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Here is a reading of my latest article for those who are too lazy to read and would rather listen to me rambling x

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I understand the pair had grown so close that Mr Yang was the only person to attend Prince Andrew’s birthday. Others were invited but politely declined, even though they had no plans. It’s unclear if a rape island was involved in this party, but lawyers for Jeffrey Epstein explained their client did not attend because he’s dead.

Interestingly, there is no evidence that Andrew’s only friend is a spy, but he is Chinese and we hate those now. In case you didn’t know, British figures are not allowed to associate with Chinese citizens in any context.

Sensibly, the establishment is using the least likeable member of the establishment to tarnish all Chinese people. The insinuation is that Chinese people must be bad because who would hang around with Andrew consensually?

China is understood to be livid at the suggestion that it’s normal for its people to hang around with Andrew and is considering suing for libel. A spokesperson for the CCP explained Mr Yang has been sent to a re-education camp and warned to never hang around with embarrassing British people again.

The manufactured scandal stems from a court case involving Mr Yang, in which he was not even alleged to have been a spy. Naturally, our calm and rational politicians are screaming that we’ve been infiltrated. Their concern is that Mr Yang could use his connections with the prince for leverage, but it’s unclear what Andrew could have done that’s more embarrassing than what we already know.

It’s unclear what use Andrew could even be to China, given that his family won’t trust him with babysitting duty, let alone state secrets. Nevertheless, Mr Yang has been permanently banned from the UK for being Chinese and befriending a nonce.

Worryingly, Mr Yang met with other embarrassing figures such as Lord Cameron (the one who had sex with a pig) and Theresa May (the one with the Bambi power stance). Frustratingly, there was no law that could ban Mr Yang from the UK so they used something called the Royal Prerogative, which is the same thing they used to pay off Virginia Giuffre.

I’m unclear if Mr Yang has been given a ski chalet in Switzerland, but I’m told Prince Andrew is definitely not allowed to have friends.

A palace spokesperson explained the royal family were “blindsided” by the revelations because they “didn’t think anyone would befriend Andrew in a million years”.

MPs are warning this is the tip of the iceberg and there are likely to be many more Chinese people befriending nonces in the UK. This poses the serious concern that our nonces could have their reputations harmed. As a result, several hundred prominent figures have gone strangely quiet until this all blows over x

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Elon Musk is confident that his purchase of the UK will go just as well as his purchase of Twitter which collapsed in value as everyone left for Bluesky and the bots took over. It wasn’t all bad though because Elon brought, um, Nazis back into fashion. You can imagine what he has planned for the UK…

As a stupidly rich oligarch, Musk was one of the biggest victims of the British oligarchy and therefore felt compelled to act. Yes, he doesn’t live in our country, and yes, he makes stupid amounts of money from us, but the problem is no one in the UK likes his tweets anymore. Even worse, the insensitive fuckers keep calling his app Twitter (apparently Twitter has a new name now).

Anyway, Musk has drafted a manifesto and I’m told it’s much better than Luigi Mangione’s manifesto. Musk has not published it yet, but I can exclusively reveal his three biggest policies:

1. ban Bluesky in the UK

2. force everyone to like at least one of his tweets everyday

3. jail everyone who calls Twitter Twitter

One thing we can agree on is this manifesto looks no worse than any of the manifestos from the last election. All Musk needs to do is add in some hatred of refugees and the establishment parties could find themselves checkmated.

I’m told Labour and the Tories are concerned that Musk is taking advantage of the fact they’re absolutely fucking awful. Obviously, it’s unfair for a political party to be funded by rich people - Labour and the Tories would never do that, would they?

I understand Labour considered the possibility of banning corporate donations to clean up politics, but they realised they would go bankrupt because they offloaded several hundred thousand members when they dumped Corbyn. Come to think of it, that wasn’t the smartest move, was it?

Starmer just can’t understand why everyone hates him when he’s been nobly committing genocide while breaking manifesto promises faster than you can say “WASPI women”. Surprisingly, Starmer is the least popular prime minister after five months in office since records began, even though he uses Brylcreem and wears Hugo Boss suits.

Apparently, it’s not enough to “look prime ministerial” anymore because the working class can barely afford to eat. Hungry people have had a government who starved them mockingly and a government who starved them respectably. Might as well have a government that starves them indifferently. Hungry people deserve to be sold to the highest bidder.

My favourite aspect of British democracy is how the super rich get to choose which candidates can and can’t win elections. Your vote is just a secondary thing after the shortlist has been chosen and the necessary moves have been made to reduce the likelihood of you making the wrong choice.

I understand Musk intends to buy the UK for $100 million which is just £78 million in real money. It’s remarkable how cheap it is for rich people to buy a country, isn’t it? Thank god we don’t have more stringent anti-corruption laws!

While it’s against the law for people to throw huge sums of money at politicians, corporations are thankfully allowed to give them as much as they want. This is because democracy means giving representation to corporations: the word literally means “corporate power”.

Sadly, Musk can’t buy the British Isles outright so he is planning a “hostile takeover” which amounts to the same thing. Twitter is going to pile his money into the party that’s led by Nigel Farage and the lucky bastard who married Flick from Neighbours. He knows that you lot are stupid enough to vote for whichever candidate has the richest backers (you voted for Boris, remember?) and Musk is richer than all of the people he stole his ideas from.

While we’re furious about a Chinese man interfering in our affairs by befriending our most prominent nonce, it’s obviously fine for Musk to buy the UK. How else would we get another prime minister no one wants?

Musk’s choice of CEO is so popular it only took him about 17 tries, and several parties, to become an MP. When he eventually won a seat in parliament, it was only because Starmer told his candidate to drop out because he didn’t like the optics of a black guy beating a fascist. This is because Starmer and Farage have the same voter base.

Farage is so convinced that immigrants are the source of our problems that on his first day in office he plans to deport his own wife. As a child of apartheid who moved to the US, Musk is equally opposed to immigration. It’s unclear if he will emigrate to the country he plans to purchase, or if he just wants to turn Britain into a slave island where you’re forced to build his exploding cars.

No one knows why Musk is so fond of the man who wants to ban milkshakes and give his businesses a massive tax cut. Musk could easily have chosen Kemi Badenoch to be his puppet, but he wasn’t keen on the Tories’ first black female leader for some reason. I’m guessing he has more in common with the leader of the BNP, I mean UKIP, I mean the Brexit Party, I mean the Reform Party.

Just know that a vote for the billionaire-backed Farage is the anti-establishment vote. The former City of London trader who wears a tweed jacket and has a picture of Margaret Thatcher on his wall is definitely looking out for the little man. You need him x

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article as much as I did, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x

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