US state department confirms it's bad to bomb hospitals when Russia does it

But it's fine when our friends do it many times over

Three days ago, the world rightly responded with outrage when a rocket struck a hospital in Kyiv, tragically killing two civilians, including a doctor. This unforgiveable act of terror came after we’d spent nine months establishing the precedent that hospitals are legitimate military targets. There is absolutely no contradiction in our position.

The Ukraine war is so brutal that 600 beautiful and innocent children have lost their lives since it started two and a half years ago. Israel kills that number of children every six or seven days in Gaza, but we’ve decided that doesn’t count. Just don’t ask me why because even I can’t answer that one.

All I know is that “no one can remain silent” when Putin does it, but it’s “complicated” when Netanyahu does it many times over. Just know that if you point out our hypocrisy, or even mention the IDF has filled mass graves outside hospitals, we’ll attack you for “comparing tragedies” and pretend you’re the bad one! Thankfully, gullible people will fall for this argument.

All of the sensible countries have immediately condemned Russia and called the hospital bombing one of the great acts of evil of our time because we are nothing if not consistent. This act of evil was so grave it meant that you had to get ready to fight World War III! That’s how evil it was.

Sadly, things got awkward when analysts suggested a misfired Ukrainian rocket could have struck the hospital and we did not know what was going on. Obviously, we were never going to admit to jumping the gun so the whole tragedy temporarily became no big deal. Just like it was no big deal when Israel bombed 37 hospitals after pretending the underground Hamas megabase had teleported under them. The whole mess has left warmongers in disarray.

We’re now praying the evidence confirms it was Putin who bombed the Kyiv hospital so we don’t look fucking stupid, and instead just look like hypocrites. Hypocrisy can always be buried under propaganda, but stupidity is much harder to explain away. If people realise we’re all stupid, my job becomes impossible!

I don’t think people appreciate how difficult life is getting for warmongers and their propagandists. Every time Russia does something bad, we have to figure out a way to condemn it without you noticing Israel has done it many times over with our full support. Every time we criticise Putin, we risk incriminating Netanyahu.

Please spare a thought for the many good warmongers because you’ve no idea what they’re going through, right now. If you’re thinking of starting a war, you are now facing a moral dilemma: is it okay to target hospitals with your missiles, or is this still considered a “war crime”? Thankfully, the US state department has come to the rescue and issued the following check list for legal clarity:

• Is your target hospital in one of the countries we’ve designated evil?

• Would the victims be mostly Muslims and/or people of colour?

• Have you pretended there is a tunnel beneath the hospital, or some sort of military presence?

• Are you called Israel rather than Russia?

If you can check all these boxes, or if you’re American, the US has decided you are compliant with international law, regardless of what the International Criminal Court says. You are therefore free to call yourself “the world’s most moral army”. However, if you cannot check all these boxes and a rocket strikes a hospital, we will announce you are the new Satan before we’ve established what took place.

World leaders will stand together on stage to denounce you and former leaders will write articles about how you can and will be prosecuted for war crimes for doing 1/37th of what Netanyahu has done with our bombs. We must be fair and consistent when it comes to such serious matters because anyone who treated them cartoonishly would be an idiot, wouldn’t they? x

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