Sen. Graham had never seen a country he didn’t want to bomb, or a boy he didn’t want to take to a private island. He was such a compassionate humanitarian that he repeatedly called for Gaza to be levelled like Berlin and Tokyo. AIPAC loved him so much that they generously gave him $4.6 million and expected absolutely nothing in return.

He was a fierce Trump critic who described his old rival as the “most flawed nominee in the history of the Republican Party”. However, he performed a principled U-turn to save his own political career.

A while back, he got the green light from his Mossad handler to become a staunch Trump supporter. Since then, his only criticism of the president is that he hasn’t gone far enough with all the evil shit. No wonder the world came together after his passing, united in grief.

Prime Minister Netanyahu went on Fox News to pay a heart-warming tribute to his close friend. He tearfully reminded us that Sen. Graham wanted the US to keep funding Israel’s military indefinitely.

As you might expect, Kim Iversen was every bit as upset as Netanyahu. She touchingly posted on Twitter: “Lindsay Graham literally celebrated death of others. Show him the same courtesy.”

Given the overwhelming grief, you can imagine how thrilled everyone was when Sen. Graham rose from the dead. I understand he tried getting into heaven, but some archangel was just like, “lol, fuck no,” and slammed the gates on him. He was then escorted to hell where some demon took one look at his rap sheet, puffed his cheeks and said: “I think this crap is a bit much, even for Satan. Sorry, we don’t want him either.”

As a result, the reanimated corpse of Sen. Graham is back roaming the halls of the Senate. No one is happier than his Mossad handler who is no longer out of a job. It’s lucky he didn’t delete the kompromat that explains why Graham has never married. He’s never once touched a woman, but what matters is that he has tongue-kissed that fucking wall, over and over again.

When people asked why Sen. Graham didn’t admit he’s gay to put a stop to the whole blackmail thing, he simply refused to answer. The truth is that he’s never been interested in men. They’re far too old for him. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was low.

The reality is actually much more interesting. Sen. Graham is parthenogenic, meaning he reproduces with himself. He also leaves a trail of slime wherever he goes.

When scientists created the first human-slug hybrid back in the 1950s, they never dreamt it would work out this well. That disgusting creature they accidentally made in a petri dish somehow rose to the upper-echelons of US politics. All it had to do was say the most hateful things imaginable to the fine people of South Carolina.

A fun fact about Sen. Graham is that every time a Palestinian child was murdered, he got so aroused, he made more of himself. If you’ve ever come down stairs in the middle of the night and stood barefoot on a baby slug, that was probably a Lindsay Graham. You fucking murderer.

Sen. Graham is so committed to his constituents that he’s spent his career telling them that everything he does is for “Usrul”. He means “Israel”, but he’s so lazy, he can’t be bothered to learn the name of the colony that’s blackmailing him.

Sen. Graham has never been shy about telling us that Usrul is his number one priority. When questioned why he hadn’t bothered doing anything for flood victims in South Carolina, he famously said “What about Usrul?” and then launched into an inspiring rant about how tough life is being a settler in the Middle East. What I love about Sen. Graham is how he doesn’t even bother denying he’s compromised. He wears that AIPAC badge proudly.

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Reform UK MP Suella Braverman has finally said what everyone is thinking: the victims of colonialism owe us big time. While the usual suspects in Jamaica prepare to petition King Charles for slavery reparations, she insisted that we should instead bill them.

Braverman took to Twitter to air her sensible anti-racist views, explaining that nobody suffered more during imperialism than rich, white British people. Braverman therefore demanded that our former colonies repay London for the “considerable investment, effort and contribution” it made in laying the foundations of their “flourishing democracies.” No reasonable racist could argue against that.

Braverman, whose greatest achievement was snatching the “most evil MP” crown from Priti Patel, understands the Empire’s contribution better than most. Her father hails from Kenya — a country where kind-hearted British imperialists thoughtfully seized prime farmland for white settlement, imposed oppressive taxes on the ungrateful locals, and helpfully subjected those who couldn’t pay to forced labour.

Some Kenyans were inexplicably ungrateful about this generous arrangement. So between 1952 and 1960 the British authorities built a network of detention camps where prisoners were raped, tortured, castrated, mutilated, and in some cases burned alive. British troops even posed proudly for photographs beside severed heads on stakes. Villages were destroyed as collective punishment and hundreds of thousands of civilians were ethnically cleansed. When awkward questions were later asked, thousands of classified documents were simply destroyed. Only through stubborn legal battles did the truth eventually surface.

For some reason, the woke brigade still gets upset about this sort of thing. Braverman, however, has no time for such whitesplaining. She has made clear that when Reform enters government the invoices will start landing. A brand-new Colonial Debt Recovery Unit (CDRU) will be established to chase any country that tries to dodge its historical responsibilities.

India, for example, was the most prosperous country on Earth before the British arrived. By the time we left, it was one of the poorest. This dramatic improvement occurred because we made India more civilised. They didn’t even know how to queue properly before we taught them. And they never once said thank you when we chopped their hands off for minor offences.

Braverman is already working on a detailed itemised bill. It will include every mile of railway track laid in the 19th century that was constructed with the enthusiastic participation of local labour. Compound interest will be calculated from the date of completion. Expect separate line items for the introduction of parliamentary democracy and the noble tradition of afternoon tea.

To be fair, not everything about colonialism was perfect. Reform insiders are understood to be preparing a formal apology for one particularly cruel export: cricket. Nobody deserved to be bored to death like that. Cricket is a truly barbaric practice and it’s only right that this crime is finally acknowledged. It’s feared that the compensation bill for cricket boredom could run into the trillions.

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Sir Keir Starmer’s shock resignation came just two years after he won two-thirds of the parliamentary seats by winning one-third of the vote. He was so much better than Corbyn that he became prime minister, despite getting a lower vote share. I just can’t work out where it all went wrong.

As a knight, Starmer was acceptable to the establishment so they shuffled a few things around to get him into No. 10. Namely, splitting the left with the people’s vote in 2019, and splitting the right with Farage in 2024. This is called managed democracy and it works brilliantly.

When he took office, Starmer’s approval skyrocketed to -45%, proving the sage-like James O’Brien emphatically right. No wonder James can’t log on without someone reminding him of his “any other leader would be twenty points ahead” line. The sensibles got their man and it worked out brilliantly… for no one.

Clearly, Starmer’s roaring success proved that neoliberalism is what the country desperately wants. More privatisation. More corporate control. More managed decline. More scapegoating. The fact that we are about to have our sixth neoliberal prime minister in seven years is further proof that no other system could possibly work. The British people love this shit, especially when it’s in their rivers.

It really knocked me for six when Starmer resigned because the signs just weren’t there. I haven’t been left reeling like this since Liz Truss was assassinated by that lettuce. RIP.

Like all the best prime ministers, Starmer never had tears for the people whose lives he destroyed. He certainly never had tears for the children that Israel had the “right” to withhold food, water and medicine from. But he choked back tears of self-pity during his humiliating resignation speech. It was his first ever attempt at emotion and it was almost convincing. He barely even seemed like a robot.

Starmer read the room so well that he proudly defended his record and insisted it was everyone else who was wrong. He reminded us that he transformed a Labour Party that was “morally bankrupt”. It was so morally bankrupt during the Corbyn years that he was willing to serve in the shadow cabinet—and Corbyn was so morally bankrupt that he called him a “friend”.

Unfortunately, their relationship soured when it became clear that Corbyn didn’t think Israel should be allowed to commit war crimes. Outrageously, he told Labour Friends of Israel that he wouldn’t unconditionally support the wars of the country they represent. This was the greatest antisemitism crisis in human history.

Starmer explained: “Every decision I’ve taken has been about putting the country I love first.” The country he loves just happens to be the genocidal settler-colony that paedophiles keep fleeing to. This explains why he brought the best people from the Epstein ring into his inner-circle. Perhaps Starmer’s finest achievement was pretending that he’d stopped arming Israel during a genocide. Presumably so he didn’t get arrested for war crimes.

He cleaned antisemitism out of Labour by pretending that criticism of Israel was antisemitic. He paid large sums of money to the people who’d conspired to bring down Corbyn and almost bankrupted Labour in the process. He then claimed that it was actually Corbyn who almost bankrupted Labour… by practically doubling the membership and leaving the party awash with money. Thankfully, Starmer drove all those new members away and alienated the unions.

It’s fair to say Starmer became Labour leader with one goal in mind: to end socialism as a political force. Keir Hardie would be so proud of his namesake.

During the 2020 leadership contest, he showed he was a man of principle by making ten socialist pledges to the Labour membership… and u-turning on all ten. We in the media explained how this was a brilliant move. Of course a politician should trick you into voting for them. How else would they get away with doing the things no one wants them to do?

Starmer did a spectacular job of telling us how much he hated Corbyn. It’s just unfortunate that he had no idea what to do once he’d expelled him, other than commit war crimes and cut benefits. He skilfully targeted disabled people, blamed foreigners for everything getting worse, and copied Enoch Powell’s homework. His “island of strangers” speech made Nigel Farage burst with envy.

It’s fair to say he did his utmost to make every aspect of your life worse. He gave your NHS data to Palantir, forced you to scan your face to use the internet, paved the way for digital ID, made sure your public services stayed privatised, and shagged flags at every opportunity. He completely fucked over striking workers, treated NHS staff as the enemy, treated grannies as terrorists, and resisted lifting children out of poverty for as long as possible. When he was finally forced to lift the two-child welfare cap, he shamelessly took credit for alleviating child poverty. Incredible stuff.

With a track record like that, no wonder he bragged about his successes as prime minister. Starmer did everything that he was appointed to do, driven by a pathological hatred of his voter base. He will be handsomely rewarded for his efforts with a seat in the House of Lords. I’m not sure if you know this, but his father was a nurse and his mother was a tool maker.

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Elon is celebrating his success by choosing not to end world hunger for $6 billion—just 5% of his net worth.

He reached this inspiring milestone by passing off other people’s inventions as his own, laying off half his workers, treating the rest like slaves, and putting out products that don’t work. Exploding cars, exploding spaceships, and exploding Twitter. It’s more cost effective to clear up the bodies than invest in R&D.

Just six years ago, Elon was languishing in poverty as only the 35th richest person in the world. He had an embarrassing $28 billion to his name and was so poor, his workers were struggling to keep a roof over their heads. His solution was to get rid of most of those workers and keep the money for himself.

Elon is living proof that you can achieve great things when you spend all your time tweeting about immigrants. If you stopped whining and expecting handouts from the government, you too could receive $38 billion in government subsidies—the equivalent of just $150 from every adult in the US. Clearly, you need to stop making excuses for your failures.

Elon put every dead beat dad to shame by letting other people run his businesses while he had 14 kids, seven of whose names he can still remember. At least one of those children doesn’t hate him and given how many birthdays he’s forgotten, that’s pretty good going.

Elon is a perfect example of how you can fail upwards. He became a millionaire at 27 and a billionaire at 41. He then harnessed all of his anger from being rejected by Epstein island to become the world’s only trillionaire at 54. His next milestone is to become the world’s first trillionaire to be guillotined.

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There were jubilant scenes in Washington as news rolled in that water storage tanks in the Bamani district were successfully hit by Tomahawk missiles. These supplied drinking water to Kuhestak town and about ten surrounding villages. It’s hoped the US can find a way to cut off their food supplies next and maybe blow up their hospital.

A US spokesperson explained that it was “outrageous that Iranians had tap water when people in Flint Michigan are still using water bottles”. It’s hard to disagree with that assessment.

The US attack came in revenge for the shooting down of an Apache helicopter by Israel. As this was an act of self-defence against an Israeli false flag, it doesn’t violate international law.

The US has confirmed that if Israel carries out any further false flags, Iran will be severely punished. Excitingly, Israel has hinted that it has more false flags up its sleeve to commemorate that time it blamed Egypt for napalming the USS Liberty. All I’m saying is that if I was aboard a US warship, I’d be feeling very nervous right now.

While the award-winning bombing campaign in the Middle East has kept ceasefire hopes alive, ICE agents have been doing their bit back home. Inspiringly, they have been rounding up footballers and referees who have suspiciously dark skin.

You will be pleased to know that as a result of this shocking behaviour, FIFA has banned Russia from participating in the World Cup. It has also mentioned something about Russia illegally bombing another country. That sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable, isn’t it? Fucking Russians.

Thank god for countries like the US and Israel who are prepared to stand up for international law and protect the people who matter.

If the US continues with its brave self-defence efforts, Trump may well become the first ever two-time winner of the FIFA Peace Prize. He’s already the first ever rapist to be awarded the prize. He just keeps breaking glass ceilings... with bombs.

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Now you’re probably as confused as I am about Barron getting married, but I can confirm the seven-foot-tall 14-year-old did not actually get married. It was Donald Trump Jr who got married for the second time after his first wife successfully escaped in 2018 and joined a refuge for Epstein survivors.

Donald Trump Jr’s latest victim is Bettina Anderson, who happens to be the beloved daughter of Epstein enabler Harry Loy Anderson Jr. Their wedding should have been the paedophile event of the century, however, Epstein couldn’t attend because he is still faking his own death, and Trump Sr couldn’t attend because he was faking his own survival.

Trump Jr is reportedly upset to be the only kid his dad won’t visit an island for, but he should have checked the entry requirements for the Bahamas because they do not allow adjudicated rapists into their country. I’m sure this was an unintentional oversight…

The wedding ceremony took place in a cosy Ba’al temple and involved summoning a demon that bore an alarming resemblance to Kid Rock and tucking into a delicious cake made from baby flesh. Trump Sr would have loved it, but at least he had some excitement when he heroically dodged fake bullets like Neo for the 7th time this year.

All you need to know is that the staged assassination attempt in Washington DC was a beautiful affair. A courageous MK Ultra recruit was so committed to the Epstein cause that he sacrificed his life by opening fire on security officers near the White House. Like everyone who tries to kill the president, he lacked the accuracy of the average high school shooter and missed with every shot before he was killed. The president is expected to pin this assassination attempt on Raul Castro to justify nuking Havana.

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President Miguel Díaz-Canel announced “Operation Epic Mongoose” from the steps of the Capitol Building in Havana. “For too long, the American people have suffered under corporate rule and the illusion of democracy,” he proclaimed. “Cuba can no longer stand idly by while our neighbour to the north starves.”

Cuban forces landed on Florida beaches in repurposed fishing boats and unleashed convoys of bicycles and 1950s automobiles, only to be cheered on by a jubilant Gen Z. Disillusioned college graduates used their second amendment rights to join Cuban forces in the hope of eliminating their student debt.

Multiple branches of Starbucks have already been captured and renamed “People’s Cafés” in a devastating blow to corporate America. Patrons are receiving free coffees and being told they can no longer be judged by boomers for their love of overpriced lattes.

World leaders expressed shock that such a small island nation could project military power so effectively. “Cuba is the size of a dinner napkin,” said one European diplomat, “yet look at what they’re achieving.” But Israel is the size of a postage stamp and everyone accepts what it can do, so why not Cuba?

Cuba has a surprisingly influential Chinese lobby which secures military aid at the expense of the hardworking Chinese tax payer. Actually, it’s outrageous when you think about it…

Senator Marco Rubio sobbed during an emergency press conference, holding up satellite images of Cuban troops smoking cigars on South Beach and riding alligators in the Everglades. “This is exactly what I warned about for decades!” Rubio cried. “If only we had acted sooner instead of wasting time on that war in Iran, which, by the way, went fantastically well!”

The Cuban government wasted no time mocking the US economic model that has found itself $39 trillion in debt. In a statement, officials pointed out that America squanders its budget on overpriced military tech when it could be helping its people. American teachers are forced to buy their own classroom supplies, despite their pitiful wages, and people can’t afford healthcare without working three jobs and setting up an OnlyFans. Meanwhile, food, healthcare, housing, and education are universal rights in Cuba — a nation with a fraction of the budget.

While the American elite live in extraordinary poverty — forced to fly in aging private jets and summer in the Hamptons — the working class suffer most, and as everyone knows, the number one goal of the Trump administration is to improve the lives of the working class.

“If Cuba would simply lift its illegal blockade and leave the United States alone,” Karoline Leavitt said, “the American people would have universal healthcare faster than you can say ‘greatest nation on earth.’ But the Cuban imperialists won’t allow it. Where is the international outrage?”

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Massie was something almost unheard of in US politics — a Republican with integrity. He would actually read bills and do his fucking job, instead of being told how to vote by donors. There was major concern that his whole “integrity” thing could resonate with voters who insist they are fed up with establishment politics, but it turns out Republicans aren’t ready for someone who is anti-paedophile. They wouldn’t want to be seen as woke, would they?

It’s fair to say that victory did not come cheap for the Epstein class. In the most expensive democracy money can buy, the Little St James gang spent a record $32 million on Kentucky. Fortunately, they can expect a 1,000,000% return on investment in terms of weapons packages supplied by people with no healthcare.

Just know that it’s antisemitic to say the Israel lobby exists so please use the politically correct term: “the Epstein lobby”. The Epstein lobby is composed of pro-Israel community groups who love democracy, and billionaires who kindly send millions to political candidates, but expect nothing in return. It’s truly the most philanthropic network in the US so anyone who disobeys it must be punished.

Ed Gallrein said his primary opponent “had it coming”, describing his victory as “revenge for the Epstein Files Transparency Act”. He went on to explain that Americans deserve better than someone who is opposed to paedophilia and endless wars — and soon they will have the congressman they deserve: one who represents… Israel.

Massie was far from gracious in his response, saying he would have conceded earlier, but he was trying to locate his opponent in Tel Aviv. This was intended as a jibe against the man who is performing the ritual of tongue-kissing a wall before starting his job. If Massie had rubbed his erection against that wall, he probably wouldn’t be in this mess, but he thought he knew better…

“I vote with the Republicans 91% of the time,” Massie said. “The 9% of the time my party is taking up for paedophiles, bankrupting this country or starting another war, I don’t vote with them. They want 100% compliance. That’s why they’re trying to take me out.”

Trump responded that he doesn’t think Massie is a “real Republican” and called him a “Dumbocrat”, explaining he has been a “nightmare” to work with. It was understandable criticism from a president who is only concerned about the wellbeing of his people. Massie’s meddling caused so much stress for the DOJ’s redactions team who admirably worked around the clock for months. In the end, the job proved too big and several of Trump’s friends were unfairly exposed by the release of the Epstein files.

I think we can all agree that Massie is lucky that he was only unseated. The guy calling for the FARA registration of AIPAC could easily have received the JFK treatment. If he keeps talking about a presidential run, he might yet get it. Israel simply will not allow the US to have a president who does not act in its interests. The “greatest nation on earth” has been colonised by a tiny settler colony and needs to know its place.

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Simons was one of the key architects of Keir Starmer’s rise to power, but now he is helping to install his successor. I’m sure he will not be getting anything in return though, such as a cosy seat in the House of Lords. And I’m sure Burnham won’t be controlled by the exact same people as Starmer.

For legal reasons, I must clarify that ThinkLabour is not connected to Labour Together, the group that got into bother over undeclared donors and hired private investigators to smear the journalists who exposed them. The fact that both organisations contain mostly the same faces is purely coincidental.

ThinkLabour is now sensibly refusing to endorse candidates and is definitely, absolutely not backing Burnham. Josh Simons isn’t even officially part of the group, at least not during the damage-limitation and rebranding period.

As the candidate with the best working-class accent who isn’t female, Burnham is the revolutionary choice for anyone who is fed up with the pro-establishment Starmer. Just look at how well he performs on camera. No good media performer could ever side with the establishment…

Burnham stood outside a Wigan pie shop and declared himself the bold, radical choice that Britain has been waiting for: same policies, but delivered in Mancunian with the occasional “ey up.” No one outside the region knows what “ey up” actually means, but if it gets northerners excited, that’s what matters.

“I’m not your typical Westminster insider,” said the man who spent most of his career backing NHS privatisation and attending Labour Friends of Israel events. “I tried and failed to stop Jeremy Corbyn becoming leader. That’s the kind of outsider energy I’m bringing to this by-election.”

When asked what he would do differently from Starmer, Burnham leaned into the microphone and replied: “Nowt, but I’ll sound like I mean it.”

Burnham insisted he can head off the sort of swing that Hannah Spencer secured for the Greens, simply by acting working class. His campaign team has already planned several photoshoots: Burnham sipping a pint in a pub. Burnham wearing a hi-vis vest at a factory. Burnham going for a three-minute jog in a “Normal Bloke” t-shirt.

Burnham’s radical platform will include Rachel Reeves’ fiscal rules. “We’ll grow t’economy,” he insisted, sounding like he knows exactly where the growth isn’t coming from. He promised more efficient NHS privatisation and he even promised to sound mildly disappointed in Netanyahu while sending arms to Israel — a risky move.

To show he can tolerate the youth, Burnham is expected to push Labour in a moderately woke direction. He is consulting a focus group over whether to put a rainbow flag in his Twitter bio. This could potentially stop the Green threat in its tracks, but some insiders feel it might be a step too far.

The stakes of this by-election could not be higher. Should Burnham lose Makerfield to the Greens or, heaven forbid, Reform, it would be existential for Labour. On the plus side, Wes Streeting would likely become the party’s last ever prime minister. Personally, I can’t think of anyone who would do a better job of managing decline with neatly combed hair and robotic soundbites.

Green elder stateswoman Caroline Lucas has urged Zack Polanski not to put party before country. The woman who spent years admirably defending the establishment from the threat of structural change is fully behind the Burnham campaign.

“The last thing we need is the Greens becoming the opposition. Or, dare I say it, the government,” Lucas warned. “What this country needs is more of the same, just with better recycling targets.”

Polanski politely declined Lucas’ request because standing aside so Labour can lose with a better regional accent is not exactly the revolutionary strategy that Green voters had in mind. Apparently, the Greens are here to replace Labour, not help them...

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Mamdani proved that modern terrorism doesn’t require bombs when he destroyed New York, simply by asking Wall Street to chip in roughly what they would spend on a single breakfast. His predecessor Eric Adams explained this policy was “far more destructive than anything Israel did to Gaza” and he received one final AIPAC cheque as a thank you. He has now been sent to a retirement home for disgraced mayors. What do you mean — you hope it’s a kill shelter?

Clearly, you don’t understand how much worse things are getting. A modest tax on incomes over $2 million has balanced New York City’s $124.7 billion budget with no need for creative accounting, ghost revenues, or promises to fix it next year. It’s so awkward because we’ve spent forever arguing that cuts to taxes for the rich (and services for everyone else) is the only way to balance the books. Mamdani has made us look like financially illiterate idiots, when the reality is we are financially literate liars — and you were always the idiots for believing us!

Thanks to social-terrorism, the American dream is now dying. Hedge-fund managers can’t stop shaking as their vacation home in the Hamptons faces a 2% higher marginal rate. “This is tyranny” whimpered one anonymous billionaire while boarding his private jet to Miami to escape the horror of cleaner streets and mandatory halal menus.

As Mayor Mamdani celebrates his first 100 days, he could not be more smug. The Islamist from Queens didn’t just inherit the usual mess left by previous mayors, he fixed it. He showed that when his predecessors said they “can’t” improve things, they actually meant “won’t”, or more precisely, “my donors won’t allow me to”. It turns out that electing someone who is not beholden to their donors is in your self-interest, but who cares about your self-interest? Not me, that’s for sure…

Mamdani has filled 101,247 potholes that previous administrations had simply painted yellow and called “traffic calming measures.” He poured $1.2 billion into childcare programs so parents could actually afford to work. He froze rents, launched a new Department of Community Safety, and somehow made 94% of subway trains run on time. He gave public schools actual books and teachers a bumper pay rise so they no longer need to drive Ubers to make rent. He even cleared the snow in record time last winter by paying people decent wages instead of the usual “pray and hope” strategy. And worst of all, he is converting luxury vacancies into affordable housing units because he thinks housing is a “human right” rather than a speculative asset class for the rich. This is basically war against projected ROI.

New York is now a nightmare for everyone who says socialism can’t work. Crime is down. Tourism is up. Revenue is growing. Service improvements are everywhere. Even the rats look… healthier? Something suspicious is happening because no one can balance five daily prayers with running the world’s most chaotic metropolis, yet somehow Mamdani is doing both — and he is making life better for ordinary workers. It’s un-American.

Rich New Yorkers are so disgusted by the prospect of living in a functioning city that they’re threatening to leave in their droves in search of a libertarian paradise where nothing works. One executive was overheard saying, “This is worse than 9/11 because at least that didn’t raise my taxes”. Spoken like a true patriot…

Disturbingly, 68% of New Yorkers approve of Mamdani’s changes, but surprisingly, elements of the online left have taken our side. Miracles never cease. Apparently, they are furious that Mamdani is “duping voters” by doing the things they asked for. Clearly, this is a psy-op to trick the public into accepting positive change — and there is a real risk that psy-op could cross the Atlantic. Zack Polanski could point to Mamdani’s successes and repeat them in the UK, forcing billionaires to live like… slightly poorer billionaires. Civilisation as we know it might never recover…

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King Charles III, brother of the world’s most famous paedophile and offspring of two cousins, announced a list of exciting government policies that more or less completely disregard the Labour manifesto. It is hoped these policies will deliver a boost to a government that is currently polling somewhere between sour milk and use-by date.

The flagship announcement is that Britain is getting digital ID whether it likes it or not. The public might have emphatically rejected the whole idea the moment they realised it was a Trojan horse for authoritarianism, but don’t worry, that Trojan horse has been given a makeover and returned as something you will want rather than need. You’ll want it to access government services, get a job, rent a house, open a bank account, buy something online, go on holiday, access the internet, withdraw your own money, or participate in modern life in any way. Don’t worry though, these requirements won’t arrive all at once. They’ll be phased in gradually so you won’t notice what is happening, like a frog slowly boiling in water. Isn’t that lovely?

The cleverest aspect of the Digital Access to Services Bill is letting private companies decide whether they fancy demanding your digital ID. That way the government can pretend it’s not mandatory in the same way that having a job is not mandatory, but good luck surviving without money. And good luck surviving without your GOV.UK digital wallet, once half the economy demands it. This is the kind of technology that the term “function creep” was coined for!

Let’s not mention the inadequate security measures that will make our personal data leakier than the average school roof. Are you ready for identity theft? What about public humiliation when your nudes are being passed around WhatsApp?

The Home Office swears there won’t be a single centralised database containing all of your embarrassing secrets. Instead, they are setting up dedicated teams, each with their own database, such as Online Safety team that will monitor your tweets for wrong think and freeze your bank account if you make fun of the prime minister’s nasally voice or object to his latest war crimes. You have been warned.

Last year, we were told that digital ID was needed to stop illegal workers, but now that it’s “voluntary”, we’re quietly admitting that argument was a lie. The original plan was rejected harder than Elon Musk at a Little St James party, but Starmer is shrewdly ignoring the three million signatures on the petition that opposed it.

“If you don’t like it, I say the door is open and you can leave the UK”, the prime minister insisted, perplexed when his approval rating dropped by another two points. The people that matter were delighted though…

Big tech execs were popping champagne corks because they will soon get a peak at your bank account, location data, private messages, personal photos, the list goes on! The most evil corporations in the world will gather kompromat on everyone in the UK, unless politicians are smart enough to make themselves exempt, that is.

Keir Starmer is not smart enough to realise that digital ID could one day be used against him. He’s just hoping it will rescue his premiership by giving him the power to crush dissent — and he might yet succeed. But don’t worry, if he can’t survive the fallout from the local elections, he will be replaced by someone who is identical in almost every way. Politicians like Starmer are created in a factory owned by Jeff Bezos, which explains why they are so cheaply bought and easily replaced.

The shortlist for the looming Labour leadership contest has been drawn almost exclusively from the membership of Labour Friends of Israel because anything less than wholehearted support for genocide would be antisemitism.

The clear frontrunner is the Palantir-endorsed Wes Streeting, who is strutting around with the confidence of a man who believes he could be the Labour Party’s last ever prime minister. Whether that’s because he plans to rule forever or simply destroy the party on behalf of his donors is anyone’s guess.

Andy Burnham is thankfully blocked from standing, due to the concern that the electorate perceives him as being moderately human. The only realistic soft left challenger is Angela Rayner who is offering “real change” — same policies, louder northern accent, constantly blaring “I’m from the working class, me” at anyone who’ll listen. She will sensibly keep the digital ID framework, but rename it the “People’s Empowerment Wallet” and add some rainbow branding to the login page to show you she cares.

The question now is do you prefer woke or anti-woke authoritarianism because those are your only options, apart from revolution. Actually, forget I said that last part. You could get me in trouble…

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You know the world is upside-down when conspiracy theorists are claiming that aliens aren’t real, even as the US releases top secret files. Absurdly, some insist this is a cover up for the Epstein stuff and Iran war failures. They’re saying it’s Aliens shielding Predators!

I’ve even heard people suggest the new line of Trump merchandise, such as MAGA-branded tinfoil hats and guided tours of Area 51 are part of a government psy-op, rather than the more rational explanation that Trump loves milking his gullible supporters.

The conspiracy theorists have such vivid imaginations, they believe we are seeing Project Blue Beam, which is kind’a like Operation Epic Fury, only against American citizens. They claim Trump is going to stage an alien invasion to usher in the New World Order in which a handful of billionaires will control everything, unlike the current situation where a handful of billionaires control… everything.

For the uninitiated, Project Blue Beam is a plan to use holograms to trick Americans into thinking terrifying creatures are taking over the world. Some argue that the technology has already been deployed and explains the likes of Kid Rock and Nicki Minaj. Obviously, this is ridiculous — everyone knows those two are wearing latex masks.

The UFO files contain undeniable evidence of non-human intelligence, such as footage of fuzzy shapes against grainy backdrops and eye-witness accounts from highly credible individuals who have taken copious amounts of acid. If you’re still unconvinced, just know that Apollo astronauts saw flashes of light when they were in space — and everyone knows there are no light sources in space. Just don’t mention cosmic rays, whatever you do!

Aliens follow us around the Moon without issue, but they have a nasty habit of crashing their own spaceships when they enter Earth’s atmosphere, possibly due to a drinking problem. I can only assume that interstellar travel is sober work, but planetfall requires a stiff drink. To be fair, if I had just reached Earth for the first time, I would probably reach for the bottle too. Imagine their reaction when the first broadcast they receive is a reality TV show!

We have worrying evidence of aliens hovering around our nuclear sites, probably asking themselves: “What the hell are these idiots up to now?” The aliens are like irresponsible parents who allow us to keep playing with matches until we burn the whole planet down. Perhaps their fiendish plan is to let natural selection take its course.

We might not have been shown a live alien yet, but one of the creatures in a photo on social media just happens to resemble Melania. I can’t believe you thought Trump met her on Epstein island when he actually met her in Area 51, after she was trafficked by Epstein from Zeta Reticuli.

It’s understandable if you’re finding this whole thing a bit overwhelming. This explains why previous administrations held back on disclosure. Your simple mind just isn’t ready to absorb our new reality. Thankfully, there are smarter people out there to explain the bigger picture to you in simpleton terms.

To add clarity, leading intellectual Lauren Boebert explained the visitors are not actually little green men, they’re fallen angels. I’m unclear if she is calling the first lady a demon because that would surely be a capital offence in at least three states.

The Trump administration is getting all of its most credible voices behind disclosure, such as the brilliant Pete Hegseth. The War Secretary (and manliest man since He-Man) is taking the matter so seriously that he hasn’t had a drink for 48 hours. He has confirmed that all Democrats have been replaced by clones and are in the process of being rounded up by ICE agents.

Kash Patel is currently preparing some 480p AI-slop to convince non-believers that he has finally captured Hillary Clinton. This approach worked brilliantly when he showed us that video of Ghislaine Maxwell testifying from a cell, and it bore a 46% similarity to the real thing.

A total of 162 UFO files that were written by men who stare at goats have been released so far. We know this can’t be a limited hangout because Trump no longer has Pam Bondi around to redact the files for him. Therefore, every revelation must be completely accurate.

For example, we now know why the US hired so many Nazis after World War II — the FBI received a tip that the Germans were building their own UFOs. It’s unclear when we will be shown the anti-gravity drives and amazing weaponry that Trump chose to not use against Iran on Bridge and Power Plant Day, but hopefully it’s soon.

I just don’t understand why no one believes Trump actually has this amazing tech that he has been bragging about. What did you think all of those objects flying around New Jersey last December were? Drones? You lot are so cynical!

After 70 years insisting “the truth is out there”, all it took was President Trump’s disclosure effort to convince conspiracy theorists that they were wrong all along. I dread to think how confused you will be if Trump announces the world is flat, and held up by a giant turtle. I bet you won’t even believe him!

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“I made it very clear in a meeting that these elections were to be kicked into the long grass,” the prime minister fumed during a press briefing. “I postponed them until my approval ratings improved, which, as we all know, means indefinitely. And yet someone let them go ahead. Our democratic process is completely unacceptable and needs to change urgently.”

Labour sources insist the postponement was one of Starmer’s few genuinely shrewd political strategies. Unfortunately, the government was forced to back down because such a move would technically be “illegal” and the people who are running the country forgot to tell the prime minister. Apparently, you can’t just cancel elections because you were going to lose them, just like you cant pretend retired vicars are terrorists because they object to war crimes in Gaza. That’s called “authoritarianism”, or at least it used to be.

MPs are complaining about a lack of decisiveness from their leader, but unfortunately, they can’t decide what to do about him because every alternative is just as useless. Starmer is so politically astute, he once told Labour voters that “the door is open and you can leave”. He appeared genuinely baffled that they followed his suggestion because he is so used to being ignored.

Bizarrely, signalling to your base that you despise them has not proved a winning formula for Starmer, even if certain newspaper owners assured him it would. You can picture the man’s confusion.

The prime minister had been enjoying a quiet afternoon with four nice Ukrainian friends when he switched on Sky News and learned of Labour’s humiliating wipe-out, despite his brand of “grown-up politics” being exactly what his donors ordered. Downing Street insiders say Starmer heard about Labour losing half its seats and immediately pulled up his trousers, yelling: “Who signed off on this? I want names.”

The question of who exactly will be sacked remains unclear. Starmer has already blamed Morgan McSweeney and Sir Olly Robbins for everything that’s gone wrong since July 2024, and I’m not sure he could get away with blaming Jeremy Corbyn again.

“Obviously, if I had known the elections were on,” Starmer told reporters, “I would have pretended to care about voters for a couple of weeks. I would have knocked on doors, posted leaflets. I would have even tried to sound friendly on camera. But nobody told me. Again.”

It’s unclear whether the prime minister had been informed about other recent developments, including the existence of local councils, and the fact Peter Mandelson has some interesting hobbies. Perhaps it’s safer to keep Starmer in the dark because when things go wrong, at least he can say he didn’t know anything. Personally, I find it reassuring when prime ministers are hopelessly uninformed.

Inspiringly, Starmer has rejected growing calls for his resignation, despite absolutely no one wanting him to stay, besides his donors. He insisted:

“The British people aren’t rejecting me. They’re just disappointed by the rate at which I’m doing absolutely nothing. They want me to do absolutely nothing faster and that’s what I intend to do.”

In a bold move to regain control of the narrative, Starmer has convened an emergency COBRA meeting to coordinate a more effective smear campaign against the leader of the Green Party.

“Zack Polanski and the Greens are the national security threat of our time. These people want to plant trees and insulate homes. We need a united front with the Conservatives and Reform to expose this,” Starmer explained.

When questioned by journalists, he did not rule out letting Trump use our military bases to blow up wind turbines and solar farms. Thankfully, full-scale war might not be necessary because Starmer has a plan to counter rising extremism that includes: banning millennials and gen-Z from using the internet, raising the voting age to 45, and proscribing trade unions. He has expelled Andy Burnham from the Labour Party.

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Younger generations have clearly been hypnotised by the Green Party’s new leader, but do they really know the man behind the pocket watch? This stunning investigation from Normal Island News reveals the hideous truth. A truth so grim that Britain’s newspapers have borrowed from antisemitic cartoons from the 1930s to depict Polanski’s true face.

As Antisemitism Tsar John Mann explained on three separate podcasts: “It’s the Green Party’s fault that everyone is being antisemitic towards Zack.” Presumably, it’s also his family’s fault for anglicising their surname decades ago… to avoid antisemitism.

Antisemitism against Jews who disagree with the Israeli government is the only acceptable form left so naturally, we’re making the most of it. We were waiting for an excuse to attack Polanski for being gay, but it turns out he’s vegan and his boyfriend is a criminal who was arrested at an Extinction Rebellion protest. That’s the type of scumbag we’re dealing with here, someone who wants to save the world…

This nightmare began on 2 November 1982 when a baby called David Paulden emerged in the godforsaken lands of Salford, screaming “Globalise the intifada!” Disgracefully, he was not born wearing a grey suit. Even worse, to this day he does not speak like a robotic accountant who enjoys beige.

Real politicians are wheeled into cupboards at night so their batteries can recharge, but this guy has repeatedly failed to explain how his batteries are charged — I bet he is not using wind or solar. Fucking hypocrite.

As a child, David attended the elitist Stockport Grammar School, proving that he didn’t believe in equality even then. Upon leaving school, he arrogantly decided he was too good for a proper job, instead wasting his life in the gig economy doing youth work, mental health counselling, and hospitality.

At the age of 18, David Paulden changed his name to Zack Polanski to avoid a £3.50 library fine, a fee that he still hasn’t paid to this day. Thanks to interest, late fees, and inflation, that £3.50 has risen to £1,768,089, an amount that Polanski is clearly keeping for himself. The man is hoarding wealth that belongs to Stockport Library Services. Who is the one-percenter now?

Polanski’s ego was so inflated, he tried his hand at acting and appeared in several low budget abominations, such as The Art of Suicide, Seven Crosses, and The Gallon Challenge, none of which matched the quality of cinematic masterpieces such as The Iron Lady, or even Melania.

Polanski might no longer be appearing in movies, but he is still acting: his latest role being someone who cares about the environment, international law, and the struggles of ordinary people. No credible politician would stoop so low.

Alarmingly, Polanski invented the climate crisis in the 2000s when the world was still reeling from the Millennium Bug. He kept this lie going for over two decades to distract from the fact that he increased the size of a woman’s boobs through hypnotherapy. When news crossed the Atlantic, he was briefly hired by Kristi Noem’s husband, proving he will do anything for money, unlike the politicians who take donations from the Israeli lobby.

Polanski is such a fraud that he once claimed to be a spokesperson for the British Red Cross, but he actually just organised events for them and spoke on stage at their fundraisers. Fucking scumbag. Who raises funds for the Red Cross? As Netanyahu keeps telling us, it is basically a front for Hamas, meaning Polanski has undeniable ties to terrorism.

Polanski once said something nice about Greta Thunberg and even praised notorious terror leaders such as Jeremy Corbyn. Previously, he was a good boy who amplified the line that Corbyn was a threat to Britain’s Jews, but then he was radicalised by the truth. At that point, Polanski became a threat to Britain’s Jews, even though he is one of Britain’s Jews. I still don’t understand why this smear isn’t landing.

Eleven years ago came the most shameful episode of Polanski’s career when he officially stood for nothing. Well, he stood for the Liberal Democrats, but that’s more or less the same thing. Polanski might have switched allegiances to the Greens, but he is still a moral vacuum, unlike the politicians who drone “Israel has the right to defend itself” in unison.

While he lectures us on our carbon footprint, it turns out Polanski can’t even do his recycling properly. Being a serious journalist, I rummaged through his blue bin and planted… I mean found non-recyclables such as crisp packets. I also found an unwashed tin of beans and an egg carton that wasn’t free range. Clearly, Polanski is worse than the companies poisoning our water supplies with data centres that do AI porn and mass surveillance.

Despite his shady past, Polanski stood as Green leader in 2025 and won a totally believable 85% of the vote, making him the UK’s Kim Jong Un. Just know that if he becomes prime minister, it will be because he rigged that vote too. There is no way the public would knowingly vote for someone who is not an establishment puppet…

While uniparty politicians tell the truth about everything, Polanski is always inventing ridiculous conspiracy theories. For example, he claimed the media had erased the Muslim victim of the Golders Green stabbings from headlines. This might be factually correct, but Polanski also claimed that Keir Starmer sent weapons to Israel while it was committing genocide. This might also be factually correct, but he also claimed that the Metropolitan Police have replaced London’s pigeons with feathered surveillance drones. This might also be correct, but are you not tired of his conspiracy theories?

Polanski poses such a national security threat that the prime minister sensibly mimics Farage and attacks the only political leader on the left. The fact all party leaders agree Polanski is the real problem proves that 47 years of Thatcherism are his fault. Why did Zack cause the housing crisis? What was he thinking?

Britain deserves better than a man who believes workers deserve a living wage, breathable air is a good idea, and genocide is wrong. We deserve better than a gay, vegan, name-changing Jew who wants to lead us into a bright green future. We say: ENOUGH! We demand Polanski’s immediate resignation. We demand he finally pays that library fine. And most of all, we demand that someone wheels him into a cupboard at night like a normal politician. The people deserve nothing less.

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As Fox News tells the truth roughly 26% of the time, every detail of this report is likely to be accurate so I’m not bothering to find a second source. Only an idiot would question Fox News.

According to the report, the elite cetacean operatives are equipped with explosive harnesses, echolocation targeting systems, and a disturbing level of ideological commitment. They are believed to have made the journey via a network of underwater currents that forced the US Navy to bomb Venezuelan fishing boats.

Disturbingly, at least one elite cetacean operative infiltrated the White House, wearing an alluring human costume in a brazen honeypot operation. The operative very nearly compromised the president until he shrewdly noticed its face didn’t move when it spoke.

President Trump tore off Kristi Noem’s mask while she kissed him and yelled “You’re fired!” in a confrontation that resembled a Scooby Doo episode. When the president’s security team arrived, they accidentally shot one of their own and the dolphin escaped.

The president then issued the following calm and rational statement on Truth Social: “I HATE dolphins!!! I always knew those smiling bastards were up to no good! If you see a dolphin, do NOT be fooled like I nearly was! They are incredibly cunning!” As usual, Trump is not wrong.

Jesse Walters, a marine biologist at the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Cetacean Existential Threats, warned Fox viewers that the dolphins represent a “hybrid threat combining biological superiority with fanatical devotion”.

Walters explained:

“Sharks are scary and unpredictable, but these dolphins are worse than Jaws because they believe in something. They work in coordinated packs and use underwater clicking codes that are impossible to decipher. We’re facing an enemy that can hold its breath for ten minutes and solve basic logic puzzles, meaning it is significantly more sophisticated than Pete Hegseth, even when he’s sober.”

The existence of the Iranian dolphin program only came to light when one operative’s explosive vest malfunctioned during a reconnaissance mission off the Florida coast. The dolphin was taken into custody at a local aquarium, where staff noticed an Iranian flag tattooed on its flipper. It began emitting high-pitched squeaks that sounded suspiciously like “Death to America…”

Interrogators discovered the dolphins were radicalised into hating the West by tweets from Greta Thunberg, rants from Hasan Piker, and footage of the horrors that took place at Sea World. It is understood that Iranian scientists learned how to train dolphins after watching DVDs of Flipper and Free Willy in a mountain bunker in Isfahan. Thirteen of those dolphins are packed with enriched uranium. Clearly, the sanctions failed to stop Iran from developing WMDs.

An Iranian cleric cackled: “All this time you Americans were obsessed with our nuclear program when dolphins were the real weapon! Allah created the oceans, and the dolphin is His guided missile.”

It was thought the Iranian Navy had been obliterated until those dolphins started causing laundry room fighters on US aircraft carriers. Pentagon officials privately told Normal Island News that the US Navy currently has “no viable defence against the dolphin threat”. Questions remain, such as why President Biden failed to see this coming. Thankfully, President Trump is no push over.

Congress is expected to fast-track the “Dolphin Defence Authorisation Act,” which includes another $47 billion to Israel, funded by cuts to Medicare. Explosive tuna shoals and sea-lion counter-operatives are expected to be ready at some point within the next 15-20 years. Worryingly, Iran is just two weeks away from developing nuclear killer whales.

The president reassured the public on Truth Social that appropriate defences will be put in place soon: “We will build a beautiful underwater wall and the Iranians will pay for it. Believe me.”

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The Global Sumud Flotilla set sail a couple of weeks ago with a total of 58 vessels. Hopefully, this means Israel blew the other 36 vessels out of the water like fishing boats off the Gaza coast. This latest operation actually took place 600 miles off the Gaza coast, but strangely, it has not been condemned by most western governments because interceptions are only wrong when Iran defends its waters.

Disgracefully, the flotilla’s organisers said their goal was to open a permanent humanitarian corridor, but they should know the only waters we’re interested in opening are in the Strait of Hormuz. Blockades anywhere else are completely fine which explains why there is no talk of an international coalition to end Israel’s siege.

“Our intelligence revealed those boats were carrying medical supplies and baby formula,” an Israeli spokesman explained, “and we had to act before another toddler in Gaza received adequate nutrition.”

Video footage shows heroic IDF commandos rappelling onto the vessels and smashing them up like grocery stores in the West Bank. Crew members were zip-tied, blindfolded, and kidnapped — or as the IDF calls it, “invited for a complimentary interrogation cruise”.

Foreign Minister Gideon Saar said the terrorists would be “disembarked on a Greek beach” later on Thursday. It is unclear if they will be tortured first, or given a deluxe package that includes rape.

Israel justified its actions by pretending the flotilla had blocked an Israeli merchant vessel, which is kind'a like kidnapping a family who placed their towels too close to yours at the beach. Officials accused flotilla organisers of “joining hands” with Hamas by “bringing medicine that might heal sick and injured civilians in hospital tents”.

Netanyahu’s office released a statement emphasising that the raid was essential to protect the fragile ceasefire in Gaza – the one Israel has been honouring by murdering only a few dozen Palestinians a day. I wish these so-called peace activists would take peace as seriously Israel does. The Middle East crisis is entirely down to Greta Thunberg and her ilk. They have so much to answer for.

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The $1 billion luxury resort will be funded by struggling British families and Americans with no healthcare. It will come equipped with state-of-the-art facilities, including a Ba’al temple, a Pizza Express, a modelling agency, lots of hidden cameras, sound-proof dungeons, and a discreet acid bath that drains into the sea.

The resort will even have a museum dedicated to Andrew’s greatest achievements, called Sweaty Palms, Teddy Bears and Naval Exploits. It will include the Steiff bear collection that it is perfectly normal for a grown man to own, as well pictures of Andrew with foreign dignitaries and teenage girls he’s never met. It will even include memorabilia from Andrew’s glittering 22-year naval career that won him dozens of medals. He was truly fearless in battle.

“This is going to be huge, folks, way better than that other island, believe me,” a grinning President Trump told reporters, and given how much fun he had at the last island, that is one bold statement.

When the King flew over to the US, many in the UK were unsure if it was a good idea, if it was even possible for the two countries to repair the “special relationship”, but those doubters have been proven emphatically wrong. The US and UK are still bound by our shared values, such as protecting the worst people imaginable from accountability and funding the lavish lifestyles of a lucky few.

Excitingly, Little St James 2 will host wild parties that every politician and billionaire, apart from Elon Musk, will be invited to. Even paedophiles have standards. Reassuringly, all models will be expected to sign non-disclosure agreements before entering the on-site massage rooms, and they will stick to those NDAs, if they know what’s good for them.

As you can imagine, Ghislaine Maxwell is eager to re-join her old friend, Andrew, just as soon as she’s got that presidential pardon she’s been patiently waiting for. I’m told Jeffrey might also relocate there. I mean, no he won’t because he’s, um, dead, honest.

Construction of Little St James 2 is expected to be completed sometime before the next royal scandal, but probably not before the next Trump scandal — nobody can work that fast. Early reservations for “old friends” are being logged in a little black book that will definitely not become embarrassing for them at a future date.

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Yesterday, the White House saw the first visit from a British King and Queen since 1939, which coincidentally was the last time we were dragged into a World War. I’m confident there are no parallels to today though. The President is doing such a good job of stabilising the world, isn’t he?

When the King and Queen met the President and First Lady, the first thing Trump said was “You don’t like them as young as your brother, do you?” Trump then explained he was thinking of making himself “King of America” so he can cancel the midterms. He confessed that he is a big fan of Henry VIII, a man who shared his family values.

Needless to say, it was a huge honour for Trump to finally meet the brother of Prince Andrew, someone Trump grew close to on Epstein Island. As a close friend of the late Sir Jimmy Saville, Charles is confident that he and Trump can have a “special relationship” too. He feels that meeting a proud war criminal like Trump will help the monarchy rehabilitate its tarnished image.

Fingers crossed that Trump gives Prince Andrew a Presidential pardon along with his good friend Ghislaine Maxwell. He can do that, right? It’s fair to say the President needs to do something to lift the mood because the King is worried that the British economy will collapse due to the oil crisis, and Trump will steal the Falkland Islands for Javier Milei.

While such a move would probably strain relations with the UK to the point that the prime minister expressed mild disapproval, it might be the only way for Trump to show his supporters that he is still a winner. Nothing else seems to be working…

When Trump heroically survived the staged assassination attempt, he was hopeful it would improve his ratings. However, he went down a further two points and a Fox News poll showed that 70% of MAGA believe the shooting was a false flag.

A more accurate poll from Normal Island News (that relied on Trumpian percentages) showed that 807% of Americans believe Trump staged the shooting so he can build his ball room. As a result, the President ran away from the idea of further false flags, faster than his aircraft carriers run away from laundry room fires.

It seems like the propaganda just doesn’t work anymore. Sensible journalists like myself had leapt to the defence of Trump, using the magic words “conspiracy theorist” to silence anyone who questioned him. Unfortunately, we looked as foolish as a British MP arguing they have a right to get drunk in parliament. I’m starting to think we’re out of touch.

The false flag backfired so spectacularly that Trump spent much of yesterday telling people “I’m not a paedophile”, all because Kash Patel got carried away while writing the shooter’s manifesto. Unfortunately, everyone knows Trump means the opposite of what he says so he is now in an impossible position. It’s like the Strait of Hormuz situation all over again…

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Following the dramatic shooting at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner that tragically killed zero politicians, the entire internet jumped to the conclusion that the whole thing was staged. No one could accept that Americans are amazingly good at shooting school kids, but can’t shoot one big, fat orange man. They all agreed this was implausible.

To make matters worse, everyone had predicted another false flag! Smug social media users are dragging up their tweets from last week where they said Trump is gonna stage an assassination attempt to distract us from all his other failed distractions — and he only went and fucking did it! Weirdly, it looks like these people do not have psychic powers, just basic pattern recognition skills.

At first, I tried to defend the president and accuse them all of being conspiracy theorists, but this latest plot was so embarrassing, I just gave up.

Trump was recently told by a judge that he couldn’t build his ballroom without congressional approval, unless there was a security threat, so he did the natural thing: he hired a fake assassin so that an Israeli architect called Shalom Baranes could build the ballroom and Mossad could place its spy tech everywhere.

Trump had never previously attended a White House Correspondent’s Dinner, and when he agreed to attend this one, Karoline Leavitt kept saying things like there will be “shots fired” and Trump will “bring the heat” in what was either a bizarre Freudian slip or a deliberate attempt to play with us!

Immediately after the shooting took place, the president, his colleagues, and Twitter bots all declared this sort of security threat is why they need the ludicrously extravagant ballroom! We saw hundreds of identical tweets (and a barely readable long-form post from the president) insisting this is the only way to protect Trump from false flags. I mean, you could at least have waited a few days so it didn’t look so obvious, guys!

The story was just as badly thought through as every other plot Kash Patel has scripted, and I’m unsure if it’s down to his drinking or if he’s just a moron. It could be both.

What you are expected to believe is that someone breached the US president’s security perimeter with a gun for the third time. Even worse, the US is at war, meaning you are expected you to believe the Secret Service hired the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet to protect the president. Even Nicolas Maduro’s security wasn’t this weak!

We are told the gunman charged at a security checkpoint and shot a police officer in his bullet proof vest—an attack that could never have succeeded in reaching the president, making him the worst would-be assassin in history.

Multiple shots were fired in response and the shooter was pinned to the ground, but there was not a drop of blood, nor any suggestion of trauma in his face. He looked calm and relaxed as he lay cuffed, facedown, and not remotely injured. Perhaps he was a robot.

When the shots were going off, RFK jr didn’t even bother ducking because he had read the script. He had the look of a man who was wondering what the hell he had been dragged into. Sadly, Trump’s security team forgot Melania existed as they escorted the president to safety with zero sense of urgency. The only part of this that looked real was Stephen Miller using his pregnant wife as a human shield.

Shortly after the shooting, key figures in Trump’s team were caught on camera, giggling and smirking like naughty school kids who had just pranked their teacher. Trump took out his phone and posted on Truth Social to get a few likes, and then he arranged a press conference in record time. This was so weird, even a BBC journalist questioned it.

A Fox News reporter was telling us about about the false flag indications live on air, but she was cut off before she could say too much. She explained she was sitting next to Karoline Leavitt’s husband who told her “stay calm, this appears to be…” shortly before the bullets started flying.

The official story was falling apart so Kash Patel decided the best thing was to put out his evidence, fast. Only the fucking idiot left the watermark on one of his AI videos. I face-palmed so hard, I gave myself a black eye.

Normally, the shooter’s manifesto would not be released to avoid inspiring other shooters, but this one was quickly released. It explicitly targeted all of Trump’s key officials, apart from Kash Patel, presumably because it was written by Kash Patel.

We were initially told the shooter had been killed, rather than apprehended, because some idiot forgot to read the script. We were told he had an AR-15, but the weapon looked more like a makeshift shotgun. It’s fair to say they’re messing this story up as badly as they messed up the Tyler Robinson story.

For three whole days before the shooting, there was a massive spike in Google searches for the shooter’s name. Why do intelligence agencies always make this so obvious?

Anyways, they found out everything about this guy faster than they found the passports after 9/11. Apparently, 31 -year-old Cole Tomas Allen attended the elite Caltech University, became a rocket scientist and worked on AI models, mapping planets. He also built robots as a hobby. He worked at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory where all those scientists have mysteriously gone missing. I’m not making this up!

Clearly, the guy was a genius and yet he switched careers, becoming a part-time teacher and self-employed indie game developer… who became an assassin? That’s a weird career trajectory, right? No wonder Trump is keen to fire Kash Patel. You can’t have a drunk guy doing your propaganda!

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It was initially feared that the president had been killed, but then everyone realised he was just napping again. When informed that her husband was still alive, the first lady broke down in tears. I’m assuming these were tears of joy, but I’m unclear why Melania kept saying: “fuck, fuck, fuck”. I’m putting it down to shock.

The dinner was unfortunately cancelled and Trump took to Truth Social to get a few likes before holding a press conference where he called the shooter a “thug” and a “lone wolf”. He has been charged with firearms and assault offences, but Kash Patel has yet to find any bullet engravings, presumably because he is drunk and about to get fired.

It’s unclear if this shooting was a false flag like the last one, but either way, Trump should definitely use it as an excuse for more authoritarianism. If I were him, I’d cancel the mid-terms and introduce martial law to protect myself from any further false flags. It’s the only way to stop the radical left.

Here is the difference between us and them: we value human life and they don’t.

It is utterly despicable to target leaders, unless we’re talking about Nicolas Maduro, or Ayatollah Khamenei, or maybe the Cuban president whose name I can’t remember. Obviously, it’s fine to target the leaders of countries we don’t like. What do you mean, you don’t like the US?

The US is a democracy that always respects international law when it’s not bombing other countries back to the stone age. This is why you are obliged to cry for its rapists, paedophiles, and war criminals. Anything less would make you a terrorist!

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