British Gas thrilled to announce they have made a killing

In this case, it was quite literally!

It’s not everyday I can bring happy news because lots of terrible things are happening right now, not least the invasion of aliens who keep crashing their spaceships into American soil, blissfully unaware other countries exist, but today I have a feel good story. This one is going to perk you right up!

British Gas has reported an 889% increase in profits in the first half of the year, racking up a sensational £969 million! In contrast, British Gas only made £98 million at this point last year. British Gas owner, Centrica, saw profits rise by a whopping 1,900% to £1.4 billion and Shell made £3.9 billion in just three months. Anyone who is unhappy about this is obviously jealous of success.

The only companies whose shares are soaring faster than the energy companies are the guillotine manufacturers so if you’re looking to buy stocks, they would be a brilliant investment. A British Gas spokesperson was quick to reassure the public the bumper profits were due to forces entirely beyond their control, such as unbridled boardroom corruption. Here is a heart eyes emoji to express how giddy I am:

Corporate profits are responsible for 60% of inflation, but sadly no one can think of a way to slow inflation down, not even the politicians who are owned by corporations. It’s not like taxing the shit out of profits would help us transition to clean energy to avoid an influx of refugees when wild fire reduces southern Europe to ash.

Poverty campaigners insist the profits are a sign of “Britain’s broken energy system”, but both parties agree nothing should be done, and anyone who says “nationalisation” should be thrown into the North Sea, near the Teesworks industrial waste dumping facility.

The British people are desperately looking forward to their meaningful democratic options in 2024, so they can choose which party is going to do absolutely nothing about this.

It’s fair to say none of the profiteering would’ve been possible before privatisation because only the free market can be this efficient at reaching into your pockets and providing nothing in return. Just think, state-owned British Gas would’ve been under pressure to reduce bills and improve infrastructure - and dividends would not be a thing. How would that be value for money?

Remember earlier in the year when the government said your energy bill was a necessary sacrifice to help Ukrainians win the war against Russia and anyone who disagreed was a traitor? Well, you’re going to need to sit down for this one, but it turns out this was bollocks. They were making you wake up to frost on your windows out of pure spite!

Your energy bills have nothing to do with Russia and the people who explained this to you were not doing Putin’s bidding, but what’s important is you hate the people who were on your side!

Wholesale gas prices are cheaper than they were at the start of the war, but the price cap remains £1,000 higher because you were emotionally manipulated into supporting your own exploitation to satiate corporate profiteering.

I particularly like how the people who manufactured the crisis tricked you into paying increasingly high bills to tackle their manufactured crisis. Even better, you will fall for this sort of trick again and again because the British people are nothing if not gullible. Remember, the UK is the fairest country on Earth and all other countries are corrupt apart from ours.

British Gas has paid tribute to the 1,000 vulnerable people who passed away in December 2022 because they could not afford heating during the cold snap. This was in part due to the heroic efforts of British Gas bailiffs who broke into homes throughout winter to install prepayment metres, even when bills were up to date. If you are one of those British Gas bailiffs, I’m sure you will be sleeping soundly tonight, just like all monsters without a soul x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x