A tribute to America's most successful war criminal

He is where he belongs now

America’s favourite war criminal, Henry Kissinger, has died at 100, proving conclusively that all the finest individuals live the longest. He joins his close friends Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher in hell - a place as hot as the napalm that burned his many victims.

The news of Kissinger’s passing came as a great shock to his fans who’d assumed he was immortal, due to his ritual of drinking human blood every morning. People in Vietnam and Cambodia were so distraught by his death, they had parties in the street.

Among those who’ve paid tribute are Benjamin Netanyahu, Tony Blair and Hillary Clinton who are card-carrying members of the “I like to murder non-whites and lefties” club. Kissinger’s fellow war criminal Tony Blair paid this touching tribute:

“I consider it one of the greatest privileges of my political life to have known him. From that first moment of meeting him to the last, he inspired me and taught me and I will forever be grateful to him.”

We know, Tony, you’re a mass-murdering psychopath too! We’re so fucking proud of you (heart emoji).

Henry Kissinger was rewarded for his services to western imperialism with six minutes of life for every innocent person he killed. This means he had a body count Suella Braverman could only dream about, which includes:

• Cambodia - 500,000

• East Timor - 200,000

• Bangladesh - 3,000,000

• Argentina - 60,000

• Laos - 200,000

• Vietnam - 3,000,000

Among Kissinger’s proudest achievements was extending the Vietnam war, which, for the kids who don’t remember, went almost as well as the war in Afghanistan.

President Nixon had promised to end the war, which is why he was elected, but Kissinger decided it would be a brilliant idea to sacrifice a further 25,000 US soldiers and an unimaginable number of civilians.

In addition, Kissinger skilfully orchestrated a coup/massacre in Chile because they dared elect a leader who is left of centre. It’s important that other countries respect American democratic values, which include only voting for the person they want to lead your country. If you fail to do this, the US will give you a brutal dictator to protect your democracy from the electorate.

Kissinger was very proud of this approach and once explained: “I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch a country go communist due to the irresponsibility of its people. The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves.”

Among the countries who had the wrong leader were Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, East Timor, Bangladesh, and Argentina, so Kissinger did the obvious thing of brutally killing as many civilians as possible to teach them how democracy works.

Despite all of this bloodshed, Kissinger was considered a moderate by today’s standards. For example, he recently warned the US stance on Ukraine could lead us into World War III and encouraged diplomacy. Also, he once described Israel’s Likud party as “sort of fascist”, meaning Netanyahu was a little too extreme for his liking.

Kissinger was so well-respected that George Bush jr once tried to put him in charge of the 9/11 Commission, but sadly, he had to step down when his ties to the Bin Laden family were made public. Personally, I can’t understand the logic behind this decision.

Kissinger was an expert diplomat, famous for quotes like “Pakistanis… are primitive in their mental structure” and “If it were not for the accident of my birth, I would be antisemitic.” Strangely, he was never called a “self-hating Jew” because that label is reserved for left-wingers who oppose apartheid.

One of Kissinger’s biggest fans was the late Christopher Hitchens (a writer almost as good as me) who wrote a book entitled: The Trial of Henry Kissinger. He wrote: “Henry Kissinger should have the door shut in his face by every decent person and should be shamed, ostracized and excluded.”

Another man who loved Kissinger was Anthony Bourdain who wrote: “Once you’ve been to Cambodia, you’ll never stop wanting to beat Henry Kissinger to death with your bare hands.”

Kissinger was the man who came up with the idea of the petrodollar, which became the world’s reserve currency, giving the US an unlimited military budget, and ensuring its dependency on oil, meaning the war machine did not just kill half of the developing world, but America’s unborn children. This is because the surface of the planet is going to get as hot as the core where Kissinger’s new cell is located. What a legacy x

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