World War III is going to be brilliant actually

Let's blissfully disregard the potential consequences...

In a riveting speech yesterday, our least popular prime minister since Liz Truss might have saved his political career… I mean neoliberalism… I mean freedom and democracy…

Sir Keir Starmer stood in front of Downing Street and proudly announced his World War III plans… I mean peace plans to rapturous applause. The prime minister truly rose to the occasion, looking statesman-like by wearing a suit while saying he takes nuking millions of humans very seriously.

This could so easily have been an awkward announcement because Trump had left Starmer in a difficult position by dropping support for Ukraine to focus on his favourite conflict: the Gaza genocide. This was not for any moral reason, it’s just the US is short of bombs and Trump is prioritising his resources to respect the wishes of his donors.

Worryingly, Trump pretended to give a shit about peace in Ukraine which meant Starmer had to also pretend to have a conscience. The prime minister had no choice but to feign interest in peace, but the very thought of peace made his skin crawl. He could not even hide his disgust at the idea.

The world is incredibly screwed when you can express support for starvation in Gaza, and send weapons into a genocide, but you get flack for supporting a morally ambiguous conflict in Ukraine, isn’t it?

Thankfully, Starmer’s advisors came up with a brilliant strategy: mumble something about peace then invoke the Iraq war and talk about non-peaceful things so you look like a statesman. This is exactly what Starmer did and it made all the male journalists around me positively aroused. I swear Jon Sopel ejaculated at one point, but nobody judged him.

Starmer took the moral and intellectual high ground by doing his best George Bush jr impression and talking of a “coalition of the willing”. Just don’t mention the last time we did one of those it was in strict violation of international law and over a million people died.

Starmer pledged boots on the ground and planes in the air, even though his own military chiefs told him he doesn’t have enough boots to put on the ground or planes to put in the air! What matters is Starmer got to look tough and compensate for his domestic failings.

I’m no expert on the military, or any subject for that matter, but I know one of Putin’s key objections was the West building a military presence in Ukraine. Therefore, Russia will not be able to resist shooting at our troops and we can then say we are fighting a war of self-defence. Putting our troops in harm’s way is tactical genius!

Let's ignore that Putin’s weapons production capacity is five times greater than all of NATO’s combined, and he has Oreshniks. We wouldn’t want our soldiers having second thoughts, would we? I mean war is Starmer’s only hope of boosting his poll numbers and it would be deeply unfair if he missed the opportunity to be our next Churchill. You remember the dog? He was sadly euthanised by Kim Leadbetter.

Don’t worry, Starmer insisted we’re only going to fight Russia with US support, so please disregard that the US won’t be providing support. That’s an insignificant detail that should have no bearing on anything.

Outrageously, Nigel Farage asked Starmer in parliament how many troops he will be deploying in Ukraine, given that we are woefully short on manpower. Thankfully, Starmer evaded the question by saying, “Shut up you Putin-loving commie idiot!” Farage was deeply insulted by this outburst because neither of these men know what commie means.

Our woefully underfunded military doesn’t have much of anything. Even our Trident missiles can’t fire straight, and they can’t fire at all without the help of the US. Good luck trying to get Trump to help with that! We have the world’s worst nuclear deterrent and we can’t blame budget cuts because we used the money allocated for hungry school kids, homeless and disabled people. Trident is where our budget went!

Anyways, how are your sparrow hunting skills? Because you sure as hell won’t be getting any war rations in this time of ruthless austerity. Rations will be seen as another state handout for Rachel Reeves to cut so she looks tough in front of her donors. If you want food, you will have to volunteer for the front line, okay grandma?

Just be assured that when you reach the front line, we don’t have any spare guns. You will therefore be expected to bring your own weapon to Ukraine. A bit of old gardening equipment should do the job, maybe a rake. And something sharp for your least favourite limb because you’re gonna be sawing it off in the trenches and crawling away with a bloody stump. Good luck!

Obviously, we are gonna keep the war going for as long as possible and help Ukraine reclaim all of its land, but if you suggest doing the same for Palestine, you are a terrible person! I mean what kind of lunatic would fight for brown people?

All I know is we can’t let a madman take all of the land around him in a genocidal rampage, unless his name is Benjamin Netanyahu. Everyone knows the correct thing to do is wage war against countries that illegally invade white countries. Thankfully, we in the West are not continuously illegally invading any countries.

We have the highest of moral high grounds and we have no choice but to fight another forever war. The worry is that if we agree to peace, there might later be war, so we should have war without trying peace because this is the only way to achieve peace. This is the most coherent argument any of us could think of yesterday and the average salary at the conference was £450,000!

We just know we want war and I’m not sure the words matter as long as we’re all saying exactly the same thing on your TV screens and ensuring there is no room for dissenting opinions. I think it’s extremely important we don’t consider any of the consequences of a world war.

If you’re a middle-class parent of fighting age children, aged 16 to 60, male or female, just tell yourself working class lads will be doing all the dying. Hopefully, we can remove affluent post codes from the system so only council estate riffraff are sent to their deaths. Only the people who don’t matter should die in this war, and I’m sure you will agree that I certainly do matter.

I, as a mainstream journalist, have convinced myself that I am immune to all types of radiation. I have no science to back this up, but I’m happy to remain in denial of the reality of the thing I’m cheering for. I’m under no illusions that you lot are fucked though.

Get ready for your septum to fall off when you pick your nose! Get ready for your lips to come off when you cough! Before you know it, you’re gonna be looking like a ghoul from Fallout whereas I shall be looking as pretty as ever, and that is all that matters x

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