2026: the year the World Economic Forum admitted that every conspiracy theory is real...

I expect you are distraught this year’s World Economic Forum has come to an end, and once again, you missed out because you didn’t get an invitation. Luckily, you can stop crying because I was a special guest, just like I am every year, and I’m more than happy to give you the lowdown!

Here is everything you need to know from Davos 2026, just don’t expect it to be in chronological (or even logical) order because I was high the whole time. Okay, I wasn’t actually high, but you’re gonna think I was because 2026 was the year the WEF finally admitted that every conspiracy theory is real. Yes, all of them! Buckle up because this is gonna be a wild ride…

It all started when the world’s super villains, I mean business leaders left their volcanic lairs, and the galaxy’s heads of state put on their best human costumes, and they all headed for Davos, Switzerland. There they were joined by Earth’s most embarrassing humans who were unaware the friendly prostitutes who greeted them have hidden recording devices. The US president was caught on hot mic saying, “reminds him of how I met Melania…”

It’s fair to say President Trump was a non-stop highlight reel at Davos because he delivered a masterclass in saying the quiet part loud. Things got off to a great start when he told the confused Swiss crowd they would all be speaking German were it not for the US. Every Swiss person in attendance scratched their heads and asked, “What language does he think we’re speaking now?” Every German just gawped.

Trump argued that because the US took credit for Russia winning World War II, he has the right to start any war he wants. Excitingly, he hinted the leader he wants to coup next is not Ayatollah Khamenei but Emmanuel Macron. This is thought to be an attempt to win back Candace Owens who is still mad about what the FBI did to Charlie Kirk…

Trump spoke of building skyscrapers in Gaza, regardless of whether Palestinians want skyscrapers in Gaza, and he even mentioned the possibility of a seaside resort in Greenland because no one told him how cold it is. Controversially, he banned BlackRock from these discussions which confused everyone who thought BlackRock runs the world. It remains unclear who is getting the rebuilding contracts now…

You might have been under the impression the WEF is united by a mutual hatred of humanity, but there are factions among these cold-blooded weirdos. There are also factions among the reptilians…

At one dinner meeting, US trade minister Howard Lutnick was booed while discussing tariffs. Christine Lagarde walked out because she was concerned the operating costs of exploding slave collars could skyrocket if the US doesn’t see sense.

Davos was divided between those who want to enslave all of humanity and those who are smart enough to realise that would include them. There were fierce rows over things like digital currencies and digital IDs. It was awkward because only conspiracy theorists are concerned about these things, but many of the attendees admitted the conspiracy theorists are right.

If that wasn’t bad enough, one journalist confirmed the biggest conspiracy theory of all is real: chem trails! Yes, they admitted on camera that the US government is trying to geoengineer the planet and this is a great investment opportunity. I honestly don’t know how to report on this without dying of embarrassment!

Next, they’ll be admitting the world is flat. Oh, god, it is flat, isn’t it? … Actually, don’t answer that. I’d rather live in denial and burn flat-earthers at the stake to maintain my comforting science-based illusion.

Just when I thought we’d reached the end of the conspiracy theories, the Canadian Prime Minister admitted the rules-based order has always been a lie to subjugate weaker nations.

Mark Carney says he went along with that lie because it gave Canada prosperity and security, but now that Trump is talking of stealing Canada, right after he has stolen Greenland (and possibly the moon), Carney doesn’t want to play this game any more. Truly, he is a man of principle.

Carney thinks the old way of doing things is dead, but 867-year-old corpse-in-a-suit Klaus Schwab is still keen on the merger of state and corporate power. Since I’m a corporate journalist, I’m not gonna mention the name for the merger of state and corporate power. I would rather drown you in a confusing word salad until we can pin you down and microchip you.

The genius of Schwab lies in trying to appeal to the left and right by dressing up corporate power grabs as “environmentalism”. Only problem is this approach appeals to neither the left nor right. Only a handful of centrists who instinctively trust anything in a suit are still going along with this charade.

Heartbreakingly, Schwab is stepping down as WEF leader, due to a shortage of the virgin blood needed to sustain him. I can’t believe he never got to fulfil his goal of “digitising humans” during his tenure as Worst Person on the Planet. Fortunately, there are many others ready and willing to fill his shoes.

One candidate is Ursula Von Der Loyen who is blissfully unperturbed by the fact everyone fucking hates her. She spelled out her vision of a technocratic order, but whether she can stop obsessing about war long enough to fulfil it is another matter. I’ve never seen anyone talk so enthusiastically of disaster capitalism and how economic collapse could usher in a new Europe. She even spoke of how everything is up for grabs in the “new world order”. Now you understand why Europe is going through a self-inflicted economic crisis…

If you are keen on corporate power grabs, you will agree the most exciting topic at Davos was brain manipulation! Neurotechnology and brain-computer interfaces are all the rage among billionaire psychopaths. The attendees eagerly discussed the most ethical way to force you to be microchipped like a pet fucking dog. Sorry, that’s a bad analogy because people are nice to their dogs…

Experts discussed reading and writing your mind like it’s a computer program. The audience broke into applause when one guy spoke of implanting pain, presumably in people who express the wrong opinions on social media. This would be the most ethical form of torture because it wouldn’t involve physical injury. Isn’t technology amazing?

As you can imagine, Elon Musk was enthusiastic about brain manipulation and carefully prepared his sales pitch. He spoke of Neuralink turning you into superhumans with technology as safe and reliable as his exploding cars and exploding spaceships. Who wants to be Elon’s first volunteer?

The brilliance of the WEF’s mind control plan is that they openly discussed it, and like all WEF plans, it’s so ridiculous, no one will believe it! Anyone who discusses this will be dismissed as a “conspiracy theorist” while their friends refuse to even watch the fucking video!

The WEF’s masterplan from the beginning has been to hide in broad daylight, to be so absurd that people couldn’t possibly think it is real. No self-respecting human would admit to themselves they are ruled over by cartoon villains.

Sadly, the plan is not working because you don’t need to be a conspiracy theorist to realise that everything is getting worse…

A baffled Larry Fink made a speech lamenting that no one trusts the ruling elite anymore and then he went on to discuss how AI could entrench inequality. He also spoke of using BlockChain to track every purchase you make and every item you own and every penny you have. Isn’t that lovely?

Just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get more ridiculous, Elon Musk told Fink that he is an alien from the future. The actual aliens in the audience heckled him. One told me that no self-respecting reptilian would wear a costume as ridiculous as Elon Musk. However, Musk shrugged off the embarrassment and discussed his plans to bring humanoid robots to the mass market. He spoke of meeting all human needs, conjuring up images of sex-bots to the delight of his incel fans…

Fink suggested with a glint in his eye that humanoids might actually remove the need for humans… which was definitely not the most ominous statement ever…

As you can see, all of this mass surveillance and mind control and artificial intelligence can only lead the world to a good place. As someone who has never seen a science-fiction movie, I cannot think of one possible way this might go wrong…

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