Boris Johnson caught in compromising position with a clothes horse

This is horrifying

A huge scandal is emerging from Downing Street as the Covid Inquiry discovers Boris Johnson had a shocking sexual encounter with a clothes horse.

Following the wrangling over the release of the former prime minister’s diaries, I can confirm they are finally in the hands of Lady Hallett and the revelations they contain are shocking to say the least.

I can’t quote from the diaries directly because I don’t have any copies, but that’s just as well because most of it’s rambling nonsense interspersed with Latin and if anyone read this aloud, they could accidentally summon a demon. Or worse, the corpse of Margaret Thatcher.

Now you might remember that I helped our former prime minister redact his diaries to remove the embarrassing pages that mentioned me, but that doesn’t mean I redacted the embarrassing pages that mentioned him, and he’s so lazy, he just trusted I’d sorted it out. You can call this revenge.

Aside from the mention of Johnson scaring the crap out of Michael Gove by leaning in for a snog that I told you about last week, there is a more shocking secret that I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to reveal. That time is now because I’m super bored and since everyone attached to the inquiry is gossiping, I’ll lose my exclusive if I don’t get my arse into gear.

In May 2020, Metropolitan Police officers were kindly supervising a brilliant work meeting in which Nadine Dorries performed Lose Yourself by Eminem on the karaoke. During this spectacular performance, Mark François attempted to breakdance, later ending up in hospital with a hernia, but Boris Johnson’s behaviour was nowhere near as sensible.

All I remember is Boris vanishing when our suitcases of booze were running on empty and returning with Vaporub smeared over his shirt and his fly undone. He explained the Vaporub was to mask the smell of vomit (it didn’t work).

Anyways, his diary entry (which contains an unnecessary level of crayoned detail) explains Boris knocked back a bottle of white spirit that he found under the kitchen sink and when that was empty, he raided the medicine cabinet for Wilfred’s Calpol to ease his heartburn. (I think he confused Calpol with Gaviscon. What a dipshit.)

This interesting concoction had quite the effect on Johnson and he went a bit wild even by his standards, at one point having a furious row with a plant pot that he accused of being “woke” for some reason.

When he’d settled down, he had a dance off with Dominic Raab who performed the robot because what else was someone that stiff going to do? Boris then made a bizarre attempt at river dance like he was Michael fucking Flatley. It didn’t take long for him to land flatly on his face.

Shortly after, he was making a pass at Sue Gray who… Oh bugger, no one is supposed to know she was at the parties too! Let’s just say it was Kemi Badenoch, she’ll do. Boris made a pass at Kemi Badenoch and when she rejected him, he stormed off in a huff.

Later, a scream came from the laundry room and when we went to see what was going on, we discovered a startled cleaner gawping at Johnson who had dropped his trousers and was lifting up a dress that was draped over a clothes horse. Yes, he was attempting to hump it.

A disgusted Dilyn the dog said: “What the fuck are you doing, Boris?” and our former prime minister tumbled onto the clothes horse which collapsed, causing him to freak out and say “Where did she go?” as he patted the empty dress.

At this point, Priti Patel said, “It’s a bloody clothes horse, you idiot!” and Johnson said, “Yes, of course,” kindly remembering to pull his trousers up. Sadly, the image was well and truly burnt onto everyone’s retinas like a plasma screen that had been paused at the worst possible moment. The image will never leave us.

Johnson, well, a wealthy donor, paid for the cleaner to have counselling for PTSD after making her sign a non-disclosure agreement and everyone agreed never to speak about this again, but now the inquiry knows everything, none of that matters.

I understand the clothes horse (who can’t be named for legal reasons) is due to give evidence at the inquiry and is currently in witness protection in case Boris tries it on again. Also, Dilyn the dog is expected to testify against his owner so that “Carrie will finally dump that repugnant prick”.

In other news, the WhatsApps confirmed Rishi was part of a shocking conspiracy to put Liz Truss in the House of Lords for services to the British economy and give Kwasi Kwarteng another go at chancellor, but that was obviously nowhere near as embarrassing x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x