Bloke called Charles having second coronation in a year

The people of Scotland are said to be ecstatic

You might remember the bloke called Charles who borrowed £300 million from you (that he still hasn’t repaid) so he could put a hat on his head to cheer him up after his mother died. Well, Charles loved that day so much, he’s doing it all again in a place called “Scotland” which is located somewhere north of Middle Earth.

Fun fact: Scotland is known for being the only place in the world unaffected by climate change with a peak temperature of -26C mid-summer so if you’re attending the party, make sure you wrap up in polar bear fur, unless you’re Scottish, in which case don’t bother wearing a shirt or underpants.

Charles’ second hat-fitting ceremony is taking place somewhere called “Edinburgh” - a heavily fortified region of “Scotland” designed to keep Glaswegian barbarians out. The fortifications mean security costs could be reduced to the equivalent of approximately 37,712,145 school meals.

I understand Englishman and son of cousins, Charles, will rule Scotland via birthright because he was somehow the fastest sperm in the Greek man’s ejaculation and his mother’s German lineage gave him magic blood. I never said any of this makes sense, just go with it, okay? It’s a proud British tradition!

Charles has thoughtfully put his face on bank notes to remind people their money is paying for another one of his parties as well as the heating bill for his 23 palaces. Charles only spent £108 million on heating last year, after turning the thermostat down by 2C to 34C so it feels like a nice summer’s day in one of his former colonies.

Charles might be known for holding the most boring parties on earth, but he has brilliant things planned for tomorrow, such as snarling at his servants if they don’t pass him a quill quickly enough. Queen Elizabeth II is expected to address the crowd like Simba’s dad in The Lion King and the police have vowed to shoot anyone who holds up a blank piece of paper on sight.

William (not Wallace, the one without a surname) promised to end the misery of homelessness in five years so the homeless are to be swept off the streets and put into landfill. It’s only right.

Charles will be joined by his latest wife, an Argonian lizard woman called Camilla, and they are looking forward to wearing the world’s most expensive fancy dress costumes.

After several centuries looting Africa, Asia and the Caribbean, the British army were sent into Caelid (think Middlesbrough, only hot and with less dangerous locals) so they could find items with brilliant stats. I understand Charles’ outfit offers zero in the intelligence, charisma and strength slots, but offers strong resistance against democracy and has the bonus effect of making tax bills catch fire. Plus, it offers a 45% chance of making people gooey-eyed every time someone says “proud British tradition”.

To complete his outfit, Charles will carry a magic staff (because he’s going for a mage build) with a diamond which contains the souls of all those murdered by the empire when we brought civilisation to their lands.

Charles’ favourite brother, the Earl of Inverness, will join the party, but sadly, family friends Jeffrey Epstein and Sir Jimmy Saville cannot attend because they are sharing a furnace with Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and the worst bastards in human history. Virginia Giuffre politely declined an invitation but thanked Andrew for buying her a ski chalet, even though they’ve “never met”.

Heartwarmingly, George and Charlotte are excited to look down on the peasants from their balcony and Louis is looking forward to picking his nose and yelling that he’s bored. Charles’ exiled stepson Harry is thrilled to be spending the day with his father because he and James Hewitt have lots of catching up to do, but Jeremy Clarkson is devastated he can’t fulfil his sexual fantasy of flinging horse manure at Meghan Markle on this occasion.

All in all, it should be a brilliant day and will be attended by absolutely no one who is normal so please watch my live coverage on the BBC when I will be pretending to give a shit about what’s going on.

On second thoughts, I think I’ll call in sick and let them drag Nicholas Witchell out of his storage cupboard again x

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