America's smartest ever leader convicted of concealing hush money to porn star

But all his genocide support is totally okay

The conviction of America’s smartest ever leader, President Trump, has sent shockwaves across the world and triggered millions of awkward conversations between parents and children. Those conversations went something like this:

“Mummy, why was the president convicted?”

“Well, darling, he paid a woman so he could show her his peepee and then he lied about showing her his peepee and paid her more money so she would not tell anyone she saw his peepee and then he lied about paying her to keep quiet because he didn’t want anyone to know she’d seen his peepee because it’s really weird looking.”

“Why did he want to show-”

“That doesn’t matter, darling, all that matters is that we don’t jail presidents for the really big crimes such as committing genocide or being clients of Ghislaine Maxwell. We must have our standards. We’re the greatest nation on earth and the last thing we want is anyone embarrassing the genocide machine.”

President Trump was convicted on 34 counts of embarrassing the genocide machine, such as having a bad spray tan and constantly saying the quiet part loud, but he was not convicted of participating in the genocide machine because saying you will do genocide even worse than Biden is always okay.

Understandably, Trump is now feeling pretty stupid about chanting “lock her up” because he no longer believes in jailing political opponents and insists all presidents should be above the law. It’s reassuring to see he is now a reformed character so hopefully the judge will show leniency when it comes to sentencing.

Evangelicals are predictably distraught by Trump’s conviction and said we need a man of His moral purity in charge because who else can spread the message of Christ like He? If ever there was a sequel to the Bible, Trump would definitely be the main star. Stormy Daniels is basically Mary Magdelene.

Trump’s conviction means he can’t cast a vote or even own a firearm in many states, meaning he has fewer rights than an angry teenager with no friends who wants to take out his classmates. Thankfully, he could one day get his finger on the nuclear button again, so he could yet send a tactical warhead to Hillary’s residence.

Clinton demonstrated her class and integrity by planning new convict merchandise so she could capitalise on Trump’s conviction like Nancy Pelosi capitalised on the abortion ban. This is why capitalism is great, literally anything can be a money-making opportunity. No wonder so many people say “I’m still with her”.

Heart-warmingly, Trump’s loving mail-order bride is standing by her man because that is one brutal prenup she signed and Melania doesn’t want to be broke. However, she is looking forward to spending time with the hot pool guy when the love of her life is jailed. Poor Barron is standing by his father, but he’s very confused and keeps asking “what did daddy do with that lady?”

Sadly, Trump’s conviction has caused outrage among the divorced men who wear MAGA hats, can’t afford prostitutes, and aren’t allowed to see their kids without supervision. They are ready to start a civil war against the army that has sniper drones and reversed-engineered alien technology. I really don’t think they’ve thought this one through. Let’s be honest, their last attempt at a civil war was a bit embarrassing.

To protect against the risk of civil war, the US only allows people to become president who can easily be blackmailed. This is how the CIA and Mossad, and sometimes even the Kremlin, ensure presidents do as they’re told. The country that has just convicted its former leader of felony crimes has confirmed we could not possibly convict Israel’s leader of genocide, for example. This is because the US president and his blackmailers are above the law when it comes to the worst crimes imaginable.

Russia is considered a bad country because it thinks leaders should also be above the law for smaller crimes. It has therefore condemned the jailing of a political rival because this is something only the Kremlin is allowed to do.

President Trump has been convicted of crimes that are 1/10,000th as bad anything Benjamin Netanyahu has done, or anything Joe Biden has done, or any of the other things Donald Trump has done for that matter, but thankfully he will never be prosecuted for the really bad stuff, just like the others won’t, because that would kill the military industrial complex and that would mean the US would not have an economy!

The greatest nation on earth has the most ethical system possible, one that is utterly dependent on non-stop crimes against humanity. As you can see, constantly voting for the lesser of two evils has led the US to a really good place. God bless America x

---

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x