40-year-old man furious at Barbie movie

He has posted the most important YouTube rant of the year

Now you might think the biggest problem our world faces is the climate crisis that has set southern Europe on fire, or possibly the dreadful conflict in Ukraine that leaves us one button push away from nuclear annihilation. You might even think it’s Nadine Dorries’ drinking habit, but you would be wrong. The biggest problem facing the world right now is that someone made a movie about Barbie dolls.

Thankfully, a hero has stepped forward and put out a two-hour long video (which is longer than the movie itself), explaining why he is uncontrollably angry about a kids’ movie.

I, for one, am extremely grateful a middle-aged man had nothing better to do with his time than rant about Barbie dolls. He has exposed things about the biggest-grossing movie of the year that we would otherwise never have known. This is because only he has the critical faculties to see what’s going on here.

In order to understand the movie in such extraordinary depth, the middle-aged man watched Barbie more than anyone else, sitting in a cinema for three days, wearing an adult diaper so he didn’t miss a second, watching the movie over and over again, furiously looking for anything he considers “woke” and scribbling in a notepad. Obviously, this is totally normal behaviour and the kids who didn’t want to sit next to him were being weird.

The man, who sat in the front row because he is only 12 inches tall (and feels threatened by the imposing stature of Ken dolls), courageously yelled out every time a woke part was coming up so parents could cover their children’s ears.

Honestly, we need someone like him in every cinema because scientists (not woke ones, the ones on Youtube with no qualifications) have confirmed the movie has turned at least 1,400 children transgender. Even worse, young boys now think it’s okay to wear pink and smile.

In order to highlight the truth to the largest possible audience, the man posted pictures on Instagram of himself standing next to Barbie posters. It’s extremely important that his followers know how much he disapproves of Barbie because this is the only human interaction he gets.

Sadly, the man was arrested after police realised he is banned from coming within 500 yards of women and children. The idiot incriminated himself for a few social media likes, but thankfully, he escaped by squeezing through his cell bars. It’s just as well because the world needs to hear his gerbil voice.

In his explosive YouTube video, he repeats himself over and over again, carefully deconstructing the Barbie plot with the kind of intellectual analysis and moral insight you won’t find anywhere else.

The man was particularly enraged the Barbie movie suggests there is such thing as “patriarchy”. My husband has allowed me to explain patriarchy means that men are in charge of everything, apart from the TV remote control.

The middle-aged man explained stupid women should stop writing movies about Barbie dolls that don’t appeal to middle-aged men. Obviously, the next Barbie movie should cater for the 40-year-old incel audience, otherwise what would be the point?

I’m told the man sought counselling because he was so distraught that the movie’s plot made no sense. He was dismayed he didn’t find jokes for seven-year-old girls, such as Barbie’s house having no running water, funny. I truly feel his pain. I watch Paw Patrol with my two-year-old every day and it’s not made me fucking laugh once. Don’t even get me started on Mr Tumble.

The man courageously pointed out the movie is part of a Chinese communist plot and contains subversive messages such as: “Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything.” Obviously, this is the kind of inappropriate message girls need to be protected from.

If you thought the feminism was bad, the movie even hints gay people might exist. Thankfully, it doesn’t state this outright because that would be a bit much, but the fact the men are camp is highly disturbing. As everyone knows, Ken dolls are not remotely camp and we’ve never seen flamboyant male characters in children’s entertainment before now. This is definitely a world first.

Worryingly, I’ve heard rumours a rainbow appears in Barbie Land, but I could not substantiate this because I refuse to watch the movie to protect myself from the idea women can be anything they want.

The middle-aged man was troubled the movie exaggerates things that happen in the real world for comedic effect and to drive home broader political points. I understand lefties call this technique “satire”. Personally, I think satire should be banned; it just sounds too confusing.

The man was appalled that Barbie suffers from existential angst and explained it’s inappropriate to take the subject of children’s toys so seriously. Only a complete weirdo would do that. Perhaps his biggest concern was a joke about dolls not having genitalia because this was too close to real life for his liking. Real dolls might not have genitalia, but in the movie they should, otherwise it’s too weird.

As shocking as these revelations are, this is not the first time Barbie has caused worldwide controversy. In another Chinese communist movie called Toy Story 3, Barbie said: “Authority should derive from the consent of the governed, not from threat of force.”

Even worse, the actress who currently plays Barbie, a traitor called Margot Robbie, said she is “very much in support of unions” and would “absolutely” be prepared to join the strike which is attempting to get screenwriter’s fair pay.

Not only is Margot Robbie a beautiful and talented Hollywood superstar, she also gives a shit about her fellow human beings. I’m therefore unclear why she has not been arrested x

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