Bloke called Charles gets first job at the age of 74

He is proof that after a lifetime of unemployment, people can still find a purpose

Can I just say huge congratulations to Charles on getting his first job at the age of 74? I’m pretty sure he will read this because let’s be honest, everyone will!

After a lifetime waiting for his mother to leave him a vacancy, King Charles Spaniel has finally found his purpose in life. This is why society shouldn't write off the long-term unemployed. Even useless layabouts can surprise us, given half the chance.

Perhaps we should give more Universal Credit claimants 30 palaces, 1,100 servants and a right of accession to see what they can make of their lives. But I think it’s fair to say, no one on our island of 67 million weirdos could sit on a chair while an old man put a hat on their head better than Charles did. This shows we have the perfect method of selecting our head of state.

The coronation was brilliant, wasn’t it? We could not have found anything better to spend a quarter of a billion pounds on during a cost of living crisis. Fuck the hungry school kids, clear the homeless from the streets and don’t let them eat cake!

I’m not gonna lie, I never watched the coronation because I wasn’t doing anything interesting and still didn’t want to, but it’s my job to provide commentary so I’m going to wing it, even though I have no understanding of the subject matter. Just pretend I’m a Gbeebies presenter.

From what I’ve gathered, Prince Andrew got booed on his way to the party, but he courageously did not sweat after spraying himself from head to toe with Sure Men Non-Stop Protection, and his efforts were still not as impressive as those of Charles.

Never in the history of fancy dress parties has a man gone harder on his outfit. Charles spent a fortune of your money and looted several continents across several centuries to find items with the best possible stats, including staffs enchanted by stolen gems and a cloak with maximum tax resistance.

The man of the people who shrieked when he saw clingfilm because he didn’t know what it was, and who gets his servants to iron his shoelaces and apply his toothpaste is truly a hero the people can get behind. I can’t believe the archbishop cancelled the pledge of allegiance because I was totally looking forward to pretending I’d done it. I wasn’t the only one who was feeling sad today either.

Prince Edward was upset he didn’t get to wear his medals after completing four heroic months of basic training in the army. Prince William spent the day saying he couldn’t wait for it to be his turn, which is rather grim, and Prince Louis captured the mood of the nation by repeatedly yawning.

The Tories were out in force today like the true patriots they are. Minister for sewage Thérèse Coffey made an unwanted appearance like a swamp monster wrapped in a union jack scarf. Minister for Infosys Rishi Sunak came dressed like he was attending a funeral, which might have been wishful thinking. And Minister for Middle Earth Penny Mordor carried a sword, but disappointed everyone by not going through with a traditional royal beheading.

Super-creepy monks chanted as the Archbishop of Toryism read from a card because he hadn’t learned his lines and Charles couldn’t afford a teleprompter after blowing the entire national budget. To be be fair though, this is the middle ages and teleprompters haven’t been invented yet.

Let’s be honest, if this was a sensible 21st century country, none of this would be happening, but we are blissfully stuck in the past with all the feudalism and rampant poverty that goes with it.

Across the nation, street parties were ruined by rain and the national anthem was booed at Anfield, but it was lovely to see the organisers of Not My King getting arrested because on a day like today, it's important to send out the message we definitely do not live in a democracy.

The Metropolitan Police were proudly live-tweeting their illegal arrests to terrorise the public into pretending to have a good time. They even boasted of arresting volunteers from a charity they work with for handing out rape alarms last night. They claimed on social media they had “intelligence” suggesting rape alarms were going to be set off at the coronation. And if anything was going to make Prince Andrew sweat, it was the sound of rape alarms.

Yes, Wayne Couzens’ colleagues arrested people for carrying rape alarms but not the rapist, which is their proudest moment since they slammed women onto the ground at a candle-lit vigil. Personally, I love how whenever police are given Judge Dredd powers, they massively abuse them. It’s almost like they spend their careers waiting for the shackles to come off so they can take their fascist form and crush all expression of free thought.

Rape alarms, blank pieces of card, and chants of “Not My King” are illegal now, even though no law exists to ban them because only democracies have legal systems that make sense and we definitely don’t want a democracy because then we couldn’t spend £250 million putting a hat on a man’s head x

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