Co-presenter gives harrowing account of time with Phillip Schofield

This will chill you to the bone

I recently caught up with Phillip Schofield’s best-known and most well-regarded co-presenter and former best friend. No, not, Holly Willoughby! I mean the other one, the one that didn’t jump the coffin queue. Yes, that’s right! TV legend Gordon the gopher.

I spoke with Gordon in a rehab clinic in Oldham because he is currently battling his demons and looks a bit of a mess to be honest - his hair is grey and his teeth are falling out because 39 is really old for a gopher (they normally live to three). Gordon has lost none of his sharpness though, and was quick to emphasise his problems with drugs and alcohol are entirely down to “that bastard, Phil”.

Here is what Gordon had to tell me after putting his false teeth in:

“Now you might have been shocked to discover what Phil had been doing to a teenage boy, but I wasn’t. For years, he was putting his hand up my, my… I can’t even say it aloud. I still have have nightmares, but that’s not even the worst of it, because as well as taking advantage, just because he’s bigger than me, Phil’s a… a massive fucking Tory.”

At this point I frowned and said, “Is that not a good thing?” but Gordon snarled like he was going to whack me with his walking stick so I shut up and let him talk.

“No, it’s not a fucking good thing! Remember that bloke who had all the parties while everyone was dying? The other one who couldn’t keep it in his pants? The one who was prime minister but spent all his time getting pissed and groping secretaries - and then promoted a known sex offender?”

“Fucking Boris!” I said, “Bastard dumped me for Carrie because she fell pregnant with a fake baby. Don’t know what I ever saw in him. Bloke can’t even brush his own hair, or zip up his trousers.” At this point, we laughed and it was clear Gordon and I were finding common ground through our mutual hatred of my ex.

“Yes, Boris the bastard! The bloke who has more children than me and I have a litter of five to six babies every year, although to be fair, I’ve been known to eat one or two when I’m feeling peckish. Hey, don’t judge me, at least I pay child support!

“Well, anyways, Boris came on the show once, and do you know what Phil and Holly did? They took selfies with him. They treated Boris like their best buddy. A week before, they had the Labour leader on and Phil spent the entire time screaming ‘Apologise!’ like he was some kind of racist, but when Phil had an actual racist in front of him, he acted like they were best buddies. The sheer hypocrisy…

“Boris once wrote a book that contained so many racial slurs, some of them hadn’t been heard since the 1800s. It was like a thesaurus of racism and then there’s the fact he served in a government that deported British citizens because they had the wrong skin colour.

“I hid in Holly’s handbag because I thought he was going to send me to somewhere in Central America that I’ve never visited. I’m not sure if you’re aware but gophers are not native to these isles and it was a bit weird that Phil even had a gopher, to be honest. A rabbit or an owl would’ve made more sense and would’ve spared me a whole load of torment.

“I’m still coming to terms with the years of abuse at the hand of Phil and also his years of blatant Toryism. The bastard clapped for austerity and crony contracts but not the nurses; he described Nadine Dorries as a ‘good egg’ and tried to help Suella Braverman arrange a speed awareness course; he even had the nerve to take a selfie next to our dead Queen when he’d previously supported the proroguing of parliament.

“And did you know he was a massive fan of that other Tory idiot, Liz Truss? He even went on the lash with Kwasi Kwarteng when the mini-budget was announced. I was just grateful he didn’t drag me along because I dread to think what those two got up to and my cocaine days are well and truly behind me.

“I’m surprised Phil didn’t invite Liz and Kwasi onto This Morning to take selfies, but then again, he would’ve been there all day. They would’ve had to call the show ‘This Morning and This Afternoon’. Can you imagine how long Liz would’ve kept everyone waiting while she tried on hats so she could get the perfect shot for Instagram?

“I do know that Phil invited Keir Starmer onto the show so he could scream at him to apologise for Liz Truss blowing a massive hole in the economy, but fortunately, Keir told him to get lost and said he’s more of an Eamonn Holmes fan. I’m not sure if that’s any better though…”

At this point, we wrapped up the interview and Gordon sobbed on my shoulder for a few minutes. It was really awkward because I wanted to get away so I flushed him down the toilet and ran out of the building, but he deserved it because he’s clearly a Labour supporter and he eats his babies x

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