Boris Johnson accidentally had sex party with Russian spy

Intelligence services specifically told him no sex parties

Boris Johnson has explained he accidentally had a sex party with a Russian spy after ignoring security advice and flying to the Italian castle of an ex-KGB agent because he had no way of knowing MI6 was correct about the risk.

Shockingly, Italy’s intelligence services believed the Palazzo Terranova owned by Alexander Lebedev was used for influence and espionage, according to an official document.

However, Johnson countered that sex castles owned by Russian spies represent the lowest possible security risk and he was definitely not compromised. He explained the attractive Russian violinist, who really enjoyed his company for some reason, was not trying to extract information from him. She was just interested in knowing what he did for a living.

Incidentally, Johnson had attended a party in the same castle two years earlier and enjoyed the company of all the finest lizard people, like Rupert Murdoch and Nigel Farage. The night was particularly memorable because former glamour model Katie Price twice flashed her tits at the dinner table, according to The Guardian (and Rupert Murdoch had his out all day at the pool side). This was enough to convince our former prime minister the sex castle was an appropriate place for a world leader to hang out. Therefore, Johnson was keen to go back.

Not long after a NATO summit decided Putin was behind the Salisbury poisonings, Johnson thought it would be a brilliant idea to return to the sex castle, but only on the condition no one showed their boobs this time. Sadly, Rupert Murdoch quickly broke that rule and proved that Johnson won’t shag anything with a pulse. Even he has his limits.

Johnson explained it was not suspicious that he flew to Umbria without a security detail because they would only have spoilt his fun anyway. Plus, he had no way of knowing former KGB agent Alexander Lebedev enjoyed the “favour and friendship” of Putin because honestly, where were the signs?

Johnson convincingly explained: “As far as I am aware, no government business was discussed,” because he was too busy shagging the violinist who he never expected to have such great chemistry with. He failed to mention she dosed him with Rohypnol and he has no idea what came out of his mouth while he drifted in and out of consciousness.

He did, however, state he is certain the villa did not contain hidden cameras and he has not been blackmailed by the footage. It’s entirely coincidental that Johnson put Lebedev’s son, Evgeny, into the House of Lords two years later. Also, the £2.5 million the Tories received from Russian donors was most certainly not an attempt to sweeten the deal. As you can see, our political system is totally uncorruptable (I think that’s a word).

British officials asked the Queen to block Evgeny’s peerage because they suspected he was a security risk, but Johnson lied to Liz like he lied when he prorogued parliament.

Johnson sensibly overruled intelligence advice that Evgeny was a threat to national security because the man who didn’t know the difference between a party and a work meeting has impeccable judgement. It’s everyone else who is stupid.

Johnson obviously couldn’t find anyone better for the House of Lords because the son of the ex-KGB officer is unquestionably one of Britain’s most deserving citizens, a man who earned his money the honest way, a real rags to riches story.

Johnson praised Lebedev for investing heavily in journalism and insisted this is not what someone who wanted to influence the UK would do. He explained Evgeny has criticised Putin and this could not have been a ruse to gain his trust. Clearly, it was a brilliant idea to make Evgeny a lord and let him buy a British newspaper. Johnson rightly condemned Canada for sanctioning Evgeny’s father, Alexander, in a clearly racist move.

“It is not right to judge people on the basis of their country of birth or the sound of their surname. This is a tiresome and xenophobic campaign,” said the anti-racist who wouldn’t let refugees into the UK unless they were white Europeans x

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