Argentina's new leader makes them the envy of the world

No other president can wield a chainsaw with such composure

Huge congratulations to Argentina who have elected Javier Milei as their next president! You can think of Milei as Argentina’s Trump, Bolsonaro, Farage, Netanyahu, or Leatherface. He is a man of impeccable style who dresses like your drunk dad who thinks he’s a member of the Arctic Monkeys, but hasn’t bathed for three days or spoken to your mother for three years.

Milei is a huge fan of wielding a chainsaw in public to signify his plans to slash public spending by 15% of GDP. When Suella Braverman saw this, her eyes lit up and human rights lawyers had to explain: “No, you can’t use one of those on refugees!” Life can be so unfair.

In order to show the world he is more than a horror movie monster, Milei has come up with sensible ideas like legalising the sale of human organs, which should prove useful to poor people who think they could go without a kidney, or a brain. Brilliantly, Milei even plans to eliminate all gun laws, so you can expect Argentina to become the number one holiday destination for aspiring high school shooters.

Milei explained he intends to “blow up” Argentina’s central bank, but it remains unclear if that’s where Hamas HQ is hidden or if he was speaking metaphorically. He also announced he is closing unimportant things like the ministries of health and education so I’m thinking I was wrong about the Hamas thing, but everyone else has been wrong so you can give me a break.

Milei plans to dollarise Argentina’s economy, meaning he is safe from a US coup, no matter how bad things get. Let’s just ignore that his plan is unworkable because Argentina has virtually no dollar reserves or access to international credit. What matters is Milei intends to privatise as much of Argentina’s economy as possible, including its oil industry. The US normally starts civil wars to install guys like this. Honestly, they can’t believe their luck.

Milei has already shown his diplomatic side by sensibly referring to China (his country’s biggest trading partner) as “murderous”. He even called the pope a “filthy leftist”, which went down wonderfully with his majority Catholic electorate. As you can see, he’s already making friends.

“Today is the end of Argentina’s decline,” Milei boasted, quickly adding “but if we continue to decline, we will, of course, blame immigrants, minorities, the unemployed, and the fucking pope.” I’m unsure if he has blamed the drought, which has cost Argentina’s economy $20 billion a year, on “wokeness”. If not, he needs to get on this, because scapegoating is going to be an essential weapon to fend off the anti-growth coalition.

Milei’s election victory means I hold out hope that one day Suella Braverman will deregulate chainsaws and lead the UK into oblivion. Remember, if you don’t vote for nutters who want to kill everyone, you might get a leftie who wants a kind and caring society and that would be horrible. This is why it’s essential we keep pushing the Overton window further right x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x