran or the entire global economy for that matter.

Ben Gvir and other Israeli politicians celebrated the new bill by drinking champagne while wearing hangman’s noose pin badges, reminding the world they’re a classy bunch.

The death penalty is now the default for Palestinians convicted of nationalistic killings in military courts, as well as other serious crimes, such as journalism. Israelis convicted of equivalent crimes will not receive the death penalty because God’s favourite children get a pass on that sort of thing.

Hangings of Palestinians are to take place within 90 days of conviction to avoid any possibility of the decision being overturned. Given that Israel is keeping around 10,000 Palestinians prisoner, expect an awful lot of journalists and doctors to be hanged in the coming months. It is the only way to keep the Palestinian population under control.

Any concerns about miscarriages of justice are clearly unfounded. Israeli military courts are so reliable that they convict 99.7% of Palestinians whereas civilian courts convict only 2% of Israeli Jews. This proves that Palestinians are savages who deserve what they get in this two-tier legal system.

Palestinians will now only avoid the death penalty in exceptional circumstances, such as if they can prove their great grandfather once fixed an Israeli’s wi-fi in 1883. What do you mean wi-fi didn’t exist in 1883? Next you’ll be telling me Israel didn’t exist then either!

Human rights groups like Amnesty International are calling this legislation “apartheid”—with military law for Palestinians and civilian law for Israelis. Israeli apartheid is fine, of course. It would only count as racism if a country introduced the death penalty exclusively for Jews. Any country that did that would deserve to be nuked.

Unfortunately, our leaders appear to be lacking the courage of their convictions. Yvette Cooper is distancing herself after an advisor tapped her on the shoulder and suggested history books might not remember this moment too fondly. Government ministers are acting like they haven’t spent forever sending arms to Israel and rounding up its critics at home. To be fair, executing retired vicars and blind people in wheelchairs might be a step too far, even for our prime minister.

It’s unclear if Sir Keir Starmer is still calling himself “Zionist without qualification”, but his focus groups are suggesting he might want to add a pretty massive apartheid qualification—and Starmer is nothing without his focus groups.

The UK, Germany, France, and Italy have issued a joint press release about Israel’s apartheid bill that was written with all the sincerity of a ChatGPT prompt: “We express our deep concern about the de facto discriminatory character of the bill... we urge you to abandon these plans.” In other words: “We still support you, Israel, but can you please stop embarrassing us in public? It’s getting impossible to defend this crap.”

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An IDF spokesman told me via Zoom from his cosy Tel Aviv bunker: “Just because we started this war, doesn’t mean our soldiers should be the ones to fight it. We expect the Americans to fight for us, just like they did in Iraq and Afghanistan. AIPAC has spent a lot of money on their politicians and we demand a return on our investment.”

Personally, I don’t see anyway you can disagree with this position without being antisemitic. It is the duty of every American tax payer to fund Israel. If the Americans who don’t have healthcare don’t like it, they can sign up to the military for a free healthcare plan and a three-month life expectancy.

Anyone who doesn’t want to die on behalf of Israel is on the side of the Mullahs. Put yourself in Israel’s position for a moment: while IDF soldiers are more than comfortable going into refugee camps and heroically taking on defenceless foes, going into a country like Iran is another matter entirely.

The IDF has just dipped its toe into southern Lebanon and its Merkava tanks are getting destroyed by a resistance group it exterminated months ago. It has spent two and a half years in Gaza and is still being wrecked by starving people armed with gardening equipment and carrier pigeons armed with hand grenades. Imagine what it would be like against a real army!

The Israelis who fled Gaza after being stung by bees know they wouldn’t last two minutes in a real war. Thankfully, Trump knows nothing about Iran so he is comfortable sending 18-year-olds for a quick and easy fight that should go as well as the bombing campaign that got every American base in the Gulf wiped off the map.

The ground invasion should only last a few days, but the hardest part of that will be the first 20 years. Obviously, Israelis would like as many Iranians dead as possible and they are more than happy to sacrifice goy soldiers in a war of attrition. What else are goyim good for?

I’m told that Israel has decided against sharing intel with Trump that Iran is a fortress of deserts and mountains and infinite ambush points. They haven’t even told him that it’s much bigger than it looks on a map. And they certainly haven’t mentioned that you can only reach Kharg Island by passing through sea mines, drones and missiles, and that if you somehow make it intact, the whole place is one giant booby trap.

It looks like an awful lot of working class boys are about to have the words “Died for Epstein” engraved on their tomb stones. What a noble way to go! Obviously, Trump would prefer those boys killed for Epstein, rather than died for him—Americans tend to be bigger fans of killing than dying so this should help his approval rating.

One brilliant plan that Trump is considering is sending the boys to Natanz or Isfahan to grab some enriched uranium from one of the nuclear facilities that they totally obliterated last year. The boys have been assured by their superiors: “Don’t worry, that uranium is perfectly safe to handle, honest!”

The one thing that is making Trump hesitate is the fact the Iranians are so confident, they keep making Lego propaganda videos. Surprisingly, I’m not making this up!

While Israel’s AI slop is convincing no-one that Netanyahu is alive, the Iranians are making animated videos of Lego characters fighting the war. These videos have made Trump furious because their childish depictions of him are scarily accurate. Plus, they show the US losing and Trump is worried because experience tells him that cartoons never lie.

Trump is in this funny position where if he calls off the invasion, he ends his presidency. If he goes ahead with the invasion and calls it off after several thousand marines have been slaughtered without achieving any objectives, he goes to jail, and if he doubles down and makes this another Iraq or Afghanistan, he collapses the US empire and turns China into the global hegemon. I mean he has already created the petro-yuan!

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It’s going to be fun trying to avoid saying all of the things I’m not allowed to say in this report, but I’m a professional journalist and taking risks is my job so here goes:

Last summer, the British government proscribed a group that shall not be named at the behest of a country that shall not be named. “Proscribed” basically means the group are considered terrorists because they have killed zero people and injured zero more.

The law in the UK is so clever that saying anything resembling approval for the proscribed group makes you a terrorist too. Some do-gooders have questioned the fairness of this approach, but we once used it to deal with witches, and do you see anyone flying around on broomsticks today? No!

All good people agree that objection to genocide must stop, so you will be pleased to hear that police take their role incredibly seriously. Armed officers have bravely confronted people carrying marker pens without a licence. Bomb disposal teams have blown up suspicious-looking packages of stationery. Arms factories known as “WH Smiths” have been dismantled. Families have been dragged out of their beds while their homes were torn apart. Pensioners have been put under house arrest and banned from using electronic devices under the harshest possible bail conditions, and yet no one has even been convicted of a crime! This is the brilliance of the war on words—the process is the punishment.

Police were having so much fun living out their authoritarian fantasies that they arrested 2,700 grandmas, vicars, wheelchair users, and a chap who was so blind, he couldn’t read the sign he was holding. Tax payers footed the bill, of course—the same tax payers who can’t get a police officer to come out when they’ve been burgled because their local service “doesn’t have anyone available”.

Police officers were working overtime to fulfil their public duty, dragging away 90-year-old pacifists by the arms and legs to keep the public safe from “terrorism”. Sadly, the fun came to an end when some idiot judges ruled that the proscription of the group that shall not be named was “unlawful”. This meant the arrests had to stop while police figured out what they were and were not allowed to do. It was such a miserable time for the force that thousands of officers came down with depression and resorted to beating up random drunks, or their wives.

In the time since police stopped arresting protesters, there has been a huge explosion of violence in the UK, with cardboard terrorists killing a whopping zero people and injuring zero more. Even worse, police officers were getting really bored, so you will be thrilled to hear they have resumed their war on words.

The Met says it will start arresting people for holding up signs again, even though the proscription of the group that shall not be named is unlawful, even though those cases will likely be thrown out of court. Isn’t that a brilliant use of police resources?

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Loomer’s warnings are being taken so seriously that they are being reposted by Yair Netanyahu, the grieving son of the late Israeli prime minister. No one knows how Jigsaw from the Saw movies managed to get such outstanding journalistic sources. Just know it is antisemitic to suggest that Loomer or HAYI are in any way connected to Mossad. No self-respecting Islamic terror group would ever work with Israel, apart from ISIS and Al Qaida.

Last night, Loomer approached cameras with her best human skin stretched over her alien skull; her blemishes skilfully concealed by makeup applied by a five-year-old orangutan. She insisted Islamic terrorists disguised as first responders are planning to attack US cities and hospitals. Apparently, Mossad agents—I mean Jihadists have been scoping emergency rooms, trauma centres, and triage points to maximise casualties by preventing treatment of the wounded.

Loomer was definitely not making a threat here—this was a warning from a concerned citizen who happens to know more than any journalist or intelligence agency. Loomer is America’s foremost expert on Jihadi sleeper cells, thanks to her supernatural ability to predict upcoming events.

In one social media post, she wrote:

Something very big is happening.
I have had a terrible feeling in my gut the last month.
I truly believe a massive Islamic terrorist attack on the US, and our electrical grid in some capacity is coming very soon.
All of the warning signs are there.
Stay locked and loaded.

This is the kind of foresight we normally only see from Benjamin Netanyahu when he predicts a wave of antisemitic attacks across Europe and then they happen right on cue.

If you’re as psychotic—I mean psychic as Loomer, you are probably excited by the prospect of false flag—I mean mass casualty events dragging the US into a ground invasion, but it’s important to remember, this is not all fun and games. Israelis have recently been getting the same treatment as Palestinians, and this could be about to get so much worse.

In an ominous sign, thousands of crows formed a gigantic, swirling circle above Tel Aviv and then abandoned the war torn city. The Romans would say this is an unmistakable sign of incoming catastrophe, the kind of which would compel them to call off battles, but sadly, Zionists are too stubborn for that. They seem to think getting US troops to fight on their behalf will get them off the hook. They don’t seem to understand the crows are never wrong.

I don’t wish to alarm you, but we might soon be referring to Tel Aviv in the past tense. Laura Loomer is not the only one who can make predictions…

And this leads me to the “80-year curse”. The two previous Jewish kingdoms began to disintegrate around their 80th year of existence and the current Zionist settler-colony just happens to be 78-years-old. Suddenly, I’m thinking that this pointless war with Iran wasn’t such a good idea, after all. Who would have thought trying to create a failed state for the worst possible reasons would backfire?

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This apology follows the revelation that missiles launched at the joint UK-US base on Diego Garcia were not fired from Iran after all. The explanation for those missiles exceeding the maximum range of Iran’s capabilities is that they actually came from an Israeli Dolphin-class submarine in the Indian Ocean. It turns out this is the second false flag Israel has launched against the UK, following the drone attack on RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus. Obviously, our greatest ally has every right to bomb our military bases without us noticing.

“Look, these things happen,” a clearly rattled Downing Street spokesperson explained. “The Prime Minister had absolutely no intention of poking around in the missile telemetry data. He was innocently playing Sudoku when MI6 forwarded him the wrong file labelled ‘Israeli False Flag’ and he couldn’t resist peeking. I can assure you the responsible MI6 officer has been fired for informing his leader of the facts.”

A statement from No. 10 explained: “We are deeply sorry for noticing that the attack on our jointly-leased strategic asset was not, as previously assumed, the work of the Islamic Republic, but rather a surprise from one of our closest allies. We condemn Iran in the strongest possible terms for this outrageous Israeli aggression against British interests in the Chagos Archipelago. Tehran must immediately cease allowing Tel Aviv to use its airspace, I mean waterspace.”

The statement continued: “If Israel wishes to stage another false-flag operation to justify pre-emptive self-defence, the Prime Minister will not be so nosy next time. He has instructed all intelligence agencies to immediately stop telling him the truth about Israel.”

Prime Minister Netanyahu declined to comment on the matter on the basis that he is unfortunately dead, but his AI avatar said he was “touched by the Prime Minister’s understanding” and looking forward to the next joint military venture with the UK, explaining: “Some of your soldiers may die, but that is a price Israel is willing to pay”.

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The AI clone made the announcement yesterday at a press conference that contained no press. At first, everyone assumed this conference meant Netanyahu’s body had survived Iranian strikes because the footage looked almost convincing, but there were signs that something was amiss, such as the low video resolution and the sleeves being rendered before our eyes like a badly-optimised video game.

At this point, we were concerned that we were looking at an AI “deep fake”, but the truth was reassuring: the spirit of Bibi lives on in cyberspace. You can imagine our joy when we realised Hell had returned our favourite war criminal so the Middle East wars could continue.

The only person sad about this news is Netanyahu’s son Yair who is unclear what is happening about his inheritance now. Yair had observed seven days of Shiva—a period of mourning in which you must resist posting on social media, no matter how many likes you can get. For a social media addict like Yair, this period was excruciating, but now he has got through it. We’ve all had to make sacrifices in this war.

Yair’s father had not attended a government meeting since his physical death over a week ago, but now that his robot body is ready, that is about to change. The custodian of the Epstein files announced that Iran no longer has the capacity to produce ballistic missiles or nukes, but he wants to continue the war regardless because American lives don’t matter.

The AI clone, who prefers to go by the name “Mecha-Netanyahu”, said he is keen to return to the White House at the next opportunity to give out instructions. It’s unclear if Trump will be expected to give Mecha-Netanyahu a shoulder rub, now that he is no longer made of flesh. This will be a learning curve for everyone.

When Trump was informed of Netanyahu’s demise, he sighed in relief because he thought his Epstein nightmare was over. His first question was “Does this mean I get to be US president now?” but his AIPAC handler said: “No, sir, it does not.”

Trump was then told he is expected to sacrifice at least $200 billion and 250,000 US troops to the Greater Israel Project. This news comes at a difficult time for the US which has just lost two F-35 fighter jets, despite them being invisible and Iran having no air defences. I can only assume they suffered from fires in the laundry room or something. It looks like we are going to see an awful lot of laundry room fires in the coming months…

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“We regret any confusion caused by our efforts to prove the prime minister was not turned into tomato puree by a cheap Iranian drone,” the spokesperson said, impressively keeping a straight face. “Our team is finalising the next video which should be much more convincing. We just need a few hours to resolve the octopus tentacle that has sprouted from Netanyahu’s nostril and we should be good to go.”

The saga began last week when Netanyahu went uncharacteristically silent and missed important government meetings. To make matters worse, Bibi’s son, tweeting machine Yair Netanyahu, also went silent—and he normally posts 150 times a day about everything from leftist conspiracies to his breakfast choices.

For Yair to stop tweeting this long is about as unusual as Randy Fine skipping a meal—this led to social media users concluding that Bibi is brown bread and his son is in mourning.

Panic began to spread across all 50 states as the public realised that Netanyahu was the first US president to be assassinated since JFK. Congress was in disarray, asking what is going to happen to their AIPAC cheques? And who is going to tell Trump how to conduct the war? Claude AI? Okay, no change there then…

Desperate to stop global celebrations while the Greater Israel Project is dying, the Ministry of Hasbara released a short AI video of Netanyahu. Only some idiot failed to notice the weird mouth movements, the disappearing teeth, and the extra finger on one hand. This prompted Iranians to post AI-generated images of Netanyahu submerged in debris with his six-fingered hand tragically poking from the rubble.

The Ministry of Hasbara swiftly fired its tech guy for failing to prompt the AI to remove the extra finger from the video. It replaced him with an AI specialist who is actually able to count fingers and even keep track of teeth. The new guy knocked together an improved proof of life video to silence the conspiracy theorists once and for all, only this genius fucked up too.

The new video showed Netanyahu smirking in a coffee shop in Jerusalem, showing off his five-fingered hands, and even joking about his own death. However, frame-by-frame analysis revealed the fluid dynamics in his coffee cup defied the laws of gravity, the fabric on his coat pocket appeared to be moving through a spacial anomaly, and the people in the background were wearing Covid masks like they had gone back in time.

To make matters worse, Netanyahu had lost about 50 pounds, his facial features had changed shape like he was looking into a funhouse mirror, he was bathed in a weird yellow glow, and although his hands had the correct number of fingers (yay!), they looked like they were made out of play dough. But that wasn’t the worst of it because in one scene, the wedding ring vanished from his finger!

By now it was getting embarrassing, but thankfully, social media users leapt to Israel’s defence, sharing their own AI videos in solidarity. Just yesterday I saw a video proving that Yahya Sinwar is still alive and has, in fact, visited the same coffee shop (if Yahya can come back from the dead then obviously Bibi can).

Another social media user offered video evidence that Kim Jong Un had popped in for an espresso, only to be joined by Ayatollah Khamenei. It turns out the tiny coffee shop in Jerusalem attracts all the big names because even Tom Cruise got in on the act, visiting in a Netanyahu mask and tearing it off like a scene from Mission Impossible!

Perhaps the most helpful contribution came from a social media user who posted a video of Netanyahu jumping onto the counter and backflipping off it. Obviously, a 76-year-old corpse could never backflip so this proves Netanyahu must be alive.

Sadly, even Bibi’s acrobatics weren’t enough to convince cynical social media users so Netanyahu is going to do the next best thing to live interviews: appear in a high-production video at a Tel Aviv restaurant with his good friend Charlie Kirk.

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The controversial incident took place at the world-class Sde Teiman torture facility in July 2024. It was somehow recorded, despite the soldiers’ best efforts to modestly conceal their actions with riot shields. Outrageously, the footage was made public when an Israeli traitor (a woman, predictably) leaked it to the press. I’ll get to her later…

Ten soldiers were initially arrested for the wholesome gang rape and five faced formal charges, causing palpable fury in Israel. Protests erupted, military bases were stormed by outraged patriots, and the Zionist colony teetered on the brink of civil war.

“What is the point of serving in the IDF if we can’t even rape?” many Israelis asked. However, others objected, insisting: “Raping on camera is not good optics!” A small handful of Israelis with a conscience mouthed: “What the fuck?” at each other.

You will be pleased to learn that sanity has finally prevailed and the charges against all five soldiers have been dropped. In a stroke of legal clarity, the Military Advocate General has ruled that this sort of thing is no longer prosecutable.

For far too long, raping Palestinians had been quaintly treated as a crime under outdated woke rules. Typically, the rapes resulted in a few weeks in comfortable military detention or a few hours of community service picking up litter. Such injustice could not stand.

Righteous Israelis have long felt a deep moral outrage at the very idea that their soldiers might face consequences, and they have responded admirably by turning their most successful rapists into celebrities. One of the five accused soldiers can regularly been seen on Israeli game shows where he is greeted with rapturous applause by the audience who see him as something of a role model.

At last, the matter has been settled and Israelis are finally allowed to rape Palestinians with impunity, however, raping other peoples, including other Israelis, remains something of a grey area. IDF soldiers are simply advised to show restraint when around a potential victim who isn’t suitably Palestinian. I’m sure they can manage that, right?

Should any naïve goyim object to the Israeli legal system, feel free to politely remind them that Israel has the right to rape Palestinians. If they continue to object, report them to police for antisemitism or burn down their house.

While legal clarity is hugely welcome, it wouldn’t represent true justice unless the person who leaked the rape video and tarnished the reputations of the rapists is held accountable. I would therefore like to assure you that Israel’s top legal expert is currently under house arrest.

Yifat Tomer-Yerushalmi had previously been forced to resign from her role as military prosecutor after it was discovered she authorised her staff to leak the video. Now her life has been ruined for doing what she outrageously believed was the “right thing” and she has even attempted suicide.

I’m unclear what the punishment is for revealing that IDF soldiers gang raped one of their Palestinian prisoners, but hopefully it is execution by one of the more painful methods. Anything less would be an insult to the victims, sorry, the heroes…

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