Biden says he can't attend coronation because Camilla is really annoying

This is a perfectly understandable position

You probably don’t know President Biden won’t bother attending the coronation of King Charles III because normal people don’t give a crap about that nonsense, but I’m not normal so I thought I’d tell you all about it! Apologies if what I’m about to tell you is seriously boring though.

The official position is that President Biden is “too old” to travel across the Atlantic twice in one month and he is already travelling to Northern Ireland to have a few pints of Guinness with his mates. Given that Biden is 104 years old, I’m impressed he’s still going out on the lash and can fully understand why he would rather do that. Let’s be honest, the whole event is going to be terribly dull.

President Biden has explained the real reason he cannot attend the coronation of King Charles III is that Camilla Parker-Bowles is really annoying. Apparently, he was upset with Camilla because she kept having dinner with people who abused her daughter-in-law, like Jeremy Clarkson who fantasised about parading her naked through the streets and throwing shit at her. This is a perfectly understandable concern because Meghan Markle is an American citizen and Jeremy Clarkson is a fucking idiot. Biden was also concerned that Camilla had dinner with Piers Morgan because, well, she had dinner with Piers Morgan and that’s embarrassing.

On top of all that, Biden mentioned something about America fighting a bloody war of independence so they could escape the tyranny of our monarchy. Can you believe this was how America came to be an independent country?! Biden said he has Irish roots and British monarchs have this awful habit of starving Irish people to death, which is why they hate us.

I mean the royal family doesn’t even treat its own people well, let alone anyone else’s. When they’re not travelling to a former colony and demanding to be carried around by poor people, they’re impoverishing their own staff.

Pictures in the Mail today showed the king’s guards (the ones who wear silly black hats and trample children who get in their way) are living in “rodent-infested apartments”, just yards from Buckingham palace.

Obviously, the important thing here is the man with magic blood has golden toilet seats and someone to spread butter on his toast. British conservatives are proud to revere such special individuals for absolutely no reason and we expect other countries to do the same. As you can imagine, Biden’s position has made dipshits, I mean “respectable journalists” like Dan Wootton explode with gammon rage.

All Dan wanted was for the American king, I mean “president” to respect our fine British tradition, which has historically included chopping the head off the monarch so that you can become the next monarch. Or having an uprising if you don’t approve of the religion of the current monarch and finding a replacement in Europe with the correct religion. This is how the king’s lineage Saxe-Coburg-Gotha (later rebranded as “Windsor” because they were embarrassed about their German roots) got the crown in the first place.

Perhaps it would be acceptable if President Biden encouraged another uprising and replaced the current king with a Scientologist. This would be democracy in action because everyone knows real countries don’t elect their heads of state x

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