Akshata Murthy owns £700 million of shares in Russian unicorn farms
Government denies this influenced their decision to award the contract
Rishi Sunak hosted an event today for his new organisation called Business Connect (which is a minor departure from Boris Johnson’s venture which was called Fuck Business). Lots of rich bastards were in attendance and they were optimistic that tax breaks could be on the cards so they had their cheque books ready.
Rishi didn’t invite any journalists to his event, other than me, so no one could ask him difficult questions and I must be honest, he looked a little lost. Perhaps he was nervous because of the huge announcement he was about to make, that he is renaming the United Kingdom the “Unicorn Kingdom” without any consultation with the public who I’m sure will be thrilled.
“The unicorns are going to live on the sunlit uplands,” Rishi explained to puzzled frowns, “and 350 million unicorn horns will be given to the NHS every week to put an end to the strikes.”
Further on, he insisted: “the biggest post-Brexit trade deal to date will restore sovereignty to Britain as well as save our fishing industry and make our bananas bendier”.
The prime minister awkwardly shuffled off stage when the expected round of applause did not materialise. He somehow forgot that rich sociopaths do not give a shit about unicorns or sunlit uplands or the NHS or sovereignty or fishing or even bendy fucking bananas. They want tax breaks, only tax breaks. And a return of child labour, obviously.
When the hoped for tax breaks and return of child labour didn’t materialise, everyone left the event rather miffed, and I could hear mutterings of: “Maybe we could try and bribe the other party.”
I suspect this is what led to the shocking leak…
Just hours later, it emerged the prime minister’s wife Akshata Murthy owns shares worth £700 million in Russian unicorn farms, sparking conspiracy theories this is the only reason they were awarded the contract. I caught up with the prime minister in our WhatsApp group and he laughed off the suggestion.
Rishi insisted the unicorn farms in sanctioned Russia were awarded the contract through the legitimate process of giving huge donations to the Conservative Party. Akshata’s shares were simply an added bonus. He explained there is no way he could heat his 29 swimming pools without the dividends so we should cut him some slack, and he promised free unicorn riding lessons for everyone who voted for Brexit.
Obviously this sounds brilliant, but I’m told Joe Biden was unimpressed and insisted one way or another, he will end Europe’s dependence on Russian unicorns. He offered American unicorns at half the price, but it turns out they’re old race horses with ice cream cones taped to their noses. This proves Joe Biden hates Britain.
The opposition were approached for comment and a spokesperson explained that although Labour opposes the government’s handling of the matter, they have no plans to switch policies, and if they were in power, they would make Unicorn Britain work, although they couldn’t explain how x
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Unicorns … brilliant!