Americans confirm Joe Biden and Donald Trump are the very best they've got
Americans confirm Joe Biden and Donald Trump are the very best they've got
They are the two finest individuals out of 1/3 billion people
The greatest nation on earth has confirmed two grouchy old men who took to the stage in a televised battle to be the figurehead of the uniparty for the next four years are easily the two most capable individuals in a country of 332 million.
It was the greatest rematch of all time, like another Ali vs Foreman or Kurt vs Tong Po, as the men wore hand wraps dipped in broken glass and adult diapers sponsored by AIPAC. The pair exchanged brutal blows throughout the debate, but unquestionably the biggest challenge they faced was reading from an autocue because they couldn’t hold their eyes open. And neither could anyone else.
These two prime specimens, whose rugged athleticism is matched only by their fierce intellects, are clearly the only choices to run the most powerful war machine the world has ever seen, which is why none of the other candidates were allowed onto the stage.
Just imagine if Jill Stein or RFK jr were allowed to talk about how corporations have completely fucked Americans over, and nothing ever changes, no matter which wing of the uniparty is in charge. Americans might start realising there are alternatives that don’t involve BlackRock and Vanguard owning everything, including their souls.
Democracy is when the establishment decides which two identical candidates you are allowed to choose from, and they will only narrow it down to the very best. This is why nothing ever goes wrong when the US elects a president.
Obviously, I want everyone to love me, so I would like to clarify that I love Donald Trump and Joe Biden as much as their donors do. I’m a real people pleaser and I’m confident that no matter who Americans choose, the 1% will continue to thrive.
The candidates, who are coincidentally funded by the same people, have dramatically different visions that include doing everything exactly the same and knowing they won’t live long enough to see the consequences.
If you couldn’t be bothered to watch the debate because you’re normal, here are the key policy differences:
Trump acts like the climate crisis doesn’t exist whereas Biden pretends he’s doing something about it. Trump would take away abortion rights whereas Biden would use abortion as a fundraising tool. Trump says he would go harder on genocide whereas Biden pretends he is pushing for peace. Trump grabs ‘em by the pussy whereas Biden sniffs hair. Both men prefer to talk about their golf swings and agree corporate greed is the fault of refugees at the border.
The Republicans feel they have a real statesman now because they’ve finally taught their man to stop farting and picking his nose in public. This means Trump is the underwhelming favourite to win and this is hugely exciting, given what a roaring success he was last time.
The Democrats were so enthused by their guy’s performance, they were left asking: “Is it too late to replace him?” but it was hardly Biden’s fault they scheduled the debate during nap time.
Sadly, the Democrats have decided it’s too late to replace Biden because Michelle Obama couldn’t be arsed to stand (and no one wants Hillary Clinton), so their strategy is to call you ageist if you point out sleepy Joe is not fit to run a convenience store, let alone a country. If you don’t vote Biden, you hate old people, you bastard!
Whoever wins in November, I’m more than confident they can take the world several steps closer to destruction by signing bills that energy companies and arms manufacturers put on their desk and pretending this counts as leadership. God Bless America x
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I did not realise Dumb and Dumber was a prophecy but now I understand...
The allegedly most advanced nation on earth - by trying to put Biden up as being mentally functional - again makes me laugh my schlong off.
No country on earth, including the most corrupt in Africa or Latin America, would have the gallish presence of mind of putting a blithering nitwit like Biden in front of the world's TV camera and still say he beat Trump.
This is how far gone the system is. How even a prepubescent child could observe Biden is simply bonkers, yet your country just sits by, posting horseshit on bulletin boards like substack.
What does it say about society?
What does it say about everything negative your nation has done to the world for the last 50 years.
About how many innocent souls have died at its grubby paws.
Where are your billionaire heroes such as Musk or Gates or Bezos or Fuckerberg - why can't they make a declaration?
Is there not one single soul who could stand in as a caretaker until the election?
Why is the most obvious thing still taboo?
Your society is juvenile and has locked in syndrome. It must be put down like a fatally wounded animal.
And it makes me doubt the competency of every single US administration and your government's policies since WW2.
Calling it shameful doesn't come within a light year of describing the de facto status quo.