Boris Johnson complains he was forced out by "facts and evidence"

This is a huge miscarriage of justice

Boris Johnson has resigned as an MP with immediate effect after insisting he was “forced out of parliament” because the Privileges Committee found him “guilty, regardless of the facts,” which is another was of saying he was held accountable for things he did, despite the overwhelming evidence that he did them. We are entering uncharted territory now. Gone are the days when Tories are above the rules.

Boris complained the Partygate Report “reeks of inaccuracies”, only those inaccuracies stem from the fact I helped him redact his diaries. Oops! They weren’t inaccuracies so much as omissions because I removed all mention of myself!

Surprisingly, the numerous torn-out pages did not help Johnson’s case and the question of did he or did he not have parties has finally been answered: Schrödinger's pisshead is just a regular pisshead!

Johnson insisted that social distancing had “not been perfect” during the lockdown “work meetings”, referring to a specific incident when he humped the deputy cabinet secretary’s leg, causing her to scream until Dilyn the dog came to her rescue. Johnson explained the lockdown rules as he understood them were followed at all times - and as the rules (which he wrote) did not explicitly forbid humping women’s legs, he thought that behaviour was totally fine.

Johnson referred to the Partygate Inquiry as a “kangaroo court” before hopping along to his £3.8 million mansion that a donor must’ve bought him because he spent three years telling us how broke he was. It will be interesting to see if his donors keep giving him money for no other reason than they are super-nice, since he is no longer a politician. They never wanted anything in return for those gifts, right?

Nadine Dorries (my attempted love rival who is even more obsessed than I was) resigned in solidarity with Johnson, which is funny because he used to refer to Nadine as “that drunk woman who won’t leave me alone”. Yes, the sex-pest had his own sex-pest! There are items of Downing Street furniture that got further than Nadine, but still, she stood by her imaginary man. No wonder she’s a successful mummy porn author because she clearly lives in her own fantasy world!

Now I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling mixed emotions here. I might have helped to engineer Johnson’s resignation, but prior to Liz Truss (and prior to him dumping me), Boris was unquestionably our greatest ever prime minister.

Far from feeling jubilant, I’m actually finding today rather bitter-sweet. I think I should explain:

It all started when I met with Johnson for a BBC interview but ended up flirting with him in a bar in what was the most professional moment of my career to date. (This was around the time I snarled at Jeremy Corbyn during a live TV interview.)

As you can see, we got close that night and gazed lovingly into one another’s eyes as I made hard-hitting comments like: “You’re like a child that keeps asking for a pony,” and we both giggled. This was the best interview I’ve ever done and the start of a brief, but intense, romance which culminated in Carrie pretending she was pregnant so the bastard dumped me. (I really should’ve thought of that first.)

Anyways, I helped Johnson through his greatest scandals by playing them down; relaying his texts to the gullible population, explaining the info came from a “senior Downing Street source”; and I sneered at every Labour MP I encountered. This is how impartiality works.

I gave so much for Johnson and he left me with nothing, but I’d be lying if I said I did not respect his outstanding contributions to the UK, so let us remember them now and I shall reserve my bitterness for Carrie (and to a lesser extent, Jennifer Arcuri).

Please note: I’m too lazy to ensure this is all in chronological order, or even factually accurate, so expect it to be all over the place x

In February 2016, staunch remainer Johnson became a staunch Brexiteer in what was definitely not a case of naked political opportunism. Boris called David Cameron’s Brexit concerns “greatly over exaggerated”, unaware the sentence would mean the same thing without the word “over”.

Johnson unlawfully prorogued parliament (I can’t even remember what that means) and he even lied to the queen to get his own way, but the point is Boris got Brexit done and it all worked out brilliantly.

Northern Ireland got the border it desperately wanted with the mainland; the economy went into freefall and our food shelves became empty; and Tory donors got to continue dodging taxes, I mean the people got sovereignty. The British public overwhelmingly agrees Brexit has been a roaring success.

Given his huge popularity, Johnson decided power grabs were what we needed from Brexit sovereignty and he decided he wanted to ban the courts from overturning his unlawful decisions, and even remove government watchdogs. Truly, he was our greatest ever attempted dictator.

At one point, Johnson received heavy condemnation from his ethics adviser so he did the most ethical thing imaginable and ditched his ethics adviser.

Never has a prime minister taken his prime ministerial responsibilities more seriously than Johnson. For example, there was the time he spent the outbreak of the pandemic lying on a beach in Mustique (paid for by a donor) while he missed not one, not two, not three, but six Cobra meetings!

When he did finally get to work, he implemented the VIP lane and crony contracts and didn’t bother buying PPE for ages - and when he did buy PPE, it didn’t work! Our NHS heroes might have been put at serious risk, but at least Michelle Mone got a beautiful yacht and some brilliant selfies for Instagram.

Due to the urgency of the situation, Johnson put aside £37 billion for Dido Harding to give us a broken test and trace system - and this sadly meant we had no money to feed school children or keep care homes safe.

Thankfully, Matt Hancock solved the care home problem by killing as many residents as possible, giving him a body count of approximately 357 Harold Shipmans.

“Let the bodies pile high” turned out to be the most honest statement since that time Boris said “fuck business” - he was, of course, referring to businesses that don’t donate to the Tories.

Johnson’s government gave out billions in Covid loans to fraudsters which it later wrote off (because it had given the money to fraudsters), but that’s not the point. The point is Johnson hosted the greatest quiz nights and karaoke nights in the history of Downing Street. It’s just unfortunate those nights came at a time when he’d made such behaviour illegal. Johnson assured us those quizzes and karaokes were simply “work meetings” which was the most believable cover story since Dominic Cummings said he went to Barnard Castle for an eye test.

Sadly, Johnson’s reign as prime minister came to an end when he knowingly promoted sex offender Chris Pincher and lied about what he knew. (In Johnson’s defence, he grew up witnessing similar behaviour from his father and thought it was okay). Chris Pincher was not the only sex scandal either, there was Imran Ahmad Khan who was jailed for being a paedophile and Neil Parrish who was twice caught watching porn on his phone in parliament.

And then there was Matt Hancock who got a boner while getting interviewed on live TV and was caught snogging his aide on CCTV during lockdown, despite being a married father of three. And then there was Stanley Johnson groping everything in sight.

Fun fact: 50% of the sex offender’s register is made up of perverts who are, or were, Tory members!

If Johnson’s government offered one thing, it was strong male role models. If it offered another thing, it was female empowerment. This is why Johnson’s home secretary and puppy fur representative Priti Patel has just been made a dame for services to monstrous evil.

If we can celebrate 13 years of Tory rule for one thing more than anything else, it’s the admirable way they’ve handled corruption.

Owen Paterson was found guilty of egregious paid advocacy on behalf of donors, but thankfully Johnson was let off after doing the same for the donors that bought Carrie the most expensive ugly wallpaper ever and built a park in the garden for Wilfred (fake baby no. 1). The Tories were actually fined £178,000 for failing to declare this, but thankfully Johnson was not jailed. This is because anti-corruption rules are only in place for nurses who accept a box of chocolates from the public.

Johnson has achieved so much during his political career, I don’t even have time to get through it all now because I want to do my nails. For example, there was the time he got Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe’s prison sentence extended by saying she was training journalists when she wasn’t!

And I’ve not even mentioned all the racist things Johnson’s said like calling Muslim women “letterboxes” and black people “piccaninnies”. And then there was the time he was recorded plotting to have a journalist beaten up and absolutely nothing happened! I honestly can’t believe the Tories got rid of him, given how widely loved he was.

Given the unfortunate turn of events, I approached Johnson’s close friend President Zelensky for comment and I think we should let him have the last word on the matter:

“Thank fuck that idiot won’t be flying to Ukraine for any more photoshoots. We have enough on our plates with Putin and we don’t need that twat embarrassing us again!”

Indeed x

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