Army chief announces exciting plan to start World War III
Army chief announces exciting plan to start World War III
Are you looking forward to conscription?
The internet has been buzzing today with the most exciting news in decades: conscription for World War III could finally be on its way! Oh god, please let this be real!
The super-sensible head of the British Army has decided he wants to start World War III and I suspect he has the backing of MPs who are owned by the military industrial complex. Former defence select committee chairman Tobias Ellwood built my hopes up when he said we need to listen to Sir Patrick Sanders in a meeting of war hawks.
Some weirdo suggested we try diplomacy instead of World War III, but they were promptly thrown out of a window and a nervous Rishi Sunak fell silent. If Rishi doesn’t want to go along with the apocalypse, we can always switch him off and wheel him into a cupboard and put Tobias in charge because he is definitely the voice of reason.
Tobias said on Sky News today: “So Patrick Sanders is saying prepare for what's coming over the horizon - there is a 1939 feel to the world right now.” Obviously, today is exactly like 1939 because they had iPads back then and today war is avoidable, but we find mutually assured destruction appealing for some reason. We’re like drug addicts who keep going, even when our liver has turned to mush and one more hit will probably kill us. We just can’t help ourselves!
If Tobias Ellwood and his fellow sensibles such as senior NATO official, Admiral Rob Bauer, get their way, it really will be a dream come true. I mean why should Ukraine and Gaza get all the fun? We want unspeakable horror here too!
The middle-aged flag shaggers with St George flags in their Twitter bios and the old people whose only news source is the BBC have been tweeting that they can’t wait to follow in their parents’ and grandparents’ footsteps and finally fight in a world war.
The online consensus was they should let the snowflakes sit this one out so they can show them how real patriots fight. However, some idiot pointed out life expectancy on the battlefield will be about four days and they now agree that young people should fight instead.
They’ve decided youngsters should not be allowed to say no either to punish them for being woke. It’s hoped the death penalty can be brought back for any snowflake who refuses conscription. Suella Braverman has volunteered to be chief executioner, but only if she’s allowed to boil them alive because she gets off on human screams.
Thankfully, Suella is not the only patriot stepping up to the plate and it seems everyone who can profit is volunteering for roles. Michelle Mone has offered to make radiation suits from Asda carrier bags for just £130 million and a new yacht. Boris Johnson has offered to enslave the race of mutants that will roam the post-apocalypse and are likely to resemble his 476 children. Blackrock has already been awarded the contract to rebuild the radioactive ash heap that’s about to replace Europe.
In the meantime, the Tories hope to introduce rations so middle-class people can find out what it’s like to be working class during austerity. Get ready for one Pot Noodle every two days because that’s all you’re getting, fatso!
The news somehow gets even better: the nut-jobs at the World Economic Forum have selflessly offered to form a new world government and usher in an era of mass surveillance. It’s hoped we can introduce war-time powers to microchip everyone who isn’t rich and ban anyone we don’t like from the internet. Gary Lineker, your days are numbered…
Obviously, we won’t give up those war-time powers when the war ends, and if by some miracle, you’re still alive, you’ll be living under authoritarianism forever because those microchips will have patriotic kill switches! For national security reasons of course…
While the snowflakes are fighting in the trenches, the war heroes who’ve never fought in a war hope to survive by shagging Union Jacks in their safe spaces and calling any youngster who doesn’t want to fight a coward.
The rich people who’ll be sharing a bunker with King Charles don’t seem to understand there won’t be any poor people left to exploit because they’ll all be dead. The regular patriots don’t seem to understand they’ll be in reach of long-range missiles and we’ve already set the precedent that international law no longer applies in war. Genocide is allowed because Joe Biden and his lapdogs said so.
Apparently, do-gooders think it’s wrong that Israel cut off food and medicine in Gaza, but the US deprives its own people of medicine and the Tories starve British school kids so honestly, what’s the difference? Bombs, lots and lots of bombs are the difference, but that could be about to change…
You know those horrible pictures you see of distraught parents in Gaza holding their children in their arms? That could soon be you because you were stupid enough to vote for one of the two pro-war parties we told you to vote for! Aren’t you glad you’re unable to think for yourself?
You should probably say goodbye to all the fighting age men you know because if all goes to plan, we’re gonna demand they fight to the death like we do with refugees fleeing the countries we destabilised. It’s fair to say British people are about to understand what it’s like to be a victim of British people! We’ll still blame foreigners though, and the teenagers with blue hair who like eating avocados x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
Good thing I wasn’t enjoying a pint... I’d have spewed it out laughing at the vision of the middle-aged flag shaggers... and While the snowflakes are fighting in the trenches, the war heroes who’ve never fought in a war hope to survive by shagging Union Jacks in their safe spaces and calling any youngster who doesn’t want to fight a coward.
The old white men in the US gleefully rattle their sabers with the help of that little blue pill while the poor sods who join the military to “make a future” for themselves die for the Military Industrial Complex.
Yes, I served as a non-combatant Chaplain for 21+ years and saw those whom I served along side of see enough bull shite to last a lifetime.
I remember reading The Silver Sword by Ian Serraillier with a university entrance exam class in Japan as the US did its level best to try and force the Japanese to repudiate the clause which forbade the Japanese from going to war. As I said to my students then - I am not teaching you only for the warmongers of our world (i.e. the US) to pull you into their wars to be killed. And so Japanese Self-Defence (sic) forces were sent to Iraq - unarmed - and guarded there while they performed good works by armed Australian Defence (sic) forces until withdrawal time. When I was a young fellow in Australia I avoided conscription not by going overseas but by the simple stroke of good fortune of not having my birthdate pulled out of a lottery barrel. Several of my high school classmates were not so lucky - they were sent to Viet Nam - another US war - known in Viet Nam as "the American War" - one was killed while another lost his sight and was mostly deafened and somehow survived till his late 30s before his heart gave out. An earlier generation here in Australia might be speaking of the other American War - the one in Korea - bubonic plague released into its northern part by the US - germ warfare of the era. And earlier than that - the war in Europe and in the Pacific - many times I have visited Hiroshima and Nagasaki - the weak US president Truman (irony even in his name) - just like Netanyahu - slaughtering the innocents. And before that napalming of all the major cities along the Sanyō Pacific-facing coastline - including the city I lived in for 14 years. It's what the British did to Dresden and other cities in Europe. As I come up to my 75th birthday I await announcements that all men (women?) up till their 80th birthday will be eligible for conscription - unless a parliamentarian or an adviser/spin merchant employed in a parliamentarian's office - or their relative up to second-cousin-once-removed level ... or who own a mansion such as the size of Frogmore Cottage. Thank-you Laura for making so plain and clear the nastiness of those bearing the mark of a knighthood or of holding "high office"!