Boris Johnson looks set to be found guilty of talking crap
Looks like he misled parliament after all
I’m told the controversial former prime minister and ex-lover of the internet’s finest journalist has been given the initial findings of the partygate inquiry. I understand Boris has been given a “warning letter” which would be indicative of a guilty verdict.
It looks like the privileges committee has decided the work meetings at which Boris wrapped a tie around his head and knocked back Jägerbombs while Thérèse Coffey bellowed “I will survive” were parties after all. I can’t fathom this logic either. It would appear the person who helped Boris redact his crayon diaries (me) really screwed him over. Oh well.
Johnson has kindly been given an opportunity to respond to the criticisms in the warning letter and I’m just praying he’s stupid enough to ask me for help again! We have until late July until this thing comes to a conclusion and honestly, I’m like a school kid waiting for Christmas.
A guilty verdict could lead to the end of Johnson’s glittering political career - 57% of which he spent with his trousers down. A suspension of ten days or more would lead to a by-election in Uxbridge and South Ruislip - and given that 32% of the constituents are his adult children who he never paid child support, and the other 68% are people he’s at least tried it on with, the signs are not looking good. Everyone hates him.
Worryingly for Boris, the warning letter is said to contain “facts and evidence” which are like his Kryptonite - his biggest weakness apart from contraception.
I understand the former prime minister is now deeply regretting not banning the weaponisation of “facts and evidence” against Tories. This inquiry could set a dangerous precedent which ends up bringing the entire government down. I’m sure you’re as concerned as I am.
Interestingly, MPs will have to endorse the findings of the privileges committee with a parliamentary vote and given they’re all corrupt bastards, they could easily ignore “facts and evidence”, but they’re torn between their hatred for Boris and their concern they could be next. This one could go either way.
Now I’m not sure if Nadine Dorries is still an MP (she’s not sure either), but if she is, that’s one vote Boris can definitely count on. Perhaps the only one. I wouldn’t be surprised if Nadine drains the drinks cabinet and offers to fight everyone again. I still remember the scenes when she grabbed a broom and spent six hours swinging at photographers during Johnson’s resignation. God only knows how far she could go this time.
Apparently, an MP who I’ve never heard of called Margaret Ferrier was suspended for 30 days after breaking Covid rules and I’m told she didn’t even sing on the karaoke, let alone try and shag a clothes horse.
Given that Johnson has already been fined by police for breaking lockdown, it would be really awkward if he was let off the hook now. We could end up in a position where Johnson both did and did not have parties - Schrödinger's pisshead.
Even if Johnson does resign in disgrace, you will be pleased to know he’s getting his resignation honour’s list so the Tories can stuff more cronies into the super-democratic House of Lords.
Sadly though, two Tory MPs had to be taken off the list to avoid by-elections because all potential replacements are so unlikeable their own parents wouldn’t vote for them. (Astonishingly, most Tories do have living parents because although they all look about 102, they are typically only about 50.)
Controversially, Stanley Johnson (the father of Boris who once slapped the arse of Caroline Nokes as hard as he could and claimed to have no recollection) has been removed from the list. Apparently, it would have “looked terrible” for the man who has already honoured his brother to knight his father, Sir Grope-a-lot. Instead, Johnson will only be knighting people who gave the Tories lots of money and paid for Carrie to redecorate.
Anyways, whoever gets on the list will go down in history as the only people to be honoured by a man who resigned in disgrace as prime minister and, if he gets found guilty, resigned even as an MP. As you can see, our political system is functioning perfectly and this is a totally normal island x
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I’m honestly surprised they got him to capitulate to NOT giving his domestic abuse loving father a knighthood. They must have bribed him with a lamb chop and a copy of Playboy.
thought this person had already resigned, some time back!