Bloke called Charles suspected head of world's biggest crime family

The scale of the crimes allegedly committed by this family are truly astonishing

I’ve been doing lots of reporting recently about a bloke called Charles who is about to get a fancy hat put on his head, but today the scandals surrounding him have deepened.

You probably thought it was bad that Charles is using £100 million of stolen money to throw a massive party, but it gets worse, much worse. It turns out that Charles’ personal wealth which was supposed to be £700 million but was then reported as £1.8 billion might actually be many billions more.

Charles has insisted his wealth is a “personal matter”, but this does not appear to be reasonable, given it was hardly accumulated in a personal manner. Scandalously, it appears Charles has been skimming wealth from a public property portfolio known as the “Crown Estate” for years and somehow no one noticed until now.

But it somehow gets even worse.

It turns out Charles has a stash of stolen jewels that his family obtained by invading other countries, murdering people, and helping themselves like deranged pirates. They even declared themselves rulers of these places and terrified the locals into compliance while they extorted and enslaved them. It appears Charles is the current head of the biggest mob family in history.

Charles’ crime family reportedly controls huge swathes of British land, such as the Duchy of Lancaster and the Duchy of Cornwall. To be honest, I’ve no idea what Duchy means, but we’re talking thousands of acres here. I’m told this man even controls historic castles across the UK and lives in extraordinary wealth, despite being unemployed and in receipt of Universal Credit. If we got Al Capone on tax evasion, maybe we could get this bloke on benefit fraud. Anything would be better than nothing.

Analysts have suggested Charles might be the biggest benefits cheat in the history of the UK, although others say his mother was just as bad.

The below picture is believed to represent just part of Charles’ stash:

Apparently, the stash includes the Great Star of Africa diamond which weighs 530 carats and was stolen from South Africa during a time when the British were sowing the seeds of apartheid. In the name of balance, I must point out that fans of Charles say this was part of a fine British tradition called “monarchy” and is therefore totally okay.

The stash is also said to include the Koh-i-Noor diamond which was taken during a period of looting that took India from 23% of the world’s GDP to just 4% of the world’s GDP. Again, in the name of balance, I must point out that fans of Charles say this period of “colonisation” was good for India and helped “civilise” them in preparation for Winston Churchill starving 4 million Bengalis to death.

Apparently, there are tons more jewels that Charles’ family stole and a load of other valuable stuff too, including the Elgin Marbles and the Rosetta Stone. These are among the world’s most important historic artefacts and Charles won’t give them back because he really likes looking at them. It remains unclear why he has not been arrested and had these goods confiscated, same as we would do with any other robber x

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