2023 was the greatest year on record for heartless sociopaths

and here is the proof...

Normal Island News has awarded itself the title of “Best News Source of the Year” after hitting an impressive accuracy rating of 41% in its reporting (which is 3% higher than the BBC and 46% higher than The S*n). Therefore, I thought it would a brilliant idea to recap the outstanding reporting that has led to this prestigious award.

2023 was unquestionably the greatest year on record for heartless sociopaths and brainwashed idiots. For evidence, we need only look across the Mediterranean towards the sound of screams and see rockets streaking over a tiny strip of land as dust fills the sky and city blocks collapse into rubble, burying tens of thousands of civilians in revenge for a crime they never committed as our politicians proudly watch on and say: “Wow, we did that!”

No one thought 2023 could possibly top 2022, the year the Chinese call “the year of the Truss” in honour of the queen killer with the polonium handshake who changed our country forever after the greatest six weeks of leadership we’ve ever seen. But somehow 2023 was even more successful.

Lots happened in 2023, and I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just begin at the beginning. Please don’t expect me to maintain chronological order because I’m hopelessly disorganised and far too lazy to double-check these things.

January 2023

The year got off to a fantastic start when everyone’s second favourite fake tan enthusiast, Richard Madeley, turned his attention to NHS workers who were striking during the winter crisis.

Richard was certain the winter crisis was caused by NHS workers who were expected to work one day a week for free after a decade of real-terms pay cuts. Obviously, there had never been a winter crisis before the strikes (apart from every other year the Tories had been in charge).

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, who is so safety conscious he doesn’t wear a seatbelt, had refused to say whether he uses the NHS, presumably because those waiting times would be a step too far, even for the man who dices with death at the wheel of a car.

Richard suggested it’s unfair to expect Rishi to visit his local hospital and sit on the floor for 6 or 7 hours, surrounded by screaming kids before he is finally allowed to see a doctor. This is because Rishi should not suffer the consequences of the damage his party has done to the NHS, you should.

Other highlights from January include Nadhim Zahawi not going to jail for his unique tax arrangements that led to him repaying millions to HMRC. This is because Nadhim is a Tory and not a benefits recipient from a council estate who hasn’t eaten for three days.

After reports of corruption, such as Boris Johnson getting a dodgy £800,000 loan (that he presumably spent on prostitutes and birthday cake), and Matt Hancock offering to flog your personal data to a US health firm, the prime minister was warned that he would need to tackle the corruption. Fortunately, Rishi explained that if he tackled corruption, he would have no government left.

February 2023

It was revealed the UK was the only major economy set to shrink in 2023 after it lost £100 billion a year and food prices rose by 16.7%. Brilliantly, the UK decided to impose tougher sanctions on itself than it did on Russia, but to be fair, this is because most Tory donors are Russian and they didn’t want to bite the hand that feeds them.

Also, there was the time Putin said he could take Boris out with a missile, but he doesn’t want to, and every lefty in the UK said: “Why the fuck not?” Presumably, Rishi was afraid Putin might give lefties their wish.

When it was revealed the Tories were on track to win just 12 seats at the next election, due to their incompetence and corruption, the government did the only thing it could to rectify the situation: it planned to rig the outcome of the next election with voter ID laws.

Sadly, the Tories are so far behind in the polls, even cheating won’t be enough, meaning they are in desperate need of a hero. Millions are praying for the return of Liz Truss...

March 2023

In March, the Privileges Committee decided my ex had misled parliament, just because they had photographs and videos and WhatsApps and emails and confessions about the karaokes, rap battles, dance offs, quizzes, birthday parties and leaving dos during lockdown. Fucking conspiracy theorists.

The allegation of deception obviously wasn’t true because I’m old enough to remember when Dawn Butler was bollocked by the Commons Speaker for calling Johnson a liar and ordered to leave parliament. Our political system would never take the word of a dishonest white man over an honest black woman, would it?

Other highlights from March include: the police telling women to avoid tempting men to become rapists and murderers; tenants across the country feeling distraught when buy-to-let landlords found themselves in financial trouble; living standards falling by the largest amount ever; and the prime minister vowing to jail mothers who steal baby formula.

April 2023

Joe Biden said he wouldn’t attend the coronation of the bloke called Charles because Camilla is annoying, plus, he hates the monarchy because of his Irish roots. Even worse, teenage girls had to stay away from the party because Prince Andrew is not allowed within 300 metres of them.

As we eagerly awaited the coronation, Wessex Water solved the sewage problem by telling us to keep our mouths shut while swimming; Jesus rose from the dead to tell Jacob Rees-Mogg he is a massive knob; and Twitter applied the “government-funded media” label to the BBC, causing outrage because it only counts as state propaganda when Russia does it.

In another example of their impressive planning skills, the government came up with the brilliant idea of a prison ship for refugees that was much more expensive than not using a prison ship, but sadly, it was closed down on day one for Legionnaire’s disease.

To make matters worse, Dominic Raab resigned as deputy prime minister when the woke mob objected to him being a bullying bastard who made his staff cry in meetings by humiliating them for no reason.

To lift spirits, it was announced the public would be asked to swear allegiance to the bloke called Charles during his massive party to celebrate the long-awaited death of his mother. Unfortunately, this idea was scrapped when the public told him to fuck off.

May 2023

May was the month we finally gave up on democracy and pre-emptively arrested protesters from Republic. Even the possibility they could undermine the king was a step too far during this period of enforced celebration.

The bloke called Charles was given his first job at the age of 74, proving conclusively that we should never write off the long-term unemployed. We spent £250 million celebrating his moment because we had nothing better to spend money on during a cost of living crisis.

Charles was so excited for his big day, he dressed up in an amazing fancy dress costume after looting several continents to find items with the best possible stats, including staffs enchanted with stolen gems and a cloak with maximum tax resistance.

When the magic hat was placed on Charles’ head, he was given 30 palaces and 1,100 servants to make his work days easier, something we are not planning for other people when they get their first job.

June 2023

The government went to war with itself over the Covid Inquiry after some idiot magically un-lost the Boris Johnson diaries, making the cover up that much harder.

Shortly after, Boris complained that he was unfairly forced out of his job by facts and evidence. Thankfully, he was still able to honour his cronies and give them jobs for life in the House of Lords.

Johnson honoured a bunch of people we’d never heard of, including his 29-year-old assistant, presumably as a thank you for putting up with the sexual harassment.

Nadine Dorries was absolutely livid that she wasn’t included on the list after dedicating her life to humiliating herself in defence of the man who never really loved her. Life can be so cruel.

July 2023

The bloke called Charles had his second fancy dress party of the year, this one in Scotland where the “English c**t” was told to “fuck off back to where you came from” like he was an illegal immigrant.

Meanwhile, the government demanded an end to human rights because Suella Braverman wasn’t allowed to set the Royal Navy onto refugee dinghies and blow them out the water like a game of Battleship.

On a positive note, Rishi sensibly decided to issue 100 drilling licences for oil and gas to help us achieve not-zero, and to think, people accuse the Tories of not taking their environmental commitments seriously.

The Tories furiously insisted they would starve more children than Labour by keeping the two-child welfare cap and they decided to increase the king’s Universal Credit payments by 45% to alleviate his in-work poverty. This is because Charles was struggling with his energy bills at a time when British Gas reported an 889% increase in profits.

Across the pond, Donald Trump got in trouble with the law, just because he stole nuclear secrets, and a 40-year-old man from Lilliput called Ben Shapiro got so angry at the Barbie movie, he recorded a series of videos to vent his frustrations. Needless to say, it was not the Barbie movie Ben was hoping for.

While everyone got excited about the Huw Edwards wanking scandal, Boris Johnson was in contempt of court by refusing to give his phone to the Covid Inquiry. His excuse was that he couldn’t remember the passcode and was using a tech expert (Nadine Dorries) to help him figure out how to switch the phone on safely.

The month of July was spectacularly capped off when a CIA whistleblower confirmed Earth is being visited by aliens who have presumably infiltrated our political system because what else could explain Johnson, Trump, Biden and Starmer?

August 2023

Thérèse Coffey ordered the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs to break ties with Greenpeace because she understands the environment much better than Greenpeace does. Things went so well under Coffey’s stewardship that a location in North Yorkshire was named “sewage falls” due to the sparkling brown cascades that attracted tourists from across the UK.

Scotland Yard dropped its cash-for-honours investigation after concluding it was perfectly fine for a Saudi billionaire to bribe the king with a suitcase of cash so he could get a prestigious title. To prove he was accountable for his mistakes, Charles blamed one of his servants and promptly sacked him.

Rishi took inspiration from Russia and Belarus and announced his plan to leave the European Convention on Human Rights. This came the same month one of Putin’s close friends called Yevgeny Prigozhin sadly died when his aeroplane fell out of the sky.

In an outrageous snub, nominees decided they were too embarrassed to accept peerages from Liz Truss in her resignation honours list, and it was revealed Nadine Dorries was getting paid £84k for doing fuck all, after going on an 18-month bender and still picking up a salary because there was no mechanism to sack her.

September 2023

Schools across the UK started falling apart because they’re made from RAAC (paper mache), but the government said it couldn’t fix them because it spent all our money on Charles’ parties. Pupils were advised to go to school wearing hard hats just in case.

Theresa May broke the universe by declaring she is “woke and proud”, horrifying people on both the left and right and plunging the entire political spectrum into an existential crisis.

Suella Braverman declared that women and gay people don’t count as real refugees and that being fearful of discrimination in their own country shouldn’t qualify them for asylum, just because they might get stoned to death or thrown off rooftops.

The Metropolitan Police paid compensation to two women, despite investigating and finding themselves not guilty of assaulting the women and violating their rights at a candle-lit vigil for another woman who was murdered by a police officer.

Later in the month, police officers handed in their guns, due to concerns they can’t shoot anyone they want to, after the officers who shot and killed Chris Kaba were charged with murder.

Thankfully, the mood of the nation improved when Rupert Murdoch retired at 1,006 years of age, sparking hopes we only have to put up with Jacob Rees-Mogg for another 300 years or so.

October 2023

October was the greatest year on record because we discovered the government who starve disabled people and drown refugees are even more evil than we thought they were. This is because they gave unequivocal support to the genocide that is playing out live on social media.

Even better, the police decided it would be a brilliant idea to arrest opponents of genocide and treat them as terrorists, proving once again the UK is always on the right side of history.

Thankfully, our government gave political cover to the genocidal regime by backing Israel’s stories, such as the first hospital they bombed was actually struck by a meteorite. Our government is deeply concerned about fake news and this is why they want to censor the people who dispute the meteorite story.

For a while, they were concerned that calls for a ceasefire could benefit Palestinian children, but they are now kind of, but not really, supportive of a ceasefire after legal experts warned that cheerleading for genocide could be considered a war crime.

November 2023

The month of November was basically more genocide and predictable outrage when Gary Lineker called for peace, even though we were pretending to also want peace. Please don’t expect us to make sense.

In the sprit of not making sense, the man with the £3 million hat lectured poor people about the cost of living; Suella Braverman decided to steal tents from the homeless; Twitter banned phrases that upset colonisers by calling for freedom for the colonised; and Rishi asked Suella if he can have permission to sack her.

Miraculously, Suella allowed Rishi to sack her for writing a Times article without permission. She didn’t even demand her job back two weeks later like she normally does. Hopefully, this means she is plotting something bigger and has decided to lead the Tories into the next general election. Argentina has a far-right nutter who is crushing unions so I don’t see why we can’t have the same.

The government announced exciting plans to bully disable people into working from home, although it was forced to put its child labour plans on hold. Fucking moderates.

Rishi almost declared war on Greece when they asked for the priceless historical artefacts we stole from them back. The British Museum was forced to issue a statement explaining that if it gave everything it had stolen back to the country it stole it from it would have nothing left.

November ended on a sad note when America’s most successful war criminal died aged 100, joining his political allies in hell. American hero Kissinger racked up a body count of millions during his glittering career, making Benjamin Netanyahu look like an amateur. No wonder Kissinger was adored by bloodthirsty imperialists like Tony Blair and George Bush jr.

December 2023

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, this is getting longer than I had anticipated and I can’t be arsed to finish, so I’m just going to rush through December.

Labour hired Margaret Thatcher as chief adviser; Israel condemned Palestinians for standing under its bombs; the BBC dehumanised poet Refaat Alareer who was murdered by Israel; William and Catherine bravely entered a food bank to meet peasants; Piers Morgan was humiliated by the high court who said there was “no doubt” he knew about phone hacking; Michelle Mone appeared on my show and convinced everyone she was innocent of the PPE scam; Prince Andrew was cured of his inability to sweat when a US court decided to release the Epstein documents; Santa was arrested for drunk driving (flying?) on Christmas Eve; posh men in fancy dress got aroused by disembowelled foxes on Boxing Day; the alternative to the king’s speech was delivered by a friend of the king; and South Africa launched genocide proceedings against Israel, just because they committed genocide on camera and admitted to their genocidal intentions on camera x

---

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x