Tory government demands an end to human rights

It's for your protection

You will be ecstatic to hear the moderate faction of the “Let’s Drown Refugees” party wants to have another referendum! Isn’t this exciting? This referendum would be to leave the European Convention on Human Rights so we finally have enough sovereignty to “stop the small boats”. Sadly, we never got sovereignty from Brexit because no one bothered to check how Brexit works before having a toddler tantrum until we got it. However, the important thing is we can finally stop the small boats which are definitely the cause of all your problems, such as the government abolishing dentists.

I can confirm this thing really is about “small boats” in the same way Brexit was about bendy bananas (and not tax avoidance). The ERG assures us leaving the ECHR would go as well as the last time we voted leave, so if they promise £350 million a week for lingerie manufacturing and sunlit sewage deposits in your back garden, they are definitely telling the truth. Tories always deliver on their promises.

The calls for a referendum come after the Rwanda scheme was thwarted by Article 3 of the ECHR which protects refugees (and you) from torture, inhuman and degrading treatment. Please understand you must give up your protections from torture to ensure refugees can be adequately tortured. Rest assured, Suella Braverman has no plans to send you to her dungeon unless you’re a massive leftie.

Among the many problems the Tories desperately need to solve is fire safety regulations for refugee accommodation. At present, fire safety regulations are the only thing standing between us and another Grenfell - and Suella Braverman desperately needs human screams to replenish her demonic energy.

Firefighters recently warned “the UK Government is cutting back fire safety risk assessments for accommodation used to house asylum seekers. This policy could have tragic consequences with the loss of life and injury.”

A spokesperson for the government replied: “Fingers crossed.”

Hopefully, we can dupe you into leaving the ECHR, and further down the line, find a way to leave international law, demolish the courts, jail the judges, abolish all pretence of UK law, and have our rights and freedoms decided on a whim, depending on whether Suella Braverman has had her Weetabix that morning.

We can but hope.

Clearly, the ECHR is being hugely unfair on you, the British taxpayer. Among other things, it gives you the right to life (as in not death), the right to a fair trial, the right to privacy, freedom of expression, freedom of religion, and even protection from slavery (that one has to go).

The ECHR is not all bad though. The government is using Article 8 protections to stop the release of unredacted Whatsapps to the Covid Inquiry.

Please let me explain: Article 3 is bad, but Article 8 is good because it’s protecting the panel from the horror of Michael Gove’s dick pics… but hold on, that would come under freedom from torture, which is Article 3. I’m so confused.

Anyways, the government wrote to the High Court, arguing: “Article 8 … prohibits unnecessary or disproportionate intrusion into an individual’s private and family life. The protection of personal data is of fundamental importance to the right under article 8.”

I understand the Tories are urgently looking at keeping ECHR protections for themselves while taking them away from everyone else, perhaps by setting up an ECTR (European Convention on Tory Rights). This would be a fair compromise.

Everyone agrees Tories should be protected from unnecessary intrusion into their private lives (and the return of the guillotine). At the same time, the DWP should know every detail of your sex life when you’re applying for Universal Credit and MI5 should be able to access your webcam whenever they decide one of your tweets is suspicious. Let’s abolish your human rights, it’s for your protection x

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