Andy Burnham promises "real change" by delivering Starmer's policies with a Mancunian accent

In a move described by ThinkLabour as “totally above board,” Josh Simons has graciously stepped aside to let Andy Burnham contest his Makerfield seat in a by-election.

Simons was one of the key architects of Keir Starmer’s rise to power, but now he is helping to install his successor. I’m sure he will not be getting anything in return though, such as a cosy seat in the House of Lords. And I’m sure Burnham won’t be controlled by the exact same people as Starmer.

For legal reasons, I must clarify that ThinkLabour is not connected to Labour Together, the group that got into bother over undeclared donors and hired private investigators to smear the journalists who exposed them. The fact that both organisations contain mostly the same faces is purely coincidental.

ThinkLabour is now sensibly refusing to endorse candidates and is definitely, absolutely not backing Burnham. Josh Simons isn’t even officially part of the group, at least not during the damage-limitation and rebranding period.

As the candidate with the best working-class accent who isn’t female, Burnham is the revolutionary choice for anyone who is fed up with the pro-establishment Starmer. Just look at how well he performs on camera. No good media performer could ever side with the establishment…

Burnham stood outside a Wigan pie shop and declared himself the bold, radical choice that Britain has been waiting for: same policies, but delivered in Mancunian with the occasional “ey up.” No one outside the region knows what “ey up” actually means, but if it gets northerners excited, that’s what matters.

“I’m not your typical Westminster insider,” said the man who spent most of his career backing NHS privatisation and attending Labour Friends of Israel events. “I tried and failed to stop Jeremy Corbyn becoming leader. That’s the kind of outsider energy I’m bringing to this by-election.”

When asked what he would do differently from Starmer, Burnham leaned into the microphone and replied: “Nowt, but I’ll sound like I mean it.”

Burnham insisted he can head off the sort of swing that Hannah Spencer secured for the Greens, simply by acting working class. His campaign team has already planned several photoshoots: Burnham sipping a pint in a pub. Burnham wearing a hi-vis vest at a factory. Burnham going for a three-minute jog in a “Normal Bloke” t-shirt.

Burnham’s radical platform will include Rachel Reeves’ fiscal rules. “We’ll grow t’economy,” he insisted, sounding like he knows exactly where the growth isn’t coming from. He promised more efficient NHS privatisation and he even promised to sound mildly disappointed in Netanyahu while sending arms to Israel — a risky move.

To show he can tolerate the youth, Burnham is expected to push Labour in a moderately woke direction. He is consulting a focus group over whether to put a rainbow flag in his Twitter bio. This could potentially stop the Green threat in its tracks, but some insiders feel it might be a step too far.

The stakes of this by-election could not be higher. Should Burnham lose Makerfield to the Greens or, heaven forbid, Reform, it would be existential for Labour. On the plus side, Wes Streeting would likely become the party’s last ever prime minister. Personally, I can’t think of anyone who would do a better job of managing decline with neatly combed hair and robotic soundbites.

Green elder stateswoman Caroline Lucas has urged Zack Polanski not to put party before country. The woman who spent years admirably defending the establishment from the threat of structural change is fully behind the Burnham campaign.

“The last thing we need is the Greens becoming the opposition. Or, dare I say it, the government,” Lucas warned. “What this country needs is more of the same, just with better recycling targets.”

Polanski politely declined Lucas’ request because standing aside so Labour can lose with a better regional accent is not exactly the revolutionary strategy that Green voters had in mind. Apparently, the Greens are here to replace Labour, not help them...

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