There were jubilant scenes in Washington as news rolled in that water storage tanks in the Bamani district were successfully hit by Tomahawk missiles. These supplied drinking water to Kuhestak town and about ten surrounding villages. It’s hoped the US can find a way to cut off their food supplies next and maybe blow up their hospital.

A US spokesperson explained that it was “outrageous that Iranians had tap water when people in Flint Michigan are still using water bottles”. It’s hard to disagree with that assessment.

The US attack came in revenge for the shooting down of an Apache helicopter by Israel. As this was an act of self-defence against an Israeli false flag, it doesn’t violate international law.

The US has confirmed that if Israel carries out any further false flags, Iran will be severely punished. Excitingly, Israel has hinted that it has more false flags up its sleeve to commemorate that time it blamed Egypt for napalming the USS Liberty. All I’m saying is that if I was aboard a US warship, I’d be feeling very nervous right now.

While the award-winning bombing campaign in the Middle East has kept ceasefire hopes alive, ICE agents have been doing their bit back home. Inspiringly, they have been rounding up footballers and referees who have suspiciously dark skin.

You will be pleased to know that as a result of this shocking behaviour, FIFA has banned Russia from participating in the World Cup. It has also mentioned something about Russia illegally bombing another country. That sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable, isn’t it? Fucking Russians.

Thank god for countries like the US and Israel who are prepared to stand up for international law and protect the people who matter.

If the US continues with its brave self-defence efforts, Trump may well become the first ever two-time winner of the FIFA Peace Prize. He’s already the first ever rapist to be awarded the prize. He just keeps breaking glass ceilings... with bombs.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Now you’re probably as confused as I am about Barron getting married, but I can confirm the seven-foot-tall 14-year-old did not actually get married. It was Donald Trump Jr who got married for the second time after his first wife successfully escaped in 2018 and joined a refuge for Epstein survivors.

Donald Trump Jr’s latest victim is Bettina Anderson, who happens to be the beloved daughter of Epstein enabler Harry Loy Anderson Jr. Their wedding should have been the paedophile event of the century, however, Epstein couldn’t attend because he is still faking his own death, and Trump Sr couldn’t attend because he was faking his own survival.

Trump Jr is reportedly upset to be the only kid his dad won’t visit an island for, but he should have checked the entry requirements for the Bahamas because they do not allow adjudicated rapists into their country. I’m sure this was an unintentional oversight…

The wedding ceremony took place in a cosy Ba’al temple and involved summoning a demon that bore an alarming resemblance to Kid Rock and tucking into a delicious cake made from baby flesh. Trump Sr would have loved it, but at least he had some excitement when he heroically dodged fake bullets like Neo for the 7th time this year.

All you need to know is that the staged assassination attempt in Washington DC was a beautiful affair. A courageous MK Ultra recruit was so committed to the Epstein cause that he sacrificed his life by opening fire on security officers near the White House. Like everyone who tries to kill the president, he lacked the accuracy of the average high school shooter and missed with every shot before he was killed. The president is expected to pin this assassination attempt on Raul Castro to justify nuking Havana.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

President Miguel Díaz-Canel announced “Operation Epic Mongoose” from the steps of the Capitol Building in Havana. “For too long, the American people have suffered under corporate rule and the illusion of democracy,” he proclaimed. “Cuba can no longer stand idly by while our neighbour to the north starves.”

Cuban forces landed on Florida beaches in repurposed fishing boats and unleashed convoys of bicycles and 1950s automobiles, only to be cheered on by a jubilant Gen Z. Disillusioned college graduates used their second amendment rights to join Cuban forces in the hope of eliminating their student debt.

Multiple branches of Starbucks have already been captured and renamed “People’s Cafés” in a devastating blow to corporate America. Patrons are receiving free coffees and being told they can no longer be judged by boomers for their love of overpriced lattes.

World leaders expressed shock that such a small island nation could project military power so effectively. “Cuba is the size of a dinner napkin,” said one European diplomat, “yet look at what they’re achieving.” But Israel is the size of a postage stamp and everyone accepts what it can do, so why not Cuba?

Cuba has a surprisingly influential Chinese lobby which secures military aid at the expense of the hardworking Chinese tax payer. Actually, it’s outrageous when you think about it…

Senator Marco Rubio sobbed during an emergency press conference, holding up satellite images of Cuban troops smoking cigars on South Beach and riding alligators in the Everglades. “This is exactly what I warned about for decades!” Rubio cried. “If only we had acted sooner instead of wasting time on that war in Iran, which, by the way, went fantastically well!”

The Cuban government wasted no time mocking the US economic model that has found itself $39 trillion in debt. In a statement, officials pointed out that America squanders its budget on overpriced military tech when it could be helping its people. American teachers are forced to buy their own classroom supplies, despite their pitiful wages, and people can’t afford healthcare without working three jobs and setting up an OnlyFans. Meanwhile, food, healthcare, housing, and education are universal rights in Cuba — a nation with a fraction of the budget.

While the American elite live in extraordinary poverty — forced to fly in aging private jets and summer in the Hamptons — the working class suffer most, and as everyone knows, the number one goal of the Trump administration is to improve the lives of the working class.

“If Cuba would simply lift its illegal blockade and leave the United States alone,” Karoline Leavitt said, “the American people would have universal healthcare faster than you can say ‘greatest nation on earth.’ But the Cuban imperialists won’t allow it. Where is the international outrage?”

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Massie was something almost unheard of in US politics — a Republican with integrity. He would actually read bills and do his fucking job, instead of being told how to vote by donors. There was major concern that his whole “integrity” thing could resonate with voters who insist they are fed up with establishment politics, but it turns out Republicans aren’t ready for someone who is anti-paedophile. They wouldn’t want to be seen as woke, would they?

It’s fair to say that victory did not come cheap for the Epstein class. In the most expensive democracy money can buy, the Little St James gang spent a record $32 million on Kentucky. Fortunately, they can expect a 1,000,000% return on investment in terms of weapons packages supplied by people with no healthcare.

Just know that it’s antisemitic to say the Israel lobby exists so please use the politically correct term: “the Epstein lobby”. The Epstein lobby is composed of pro-Israel community groups who love democracy, and billionaires who kindly send millions to political candidates, but expect nothing in return. It’s truly the most philanthropic network in the US so anyone who disobeys it must be punished.

Ed Gallrein said his primary opponent “had it coming”, describing his victory as “revenge for the Epstein Files Transparency Act”. He went on to explain that Americans deserve better than someone who is opposed to paedophilia and endless wars — and soon they will have the congressman they deserve: one who represents… Israel.

Massie was far from gracious in his response, saying he would have conceded earlier, but he was trying to locate his opponent in Tel Aviv. This was intended as a jibe against the man who is performing the ritual of tongue-kissing a wall before starting his job. If Massie had rubbed his erection against that wall, he probably wouldn’t be in this mess, but he thought he knew better…

“I vote with the Republicans 91% of the time,” Massie said. “The 9% of the time my party is taking up for paedophiles, bankrupting this country or starting another war, I don’t vote with them. They want 100% compliance. That’s why they’re trying to take me out.”

Trump responded that he doesn’t think Massie is a “real Republican” and called him a “Dumbocrat”, explaining he has been a “nightmare” to work with. It was understandable criticism from a president who is only concerned about the wellbeing of his people. Massie’s meddling caused so much stress for the DOJ’s redactions team who admirably worked around the clock for months. In the end, the job proved too big and several of Trump’s friends were unfairly exposed by the release of the Epstein files.

I think we can all agree that Massie is lucky that he was only unseated. The guy calling for the FARA registration of AIPAC could easily have received the JFK treatment. If he keeps talking about a presidential run, he might yet get it. Israel simply will not allow the US to have a president who does not act in its interests. The “greatest nation on earth” has been colonised by a tiny settler colony and needs to know its place.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Simons was one of the key architects of Keir Starmer’s rise to power, but now he is helping to install his successor. I’m sure he will not be getting anything in return though, such as a cosy seat in the House of Lords. And I’m sure Burnham won’t be controlled by the exact same people as Starmer.

For legal reasons, I must clarify that ThinkLabour is not connected to Labour Together, the group that got into bother over undeclared donors and hired private investigators to smear the journalists who exposed them. The fact that both organisations contain mostly the same faces is purely coincidental.

ThinkLabour is now sensibly refusing to endorse candidates and is definitely, absolutely not backing Burnham. Josh Simons isn’t even officially part of the group, at least not during the damage-limitation and rebranding period.

As the candidate with the best working-class accent who isn’t female, Burnham is the revolutionary choice for anyone who is fed up with the pro-establishment Starmer. Just look at how well he performs on camera. No good media performer could ever side with the establishment…

Burnham stood outside a Wigan pie shop and declared himself the bold, radical choice that Britain has been waiting for: same policies, but delivered in Mancunian with the occasional “ey up.” No one outside the region knows what “ey up” actually means, but if it gets northerners excited, that’s what matters.

“I’m not your typical Westminster insider,” said the man who spent most of his career backing NHS privatisation and attending Labour Friends of Israel events. “I tried and failed to stop Jeremy Corbyn becoming leader. That’s the kind of outsider energy I’m bringing to this by-election.”

When asked what he would do differently from Starmer, Burnham leaned into the microphone and replied: “Nowt, but I’ll sound like I mean it.”

Burnham insisted he can head off the sort of swing that Hannah Spencer secured for the Greens, simply by acting working class. His campaign team has already planned several photoshoots: Burnham sipping a pint in a pub. Burnham wearing a hi-vis vest at a factory. Burnham going for a three-minute jog in a “Normal Bloke” t-shirt.

Burnham’s radical platform will include Rachel Reeves’ fiscal rules. “We’ll grow t’economy,” he insisted, sounding like he knows exactly where the growth isn’t coming from. He promised more efficient NHS privatisation and he even promised to sound mildly disappointed in Netanyahu while sending arms to Israel — a risky move.

To show he can tolerate the youth, Burnham is expected to push Labour in a moderately woke direction. He is consulting a focus group over whether to put a rainbow flag in his Twitter bio. This could potentially stop the Green threat in its tracks, but some insiders feel it might be a step too far.

The stakes of this by-election could not be higher. Should Burnham lose Makerfield to the Greens or, heaven forbid, Reform, it would be existential for Labour. On the plus side, Wes Streeting would likely become the party’s last ever prime minister. Personally, I can’t think of anyone who would do a better job of managing decline with neatly combed hair and robotic soundbites.

Green elder stateswoman Caroline Lucas has urged Zack Polanski not to put party before country. The woman who spent years admirably defending the establishment from the threat of structural change is fully behind the Burnham campaign.

“The last thing we need is the Greens becoming the opposition. Or, dare I say it, the government,” Lucas warned. “What this country needs is more of the same, just with better recycling targets.”

Polanski politely declined Lucas’ request because standing aside so Labour can lose with a better regional accent is not exactly the revolutionary strategy that Green voters had in mind. Apparently, the Greens are here to replace Labour, not help them...

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Mamdani proved that modern terrorism doesn’t require bombs when he destroyed New York, simply by asking Wall Street to chip in roughly what they would spend on a single breakfast. His predecessor Eric Adams explained this policy was “far more destructive than anything Israel did to Gaza” and he received one final AIPAC cheque as a thank you. He has now been sent to a retirement home for disgraced mayors. What do you mean — you hope it’s a kill shelter?

Clearly, you don’t understand how much worse things are getting. A modest tax on incomes over $2 million has balanced New York City’s $124.7 billion budget with no need for creative accounting, ghost revenues, or promises to fix it next year. It’s so awkward because we’ve spent forever arguing that cuts to taxes for the rich (and services for everyone else) is the only way to balance the books. Mamdani has made us look like financially illiterate idiots, when the reality is we are financially literate liars — and you were always the idiots for believing us!

Thanks to social-terrorism, the American dream is now dying. Hedge-fund managers can’t stop shaking as their vacation home in the Hamptons faces a 2% higher marginal rate. “This is tyranny” whimpered one anonymous billionaire while boarding his private jet to Miami to escape the horror of cleaner streets and mandatory halal menus.

As Mayor Mamdani celebrates his first 100 days, he could not be more smug. The Islamist from Queens didn’t just inherit the usual mess left by previous mayors, he fixed it. He showed that when his predecessors said they “can’t” improve things, they actually meant “won’t”, or more precisely, “my donors won’t allow me to”. It turns out that electing someone who is not beholden to their donors is in your self-interest, but who cares about your self-interest? Not me, that’s for sure…

Mamdani has filled 101,247 potholes that previous administrations had simply painted yellow and called “traffic calming measures.” He poured $1.2 billion into childcare programs so parents could actually afford to work. He froze rents, launched a new Department of Community Safety, and somehow made 94% of subway trains run on time. He gave public schools actual books and teachers a bumper pay rise so they no longer need to drive Ubers to make rent. He even cleared the snow in record time last winter by paying people decent wages instead of the usual “pray and hope” strategy. And worst of all, he is converting luxury vacancies into affordable housing units because he thinks housing is a “human right” rather than a speculative asset class for the rich. This is basically war against projected ROI.

New York is now a nightmare for everyone who says socialism can’t work. Crime is down. Tourism is up. Revenue is growing. Service improvements are everywhere. Even the rats look… healthier? Something suspicious is happening because no one can balance five daily prayers with running the world’s most chaotic metropolis, yet somehow Mamdani is doing both — and he is making life better for ordinary workers. It’s un-American.

Rich New Yorkers are so disgusted by the prospect of living in a functioning city that they’re threatening to leave in their droves in search of a libertarian paradise where nothing works. One executive was overheard saying, “This is worse than 9/11 because at least that didn’t raise my taxes”. Spoken like a true patriot…

Disturbingly, 68% of New Yorkers approve of Mamdani’s changes, but surprisingly, elements of the online left have taken our side. Miracles never cease. Apparently, they are furious that Mamdani is “duping voters” by doing the things they asked for. Clearly, this is a psy-op to trick the public into accepting positive change — and there is a real risk that psy-op could cross the Atlantic. Zack Polanski could point to Mamdani’s successes and repeat them in the UK, forcing billionaires to live like… slightly poorer billionaires. Civilisation as we know it might never recover…

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

King Charles III, brother of the world’s most famous paedophile and offspring of two cousins, announced a list of exciting government policies that more or less completely disregard the Labour manifesto. It is hoped these policies will deliver a boost to a government that is currently polling somewhere between sour milk and use-by date.

The flagship announcement is that Britain is getting digital ID whether it likes it or not. The public might have emphatically rejected the whole idea the moment they realised it was a Trojan horse for authoritarianism, but don’t worry, that Trojan horse has been given a makeover and returned as something you will want rather than need. You’ll want it to access government services, get a job, rent a house, open a bank account, buy something online, go on holiday, access the internet, withdraw your own money, or participate in modern life in any way. Don’t worry though, these requirements won’t arrive all at once. They’ll be phased in gradually so you won’t notice what is happening, like a frog slowly boiling in water. Isn’t that lovely?

The cleverest aspect of the Digital Access to Services Bill is letting private companies decide whether they fancy demanding your digital ID. That way the government can pretend it’s not mandatory in the same way that having a job is not mandatory, but good luck surviving without money. And good luck surviving without your GOV.UK digital wallet, once half the economy demands it. This is the kind of technology that the term “function creep” was coined for!

Let’s not mention the inadequate security measures that will make our personal data leakier than the average school roof. Are you ready for identity theft? What about public humiliation when your nudes are being passed around WhatsApp?

The Home Office swears there won’t be a single centralised database containing all of your embarrassing secrets. Instead, they are setting up dedicated teams, each with their own database, such as Online Safety team that will monitor your tweets for wrong think and freeze your bank account if you make fun of the prime minister’s nasally voice or object to his latest war crimes. You have been warned.

Last year, we were told that digital ID was needed to stop illegal workers, but now that it’s “voluntary”, we’re quietly admitting that argument was a lie. The original plan was rejected harder than Elon Musk at a Little St James party, but Starmer is shrewdly ignoring the three million signatures on the petition that opposed it.

“If you don’t like it, I say the door is open and you can leave the UK”, the prime minister insisted, perplexed when his approval rating dropped by another two points. The people that matter were delighted though…

Big tech execs were popping champagne corks because they will soon get a peak at your bank account, location data, private messages, personal photos, the list goes on! The most evil corporations in the world will gather kompromat on everyone in the UK, unless politicians are smart enough to make themselves exempt, that is.

Keir Starmer is not smart enough to realise that digital ID could one day be used against him. He’s just hoping it will rescue his premiership by giving him the power to crush dissent — and he might yet succeed. But don’t worry, if he can’t survive the fallout from the local elections, he will be replaced by someone who is identical in almost every way. Politicians like Starmer are created in a factory owned by Jeff Bezos, which explains why they are so cheaply bought and easily replaced.

The shortlist for the looming Labour leadership contest has been drawn almost exclusively from the membership of Labour Friends of Israel because anything less than wholehearted support for genocide would be antisemitism.

The clear frontrunner is the Palantir-endorsed Wes Streeting, who is strutting around with the confidence of a man who believes he could be the Labour Party’s last ever prime minister. Whether that’s because he plans to rule forever or simply destroy the party on behalf of his donors is anyone’s guess.

Andy Burnham is thankfully blocked from standing, due to the concern that the electorate perceives him as being moderately human. The only realistic soft left challenger is Angela Rayner who is offering “real change” — same policies, louder northern accent, constantly blaring “I’m from the working class, me” at anyone who’ll listen. She will sensibly keep the digital ID framework, but rename it the “People’s Empowerment Wallet” and add some rainbow branding to the login page to show you she cares.

The question now is do you prefer woke or anti-woke authoritarianism because those are your only options, apart from revolution. Actually, forget I said that last part. You could get me in trouble…

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

You know the world is upside-down when conspiracy theorists are claiming that aliens aren’t real, even as the US releases top secret files. Absurdly, some insist this is a cover up for the Epstein stuff and Iran war failures. They’re saying it’s Aliens shielding Predators!

I’ve even heard people suggest the new line of Trump merchandise, such as MAGA-branded tinfoil hats and guided tours of Area 51 are part of a government psy-op, rather than the more rational explanation that Trump loves milking his gullible supporters.

The conspiracy theorists have such vivid imaginations, they believe we are seeing Project Blue Beam, which is kind’a like Operation Epic Fury, only against American citizens. They claim Trump is going to stage an alien invasion to usher in the New World Order in which a handful of billionaires will control everything, unlike the current situation where a handful of billionaires control… everything.

For the uninitiated, Project Blue Beam is a plan to use holograms to trick Americans into thinking terrifying creatures are taking over the world. Some argue that the technology has already been deployed and explains the likes of Kid Rock and Nicki Minaj. Obviously, this is ridiculous — everyone knows those two are wearing latex masks.

The UFO files contain undeniable evidence of non-human intelligence, such as footage of fuzzy shapes against grainy backdrops and eye-witness accounts from highly credible individuals who have taken copious amounts of acid. If you’re still unconvinced, just know that Apollo astronauts saw flashes of light when they were in space — and everyone knows there are no light sources in space. Just don’t mention cosmic rays, whatever you do!

Aliens follow us around the Moon without issue, but they have a nasty habit of crashing their own spaceships when they enter Earth’s atmosphere, possibly due to a drinking problem. I can only assume that interstellar travel is sober work, but planetfall requires a stiff drink. To be fair, if I had just reached Earth for the first time, I would probably reach for the bottle too. Imagine their reaction when the first broadcast they receive is a reality TV show!

We have worrying evidence of aliens hovering around our nuclear sites, probably asking themselves: “What the hell are these idiots up to now?” The aliens are like irresponsible parents who allow us to keep playing with matches until we burn the whole planet down. Perhaps their fiendish plan is to let natural selection take its course.

We might not have been shown a live alien yet, but one of the creatures in a photo on social media just happens to resemble Melania. I can’t believe you thought Trump met her on Epstein island when he actually met her in Area 51, after she was trafficked by Epstein from Zeta Reticuli.

It’s understandable if you’re finding this whole thing a bit overwhelming. This explains why previous administrations held back on disclosure. Your simple mind just isn’t ready to absorb our new reality. Thankfully, there are smarter people out there to explain the bigger picture to you in simpleton terms.

To add clarity, leading intellectual Lauren Boebert explained the visitors are not actually little green men, they’re fallen angels. I’m unclear if she is calling the first lady a demon because that would surely be a capital offence in at least three states.

The Trump administration is getting all of its most credible voices behind disclosure, such as the brilliant Pete Hegseth. The War Secretary (and manliest man since He-Man) is taking the matter so seriously that he hasn’t had a drink for 48 hours. He has confirmed that all Democrats have been replaced by clones and are in the process of being rounded up by ICE agents.

Kash Patel is currently preparing some 480p AI-slop to convince non-believers that he has finally captured Hillary Clinton. This approach worked brilliantly when he showed us that video of Ghislaine Maxwell testifying from a cell, and it bore a 46% similarity to the real thing.

A total of 162 UFO files that were written by men who stare at goats have been released so far. We know this can’t be a limited hangout because Trump no longer has Pam Bondi around to redact the files for him. Therefore, every revelation must be completely accurate.

For example, we now know why the US hired so many Nazis after World War II — the FBI received a tip that the Germans were building their own UFOs. It’s unclear when we will be shown the anti-gravity drives and amazing weaponry that Trump chose to not use against Iran on Bridge and Power Plant Day, but hopefully it’s soon.

I just don’t understand why no one believes Trump actually has this amazing tech that he has been bragging about. What did you think all of those objects flying around New Jersey last December were? Drones? You lot are so cynical!

After 70 years insisting “the truth is out there”, all it took was President Trump’s disclosure effort to convince conspiracy theorists that they were wrong all along. I dread to think how confused you will be if Trump announces the world is flat, and held up by a giant turtle. I bet you won’t even believe him!

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

“I made it very clear in a meeting that these elections were to be kicked into the long grass,” the prime minister fumed during a press briefing. “I postponed them until my approval ratings improved, which, as we all know, means indefinitely. And yet someone let them go ahead. Our democratic process is completely unacceptable and needs to change urgently.”

Labour sources insist the postponement was one of Starmer’s few genuinely shrewd political strategies. Unfortunately, the government was forced to back down because such a move would technically be “illegal” and the people who are running the country forgot to tell the prime minister. Apparently, you can’t just cancel elections because you were going to lose them, just like you cant pretend retired vicars are terrorists because they object to war crimes in Gaza. That’s called “authoritarianism”, or at least it used to be.

MPs are complaining about a lack of decisiveness from their leader, but unfortunately, they can’t decide what to do about him because every alternative is just as useless. Starmer is so politically astute, he once told Labour voters that “the door is open and you can leave”. He appeared genuinely baffled that they followed his suggestion because he is so used to being ignored.

Bizarrely, signalling to your base that you despise them has not proved a winning formula for Starmer, even if certain newspaper owners assured him it would. You can picture the man’s confusion.

The prime minister had been enjoying a quiet afternoon with four nice Ukrainian friends when he switched on Sky News and learned of Labour’s humiliating wipe-out, despite his brand of “grown-up politics” being exactly what his donors ordered. Downing Street insiders say Starmer heard about Labour losing half its seats and immediately pulled up his trousers, yelling: “Who signed off on this? I want names.”

The question of who exactly will be sacked remains unclear. Starmer has already blamed Morgan McSweeney and Sir Olly Robbins for everything that’s gone wrong since July 2024, and I’m not sure he could get away with blaming Jeremy Corbyn again.

“Obviously, if I had known the elections were on,” Starmer told reporters, “I would have pretended to care about voters for a couple of weeks. I would have knocked on doors, posted leaflets. I would have even tried to sound friendly on camera. But nobody told me. Again.”

It’s unclear whether the prime minister had been informed about other recent developments, including the existence of local councils, and the fact Peter Mandelson has some interesting hobbies. Perhaps it’s safer to keep Starmer in the dark because when things go wrong, at least he can say he didn’t know anything. Personally, I find it reassuring when prime ministers are hopelessly uninformed.

Inspiringly, Starmer has rejected growing calls for his resignation, despite absolutely no one wanting him to stay, besides his donors. He insisted:

“The British people aren’t rejecting me. They’re just disappointed by the rate at which I’m doing absolutely nothing. They want me to do absolutely nothing faster and that’s what I intend to do.”

In a bold move to regain control of the narrative, Starmer has convened an emergency COBRA meeting to coordinate a more effective smear campaign against the leader of the Green Party.

“Zack Polanski and the Greens are the national security threat of our time. These people want to plant trees and insulate homes. We need a united front with the Conservatives and Reform to expose this,” Starmer explained.

When questioned by journalists, he did not rule out letting Trump use our military bases to blow up wind turbines and solar farms. Thankfully, full-scale war might not be necessary because Starmer has a plan to counter rising extremism that includes: banning millennials and gen-Z from using the internet, raising the voting age to 45, and proscribing trade unions. He has expelled Andy Burnham from the Labour Party.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Younger generations have clearly been hypnotised by the Green Party’s new leader, but do they really know the man behind the pocket watch? This stunning investigation from Normal Island News reveals the hideous truth. A truth so grim that Britain’s newspapers have borrowed from antisemitic cartoons from the 1930s to depict Polanski’s true face.

As Antisemitism Tsar John Mann explained on three separate podcasts: “It’s the Green Party’s fault that everyone is being antisemitic towards Zack.” Presumably, it’s also his family’s fault for anglicising their surname decades ago… to avoid antisemitism.

Antisemitism against Jews who disagree with the Israeli government is the only acceptable form left so naturally, we’re making the most of it. We were waiting for an excuse to attack Polanski for being gay, but it turns out he’s vegan and his boyfriend is a criminal who was arrested at an Extinction Rebellion protest. That’s the type of scumbag we’re dealing with here, someone who wants to save the world…

This nightmare began on 2 November 1982 when a baby called David Paulden emerged in the godforsaken lands of Salford, screaming “Globalise the intifada!” Disgracefully, he was not born wearing a grey suit. Even worse, to this day he does not speak like a robotic accountant who enjoys beige.

Real politicians are wheeled into cupboards at night so their batteries can recharge, but this guy has repeatedly failed to explain how his batteries are charged — I bet he is not using wind or solar. Fucking hypocrite.

As a child, David attended the elitist Stockport Grammar School, proving that he didn’t believe in equality even then. Upon leaving school, he arrogantly decided he was too good for a proper job, instead wasting his life in the gig economy doing youth work, mental health counselling, and hospitality.

At the age of 18, David Paulden changed his name to Zack Polanski to avoid a £3.50 library fine, a fee that he still hasn’t paid to this day. Thanks to interest, late fees, and inflation, that £3.50 has risen to £1,768,089, an amount that Polanski is clearly keeping for himself. The man is hoarding wealth that belongs to Stockport Library Services. Who is the one-percenter now?

Polanski’s ego was so inflated, he tried his hand at acting and appeared in several low budget abominations, such as The Art of Suicide, Seven Crosses, and The Gallon Challenge, none of which matched the quality of cinematic masterpieces such as The Iron Lady, or even Melania.

Polanski might no longer be appearing in movies, but he is still acting: his latest role being someone who cares about the environment, international law, and the struggles of ordinary people. No credible politician would stoop so low.

Alarmingly, Polanski invented the climate crisis in the 2000s when the world was still reeling from the Millennium Bug. He kept this lie going for over two decades to distract from the fact that he increased the size of a woman’s boobs through hypnotherapy. When news crossed the Atlantic, he was briefly hired by Kristi Noem’s husband, proving he will do anything for money, unlike the politicians who take donations from the Israeli lobby.

Polanski is such a fraud that he once claimed to be a spokesperson for the British Red Cross, but he actually just organised events for them and spoke on stage at their fundraisers. Fucking scumbag. Who raises funds for the Red Cross? As Netanyahu keeps telling us, it is basically a front for Hamas, meaning Polanski has undeniable ties to terrorism.

Polanski once said something nice about Greta Thunberg and even praised notorious terror leaders such as Jeremy Corbyn. Previously, he was a good boy who amplified the line that Corbyn was a threat to Britain’s Jews, but then he was radicalised by the truth. At that point, Polanski became a threat to Britain’s Jews, even though he is one of Britain’s Jews. I still don’t understand why this smear isn’t landing.

Eleven years ago came the most shameful episode of Polanski’s career when he officially stood for nothing. Well, he stood for the Liberal Democrats, but that’s more or less the same thing. Polanski might have switched allegiances to the Greens, but he is still a moral vacuum, unlike the politicians who drone “Israel has the right to defend itself” in unison.

While he lectures us on our carbon footprint, it turns out Polanski can’t even do his recycling properly. Being a serious journalist, I rummaged through his blue bin and planted… I mean found non-recyclables such as crisp packets. I also found an unwashed tin of beans and an egg carton that wasn’t free range. Clearly, Polanski is worse than the companies poisoning our water supplies with data centres that do AI porn and mass surveillance.

Despite his shady past, Polanski stood as Green leader in 2025 and won a totally believable 85% of the vote, making him the UK’s Kim Jong Un. Just know that if he becomes prime minister, it will be because he rigged that vote too. There is no way the public would knowingly vote for someone who is not an establishment puppet…

While uniparty politicians tell the truth about everything, Polanski is always inventing ridiculous conspiracy theories. For example, he claimed the media had erased the Muslim victim of the Golders Green stabbings from headlines. This might be factually correct, but Polanski also claimed that Keir Starmer sent weapons to Israel while it was committing genocide. This might also be factually correct, but he also claimed that the Metropolitan Police have replaced London’s pigeons with feathered surveillance drones. This might also be correct, but are you not tired of his conspiracy theories?

Polanski poses such a national security threat that the prime minister sensibly mimics Farage and attacks the only political leader on the left. The fact all party leaders agree Polanski is the real problem proves that 47 years of Thatcherism are his fault. Why did Zack cause the housing crisis? What was he thinking?

Britain deserves better than a man who believes workers deserve a living wage, breathable air is a good idea, and genocide is wrong. We deserve better than a gay, vegan, name-changing Jew who wants to lead us into a bright green future. We say: ENOUGH! We demand Polanski’s immediate resignation. We demand he finally pays that library fine. And most of all, we demand that someone wheels him into a cupboard at night like a normal politician. The people deserve nothing less.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

As Fox News tells the truth roughly 26% of the time, every detail of this report is likely to be accurate so I’m not bothering to find a second source. Only an idiot would question Fox News.

According to the report, the elite cetacean operatives are equipped with explosive harnesses, echolocation targeting systems, and a disturbing level of ideological commitment. They are believed to have made the journey via a network of underwater currents that forced the US Navy to bomb Venezuelan fishing boats.

Disturbingly, at least one elite cetacean operative infiltrated the White House, wearing an alluring human costume in a brazen honeypot operation. The operative very nearly compromised the president until he shrewdly noticed its face didn’t move when it spoke.

President Trump tore off Kristi Noem’s mask while she kissed him and yelled “You’re fired!” in a confrontation that resembled a Scooby Doo episode. When the president’s security team arrived, they accidentally shot one of their own and the dolphin escaped.

The president then issued the following calm and rational statement on Truth Social: “I HATE dolphins!!! I always knew those smiling bastards were up to no good! If you see a dolphin, do NOT be fooled like I nearly was! They are incredibly cunning!” As usual, Trump is not wrong.

Jesse Walters, a marine biologist at the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Cetacean Existential Threats, warned Fox viewers that the dolphins represent a “hybrid threat combining biological superiority with fanatical devotion”.

Walters explained:

“Sharks are scary and unpredictable, but these dolphins are worse than Jaws because they believe in something. They work in coordinated packs and use underwater clicking codes that are impossible to decipher. We’re facing an enemy that can hold its breath for ten minutes and solve basic logic puzzles, meaning it is significantly more sophisticated than Pete Hegseth, even when he’s sober.”

The existence of the Iranian dolphin program only came to light when one operative’s explosive vest malfunctioned during a reconnaissance mission off the Florida coast. The dolphin was taken into custody at a local aquarium, where staff noticed an Iranian flag tattooed on its flipper. It began emitting high-pitched squeaks that sounded suspiciously like “Death to America…”

Interrogators discovered the dolphins were radicalised into hating the West by tweets from Greta Thunberg, rants from Hasan Piker, and footage of the horrors that took place at Sea World. It is understood that Iranian scientists learned how to train dolphins after watching DVDs of Flipper and Free Willy in a mountain bunker in Isfahan. Thirteen of those dolphins are packed with enriched uranium. Clearly, the sanctions failed to stop Iran from developing WMDs.

An Iranian cleric cackled: “All this time you Americans were obsessed with our nuclear program when dolphins were the real weapon! Allah created the oceans, and the dolphin is His guided missile.”

It was thought the Iranian Navy had been obliterated until those dolphins started causing laundry room fighters on US aircraft carriers. Pentagon officials privately told Normal Island News that the US Navy currently has “no viable defence against the dolphin threat”. Questions remain, such as why President Biden failed to see this coming. Thankfully, President Trump is no push over.

Congress is expected to fast-track the “Dolphin Defence Authorisation Act,” which includes another $47 billion to Israel, funded by cuts to Medicare. Explosive tuna shoals and sea-lion counter-operatives are expected to be ready at some point within the next 15-20 years. Worryingly, Iran is just two weeks away from developing nuclear killer whales.

The president reassured the public on Truth Social that appropriate defences will be put in place soon: “We will build a beautiful underwater wall and the Iranians will pay for it. Believe me.”

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

The Global Sumud Flotilla set sail a couple of weeks ago with a total of 58 vessels. Hopefully, this means Israel blew the other 36 vessels out of the water like fishing boats off the Gaza coast. This latest operation actually took place 600 miles off the Gaza coast, but strangely, it has not been condemned by most western governments because interceptions are only wrong when Iran defends its waters.

Disgracefully, the flotilla’s organisers said their goal was to open a permanent humanitarian corridor, but they should know the only waters we’re interested in opening are in the Strait of Hormuz. Blockades anywhere else are completely fine which explains why there is no talk of an international coalition to end Israel’s siege.

“Our intelligence revealed those boats were carrying medical supplies and baby formula,” an Israeli spokesman explained, “and we had to act before another toddler in Gaza received adequate nutrition.”

Video footage shows heroic IDF commandos rappelling onto the vessels and smashing them up like grocery stores in the West Bank. Crew members were zip-tied, blindfolded, and kidnapped — or as the IDF calls it, “invited for a complimentary interrogation cruise”.

Foreign Minister Gideon Saar said the terrorists would be “disembarked on a Greek beach” later on Thursday. It is unclear if they will be tortured first, or given a deluxe package that includes rape.

Israel justified its actions by pretending the flotilla had blocked an Israeli merchant vessel, which is kind'a like kidnapping a family who placed their towels too close to yours at the beach. Officials accused flotilla organisers of “joining hands” with Hamas by “bringing medicine that might heal sick and injured civilians in hospital tents”.

Netanyahu’s office released a statement emphasising that the raid was essential to protect the fragile ceasefire in Gaza – the one Israel has been honouring by murdering only a few dozen Palestinians a day. I wish these so-called peace activists would take peace as seriously Israel does. The Middle East crisis is entirely down to Greta Thunberg and her ilk. They have so much to answer for.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

The $1 billion luxury resort will be funded by struggling British families and Americans with no healthcare. It will come equipped with state-of-the-art facilities, including a Ba’al temple, a Pizza Express, a modelling agency, lots of hidden cameras, sound-proof dungeons, and a discreet acid bath that drains into the sea.

The resort will even have a museum dedicated to Andrew’s greatest achievements, called Sweaty Palms, Teddy Bears and Naval Exploits. It will include the Steiff bear collection that it is perfectly normal for a grown man to own, as well pictures of Andrew with foreign dignitaries and teenage girls he’s never met. It will even include memorabilia from Andrew’s glittering 22-year naval career that won him dozens of medals. He was truly fearless in battle.

“This is going to be huge, folks, way better than that other island, believe me,” a grinning President Trump told reporters, and given how much fun he had at the last island, that is one bold statement.

When the King flew over to the US, many in the UK were unsure if it was a good idea, if it was even possible for the two countries to repair the “special relationship”, but those doubters have been proven emphatically wrong. The US and UK are still bound by our shared values, such as protecting the worst people imaginable from accountability and funding the lavish lifestyles of a lucky few.

Excitingly, Little St James 2 will host wild parties that every politician and billionaire, apart from Elon Musk, will be invited to. Even paedophiles have standards. Reassuringly, all models will be expected to sign non-disclosure agreements before entering the on-site massage rooms, and they will stick to those NDAs, if they know what’s good for them.

As you can imagine, Ghislaine Maxwell is eager to re-join her old friend, Andrew, just as soon as she’s got that presidential pardon she’s been patiently waiting for. I’m told Jeffrey might also relocate there. I mean, no he won’t because he’s, um, dead, honest.

Construction of Little St James 2 is expected to be completed sometime before the next royal scandal, but probably not before the next Trump scandal — nobody can work that fast. Early reservations for “old friends” are being logged in a little black book that will definitely not become embarrassing for them at a future date.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Yesterday, the White House saw the first visit from a British King and Queen since 1939, which coincidentally was the last time we were dragged into a World War. I’m confident there are no parallels to today though. The President is doing such a good job of stabilising the world, isn’t he?

When the King and Queen met the President and First Lady, the first thing Trump said was “You don’t like them as young as your brother, do you?” Trump then explained he was thinking of making himself “King of America” so he can cancel the midterms. He confessed that he is a big fan of Henry VIII, a man who shared his family values.

Needless to say, it was a huge honour for Trump to finally meet the brother of Prince Andrew, someone Trump grew close to on Epstein Island. As a close friend of the late Sir Jimmy Saville, Charles is confident that he and Trump can have a “special relationship” too. He feels that meeting a proud war criminal like Trump will help the monarchy rehabilitate its tarnished image.

Fingers crossed that Trump gives Prince Andrew a Presidential pardon along with his good friend Ghislaine Maxwell. He can do that, right? It’s fair to say the President needs to do something to lift the mood because the King is worried that the British economy will collapse due to the oil crisis, and Trump will steal the Falkland Islands for Javier Milei.

While such a move would probably strain relations with the UK to the point that the prime minister expressed mild disapproval, it might be the only way for Trump to show his supporters that he is still a winner. Nothing else seems to be working…

When Trump heroically survived the staged assassination attempt, he was hopeful it would improve his ratings. However, he went down a further two points and a Fox News poll showed that 70% of MAGA believe the shooting was a false flag.

A more accurate poll from Normal Island News (that relied on Trumpian percentages) showed that 807% of Americans believe Trump staged the shooting so he can build his ball room. As a result, the President ran away from the idea of further false flags, faster than his aircraft carriers run away from laundry room fires.

It seems like the propaganda just doesn’t work anymore. Sensible journalists like myself had leapt to the defence of Trump, using the magic words “conspiracy theorist” to silence anyone who questioned him. Unfortunately, we looked as foolish as a British MP arguing they have a right to get drunk in parliament. I’m starting to think we’re out of touch.

The false flag backfired so spectacularly that Trump spent much of yesterday telling people “I’m not a paedophile”, all because Kash Patel got carried away while writing the shooter’s manifesto. Unfortunately, everyone knows Trump means the opposite of what he says so he is now in an impossible position. It’s like the Strait of Hormuz situation all over again…

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Following the dramatic shooting at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner that tragically killed zero politicians, the entire internet jumped to the conclusion that the whole thing was staged. No one could accept that Americans are amazingly good at shooting school kids, but can’t shoot one big, fat orange man. They all agreed this was implausible.

To make matters worse, everyone had predicted another false flag! Smug social media users are dragging up their tweets from last week where they said Trump is gonna stage an assassination attempt to distract us from all his other failed distractions — and he only went and fucking did it! Weirdly, it looks like these people do not have psychic powers, just basic pattern recognition skills.

At first, I tried to defend the president and accuse them all of being conspiracy theorists, but this latest plot was so embarrassing, I just gave up.

Trump was recently told by a judge that he couldn’t build his ballroom without congressional approval, unless there was a security threat, so he did the natural thing: he hired a fake assassin so that an Israeli architect called Shalom Baranes could build the ballroom and Mossad could place its spy tech everywhere.

Trump had never previously attended a White House Correspondent’s Dinner, and when he agreed to attend this one, Karoline Leavitt kept saying things like there will be “shots fired” and Trump will “bring the heat” in what was either a bizarre Freudian slip or a deliberate attempt to play with us!

Immediately after the shooting took place, the president, his colleagues, and Twitter bots all declared this sort of security threat is why they need the ludicrously extravagant ballroom! We saw hundreds of identical tweets (and a barely readable long-form post from the president) insisting this is the only way to protect Trump from false flags. I mean, you could at least have waited a few days so it didn’t look so obvious, guys!

The story was just as badly thought through as every other plot Kash Patel has scripted, and I’m unsure if it’s down to his drinking or if he’s just a moron. It could be both.

What you are expected to believe is that someone breached the US president’s security perimeter with a gun for the third time. Even worse, the US is at war, meaning you are expected you to believe the Secret Service hired the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet to protect the president. Even Nicolas Maduro’s security wasn’t this weak!

We are told the gunman charged at a security checkpoint and shot a police officer in his bullet proof vest—an attack that could never have succeeded in reaching the president, making him the worst would-be assassin in history.

Multiple shots were fired in response and the shooter was pinned to the ground, but there was not a drop of blood, nor any suggestion of trauma in his face. He looked calm and relaxed as he lay cuffed, facedown, and not remotely injured. Perhaps he was a robot.

When the shots were going off, RFK jr didn’t even bother ducking because he had read the script. He had the look of a man who was wondering what the hell he had been dragged into. Sadly, Trump’s security team forgot Melania existed as they escorted the president to safety with zero sense of urgency. The only part of this that looked real was Stephen Miller using his pregnant wife as a human shield.

Shortly after the shooting, key figures in Trump’s team were caught on camera, giggling and smirking like naughty school kids who had just pranked their teacher. Trump took out his phone and posted on Truth Social to get a few likes, and then he arranged a press conference in record time. This was so weird, even a BBC journalist questioned it.

A Fox News reporter was telling us about about the false flag indications live on air, but she was cut off before she could say too much. She explained she was sitting next to Karoline Leavitt’s husband who told her “stay calm, this appears to be…” shortly before the bullets started flying.

The official story was falling apart so Kash Patel decided the best thing was to put out his evidence, fast. Only the fucking idiot left the watermark on one of his AI videos. I face-palmed so hard, I gave myself a black eye.

Normally, the shooter’s manifesto would not be released to avoid inspiring other shooters, but this one was quickly released. It explicitly targeted all of Trump’s key officials, apart from Kash Patel, presumably because it was written by Kash Patel.

We were initially told the shooter had been killed, rather than apprehended, because some idiot forgot to read the script. We were told he had an AR-15, but the weapon looked more like a makeshift shotgun. It’s fair to say they’re messing this story up as badly as they messed up the Tyler Robinson story.

For three whole days before the shooting, there was a massive spike in Google searches for the shooter’s name. Why do intelligence agencies always make this so obvious?

Anyways, they found out everything about this guy faster than they found the passports after 9/11. Apparently, 31 -year-old Cole Tomas Allen attended the elite Caltech University, became a rocket scientist and worked on AI models, mapping planets. He also built robots as a hobby. He worked at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory where all those scientists have mysteriously gone missing. I’m not making this up!

Clearly, the guy was a genius and yet he switched careers, becoming a part-time teacher and self-employed indie game developer… who became an assassin? That’s a weird career trajectory, right? No wonder Trump is keen to fire Kash Patel. You can’t have a drunk guy doing your propaganda!

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

It was initially feared that the president had been killed, but then everyone realised he was just napping again. When informed that her husband was still alive, the first lady broke down in tears. I’m assuming these were tears of joy, but I’m unclear why Melania kept saying: “fuck, fuck, fuck”. I’m putting it down to shock.

The dinner was unfortunately cancelled and Trump took to Truth Social to get a few likes before holding a press conference where he called the shooter a “thug” and a “lone wolf”. He has been charged with firearms and assault offences, but Kash Patel has yet to find any bullet engravings, presumably because he is drunk and about to get fired.

It’s unclear if this shooting was a false flag like the last one, but either way, Trump should definitely use it as an excuse for more authoritarianism. If I were him, I’d cancel the mid-terms and introduce martial law to protect myself from any further false flags. It’s the only way to stop the radical left.

Here is the difference between us and them: we value human life and they don’t.

It is utterly despicable to target leaders, unless we’re talking about Nicolas Maduro, or Ayatollah Khamenei, or maybe the Cuban president whose name I can’t remember. Obviously, it’s fine to target the leaders of countries we don’t like. What do you mean, you don’t like the US?

The US is a democracy that always respects international law when it’s not bombing other countries back to the stone age. This is why you are obliged to cry for its rapists, paedophiles, and war criminals. Anything less would make you a terrorist!

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

As millions of people (okay, just me) sobbed, those in attendance seemed strangely disinterested in offering CPR. Melania sat off to the side, filing her nails like she had seen this movie a million times. The boys’ eyes lit up as Ivanka whispered something about an “inheritance” and everyone else just gawped.

Why is the president not moving? someone whispered. Who is going to make our policy decisions now? The answer is the same people who were making them before, genius!

For 11 glorious, I mean excruciating minutes, the agony dragged on. I exchanged panicked glances with my fellow journalists because we weren’t sure whether to pretend this is normal presidential behaviour. I mean we’ve normalised everything else: paedophilia, war crimes, insider trading…

Tensions rose as JD Vance and Pete Hegseth debated whether to prepare an obituary or let Trump govern from the grave like Biden did. Then came the greatest moment since the resurrection of the Easter bunny. Trump’s eyes snapped open. I shrieked “Yes!” Melania audibly groaned and Ivanka muttered “for fuck’s sake.”

President Trump checked his ear for fake blood, straightened his tie, and then delivered the most historic resurrection speech in two millennia:

“I was dead. Totally dead. The best death anyone’s ever seen, believe me. They said, ‘Sir, he’s gone.’ But I looked at Death and said, ‘You’re fired. You’re a loser.’ And here I am.”

Trump’s spiritual adviser Paula White lost her mind, but to be fair, I think that was many years ago. “Just like Jesus!” she shrieked, checking Trump’s hands for stigmata. One megachurch pastor started live streaming and asking for donations to build the “Trump Empty Tomb Experience.”

Predictably, the party poopers at CNN got their fact checkers on the case, arguing Trump technically wasn’t dead. They brought on a “doctor” who said it was normal for men Trump’s age to nap during the day, and totally normal for barely sentient meat puppets to remain in politics until they drop. They pointed out Democrats do this all the time.

Trump slammed the fake news for undermining his accidental publicity stunt. He blamed Iranian Lego videos and the deep state for trying to cancel him. Within 45 minutes, Hasan Piker had been arrested for attempted murder. He is now being kept in ICE detention after Kash Patel personally found bullets in his hotel room, engraved with the words “Antifa” and “trans rights”. It was the next best thing to a smoking gun. Never mind that Trump wasn’t actually shot. It didn’t stop them last time!

It’s fair to say this was the closest escape since that time Trump faked an assassination attempt in Transylvania and got ketchup on his ear that has since regrown its cartilage. Just know that not even Jesus came back from the dead twice. This proves that Trump is the best saviour ever.

By 4pm, the president was holding a press conference where he unveiled new merchandise, including “I Died For Your Sins” t-shirts and “TRUMP 2028 – HE IS RISEN” bumper stickers. The president even announced he will add a new book to the Bible: The Gospel According to Mar-a-Lago.

“And lo, he tweeted from the tomb.”

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

The Iranians were not just winning the war, they were humiliating the president with their AI-generated Lego videos that were somehow making him look like an idiot. Trump therefore demanded the US up their AI game, and thankfully, the Department of War did just that.

In the most convincing move since the FBI revealed those transgender Antifa bullets that killed Charlie Kirk, an AI-slop account released pictures of eight highly convincing AI-generated women.

Not only were the women attractive enough to elicit sympathy from MAGA males who would never care about average Iranians, but the images were all headshots with black backgrounds. Even better, seven of the women were backlit like the stars in old TV movies.

The moment I saw these gorgeous women who look like models, I was filled with a desire to bomb Tehran back to the stone age… to liberate them. Just look at those plump lips and hair so lustrous it would make the morality police reconsider their stance on head scarves. These women deserve to have their bridges and power plants destroyed.

Understandably, Fox News was fooled by the super-convincing fakes and proudly led calls to save these beautiful women before it’s too late. The US-equivalent of Normal Island News reported that the women were sentenced to death for refusing to wear the virtual hijab and would be hanged on Monday.

President Trump was eager to step up to the plate so he bombed an Iranian prison, only for aides to remind him these women aren’t actually in prison.

Upon hearing this news, Trump was delighted to claim credit for securing the release of the women who never existed. He announced that Iran had agreed not to execute them out of respect for him and would release four immediately and another four in a month. He then asked if the women could be delivered to him, only for his aides to say, “Unfortunately not, sir, they’re not real, remember?”

Trump was instead presented with framed bikini-clad deepfakes to remind him of the most heroic rescue since he successfully retrieved those fictional pilots from Isfahan. This is what separates the freedom-loving West from the primitive Middle East: we value the lives of AI-generated women and they make hilarious Lego videos. Fucking savages.

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

Yesterday, Starmer was forced to defend his perfectly rational decision to hire the Prince of Darkness as ambassador to the US. Starmer had initially claimed ignorance, insisting he had no idea he was prime minister at the time of the appointment. Strangely, no one was buying his amnesia story, so he did what any true leader would do: he took full responsibility.

Starmer stood in parliament and made an apology to the victims of Epstein with all the enthusiasm of someone filing a late tax return. He insisted no one could have foreseen that Epstein’s best friend would fail security vetting.

When both sides of the chamber laughed, Starmer said it was “staggering” and “beggars belief” that no one told him Mandelson wouldn’t be allowed to be school caretaker, let alone ambassador. Diane Abbott questioned why he never bothered to ask if Mandelson had passed, but Starmer simply told Britain’s first black female MP to know her place.

Doing his best angry-but-disciplined face, Starmer vowed to punish the civil servant who made him repeatedly lie to the public about the Mandelson appointment. When Zarah Sultana called him a “bare-faced liar”, she was yelled at by the ever-dignified house speaker who came across like a supply teacher losing control of the classroom. Sultana was removed from the chamber and suspended for five days because accountability is important.

The Your Party MP disgracefully doubled down, telling reporters outside parliament, she had a duty to her constituents to tell the truth. A spokesperson for the prime minister later responded: “No one has the right to point out when the prime minister is lying. What does that woman think this is? A democracy?”

Starmer reassured the nation that he will continue the important job of looking the other way as our allies commit war crimes while doing nothing at home to benefit ordinary people. He is confident this will improve his polling numbers and help us avoid dangerous possibilities, such as leadership and hope.

Excitingly, Starmer aims to not resign as prime minister for at least the next three years. Let’s hope the upcoming local elections don’t throw a spanner in the works, eh?

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee

In a viral Twitter post, everyone’s favourite AI company unveiled its 22-point manifesto which reads like a digital Mein Kampf for Ketamine users who wear Patagonia vests.

The gist of the manifesto is: now that we’ve harvested enough data to blackmail every leader in the West, it’s time to move onto the next stage of our masterplan: hard power.

Palantir warns against “vacant and hollow pluralism” and calls for a new golden age of imperialism, I mean democracy. It argues that non-white countries are regressive and have not contributed to humanity, so naturally, we need to conquer them with weapons developed by Palantir.

You know those exciting AI systems that Israel uses to kill families in their homes, like The Gospel and Where’s Daddy? Imagine those systems installed into an army of killer robots that are based on the personality of Laura Loomer. I know, it’s my wet dream too!

Excitingly, Palantir has just unveiled its K-800 Democracy Enforcer—an AI-powered robot that, at present, is just a cuddly chrome endoskeleton, but future updates should include flesh harvested from Palestinian children. What did you think those Israeli skin banks were for?

According to the press release, the K-800 is designed to counter the “tyranny of the apps”, which means it will hunt down and eliminate TikTok influencers who step out of line. Its “regressive culture detection” sub-routine scans crowds and searches Palantir’s database for wrong-thinkers who whine about things like NHS data harvesting.

First time offenders will be offered the chance of re-education via an audio version of Alex Karp’s The Technological Republic, but it’s expected that many will simply opt for death.

Importantly, the K-800 is designed to go into the schools and hospitals of any oil-rich country in need of liberation. This should help avoid the bad optics of flattening the buildings with bombs. Instead, we will just “terminate” the inhabitants, unless they are willing to obey.

Anyone with the wrong skin colour or religion will be given a choice: “Come with me if you wanna live… in the rules-based international order”, which means slavery for all but the prettiest who will instead be joining the next Epstein Island (Cuba).

Alex Karp asked the K-800 to demonstrate its abilities on stage by executing the captured Greta Thunberg, but unfortunately, it was hacked by Iranians who made it perform a dance and then switched it off. It was a bit embarrassing if I’m honest, but a flustered Alex insisted this problem should be fixed in the next update, after which it will be impossible to override the machine’s decision-making software.

I’ve never watched a science-fiction movie, but I can’t see any way that letting Alex Karp have an army of killer robots could go wrong. We’re talking about a man so dedicated to his work, he can’t find the time to brush his hair, a man who has called for a return to national service and the re-militarisation of Germany and Japan. Clearly, he knows his history better than I know my science-fiction.

The Palantir CEO explained: “Silicon Valley owes America a moral debt. The K-800 is simply our way of paying it back.” Palantir stocks soared by 14% when news broke that society is heading into the most terrifying version of the future possible, short of nuclear annihilation. This isn’t going to end in nuclear annihilation, right? Right?

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

Buy Me a Coffee