Americans beg Iran to intervene as death toll in Minneapolis reaches 80,000
The desperate American people have pleaded with the Ayatollah of Iran to intervene after the death toll in Minneapolis reached 80,000.
While we only have evidence of a handful of Americans being murdered, my colleagues at the BBC have reviewed secret footage that you’re not allowed to see. This footage has been verified by CBS and proves the death toll is staggeringly high.
In one incident, ICE agents pinned a man down and shot him in the head while he was unarmed, then they ordered police officers away from the scene. These ICE agents are Trump’s gestapo—they act above the law and kill whoever they like. Their most recent victim was a white, male, law-abiding gun owner, leaving the NRA deeply confused.
Americans are now asking themselves how it got to this point.
It all began when Americans were so overcome with racism that they gave absolute power and six-figure salaries to the worst people among them. Who would’ve thought things could go so badly wrong?
Today, masked ICE agents act with anonymity and impunity across the US. They are currently terrorising the state of Minneapolis, or is it the city of Minneapolis? Who knows? All I know is ICE agents are regularly tackling children to the ground and taking them into detention for not carrying identification because they are children.
You might think those taken into detention are black or brown and therefore deserve it, but this is even happening to white people. American citizens. This is why good people like me are drawing a line. Institutional racism I can tolerate, but the thought of people like me being targeted is fucking unacceptable. I wouldn’t want to be treated like a black or brown person, would you?
There are widespread reports of rapes and violence inside of ICE detention centres. Victims are either dumped in the woods, sent to a country they’ve never visited, or never heard from again. One woman was repeatedly raped over a period of months so she could be allowed to see her child. Clearly, these women deserve liberation.
Reassuringly, the Ayatollah posted on Twitter:
“American Patriots, KEEP PROTESTING - TAKE OVER YOUR INSTITUTIONS!!! Save the names of the killers and abusers. They will pay a big price. HELP IS ON ITS WAY.”
American women rejoiced upon hearing the news. One Canadian woman was so excited, she pretended to be American and burnt a picture of Trump with a cigarette. She looked cool in the video she posted on Instagram so we’re now super-enthusiastic about war.
The brave Canadian woman explained that American women are led by a rapist president who denies them basic reproductive rights and they deserve freedom. It seems their cries have been heard.
The ISIS Twitter account posted:
“Let’s come out to the streets together. The time has come. We are with you. Not just from afar and verbally. We are with you on the ground as well.”
I’m unclear if ISIS plans to smuggle large quantities of weapons into the US and set fire to buildings, or if that’s just an IDF thing. However, it’s important to remember that if riots start, they are due to Americans being desperate for their liberation, not foreign instigators walking beside them. Please don’t deny Americans their agency.
Reassuringly, the Ayatollah has warned Trump that if his ICE agents continue murdering peaceful protesters, he will have no choice but to launch airstrikes on the White House. It seems only a matter of time.
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This is the best researched satire I've ever read. Frankly this is just as true as most of the headlines from our mainstream media.
America sends its 'law enforcers' to train in israel. https://www.amnestyusa.org/blog/with-whom-are-many-u-s-police-departments-training-with-a-chronic-human-rights-violator-israel/ And we wonder why Americans are being treated like Palestinians?