Another one of Putin's close friends has accidentally died

This was so unexpected

Vladimir Putin is mourning the loss of his best friend Yevgeny Prigozhin who you might remember from his close ties with X Factor legend Wagner. Yevgeny sadly died when his Embraer Legacy jet fell out of the sky, killing ten, including his personal stylist and hairdresser Dmitry Utkin.

Yevgeny's passport was found at the crash site but not his body, so we can only assume he was carried away by angels. Yevgeny is the 42nd close friend that Vladimir has lost this year (the other 41 sadly fell out of windows).

Not many know Yevgeny was only given three months to live in June, so to see him pass unexpectedly has been quite the shock. His sudden death has sent conspiracy theorists into overdrive with their key suspect being a young Swedish woman.

Yevgeny had enraged environmentalists by flying around in a private jet, leading to suspicions Extinction Rebellion might have brought the jet down out of spite. However, rebel leader Greta Thunberg has denied responsibility and authorities have confirmed she is not a suspect.

As there are no other suspects, the only plausible explanation is that Yevgeny drank too many Vodkas and nosedived into the ground minutes after takeoff - an easy mistake to make. It’s fair to say no other explanation makes sense because I can’t imagine who would want to kill Yevgeny, or why. I mean it’s not like he was involved in a war where he turned against both sides, so drunk on power he tried to take over a superpower before running with his tail between his legs to Belarus.

By all accounts, Yevgeny was beloved by soulless mercenaries who capitalise on their ability to take human lives to make retirement in the frozen wasteland of Siberia bearable.

Vladimir was even closer to Yevgeny than he was to most Russian oligarchs who are prone to falling out of windows. Yevgeny had only attempted the one mutiny and Vladimir only threatened to defenestrate Yevgeny when he was drunk. Otherwise, the pair got on like a plane on fire.

I’m told Vlad was so upset by Yevgeny’s demise, he attended a concert that night, drawing parallels with the son of the Titanic billionaire who went to see Blink-182. However, I’m informed Vlad did not attend a Blink-182 concert and it was most likely a private James Blunt performance because Vlad listens to our greatest ever singer on repeat play. I mean who doesn’t?

As you can imagine, tributes to Yevgeny Prigozhin have poured in from across the world. Rishi Sunak said he is “devastated to have lost a potential Tory donor”, Joe Biden simply said “Who?” and Volodymyr Zelenskyy laughed uncontrollably. We all grieve in our own ways x

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