Dishonoured man honours his cronies in totally legit process

British democracy is alive and well

Boris Johnson may have sacrificed his honour by resigning in disgrace, but you will be pleased to know that in the process, he has bestowed honours upon many others. It’s fair to say, Johnson has come up with the most prestigious honours list since Harold Shipman dished out his “NHS Heroes” awards from his prison cell.

There was concern over whether the list would be given the green light so Johnson pleaded with the Chat GPT-powered Sunak to accept his resignation honours - and he threatened to remove its battery if it didn’t comply. (The biggest danger of putting AI in charge is that it can be so easily blackmailed by anyone with fingers.) Thankfully, Johnson terrified Sunak into compliance, proving that AI is sentient because Sunak can feel the same fear that Dalmatians feel in the presence of Priti Patel.

In a truly selfless act, Johnson gave awards to all of his cronies who helped enable the most corrupt government in our history and they gladly accepted without hesitation. Obviously, the most honourable thing these people could do was accept an award from a disgraced former prime minister. This reflects really well on their character.

Among the deserving winners, are these notable individuals:

• Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has broken a glass ceiling by becoming the first member of the undead to be awarded a knighthood. He is also the oldest person ever to be knighted at 357 years old and shall henceforth be known as Sir Dracula of Pennsylvania. Or is it Transylvania? I get mixed up.

• Michael Lubricant, who has been awarded a knighthood for surviving a terrifying imaginary assault last year in which someone yelled at him. Sadly, Sir Mick’s hairpiece was not honoured, despite surviving the same attack, and it crawled away in a huff, only to be torn to pieces by Dilyn the dog who mistook it for a rodent. RIP.

• Priti Patel, who has been awarded a female knighthood (sorry, I can’t remember the proper term) for boosting the production of puppy fur coats by 76% during the pandemic. This helped billionaires stay warm when their central heating was cut off last winter (because even billionaires couldn’t afford their energy bills).

• Martin Reynolds (Johnson’s former principal private secretary) who has been honoured for services to Tory morale. Reynolds is the one who sent the famous “bring your own booze” email which resulted in some of the most epic lockdown parties ever. No. 10 was London’s party destination during the pandemic because everywhere else was closed. It’s hard to think of anyone who has behaved more honourably than Reynolds and this award is truly deserved.

• Jack Doyle (Johnson’s former communications chief during partygate) who has been honoured for coming up with the most brazen lies ever. Obviously, trying and failing to get a prime minister off the hook when he’s repeatedly broken his own laws is a totally honourable thing to do. I’m sure you will be thrilled to refer to Jack as “Sir” from now on because he’s definitely much better than you.

Sadly, Nadine Dorries wasn’t honoured to help the Tories avoid a by-election, so, after realising she was still an MP, Nadine got her revenge by resigning and forcing a by-election.

Nadine actually thought she’d resigned a year ago, which is why she took a fake job at Gbeebies, stopped attending parliament and went on a 12-month bender. You can imagine her confusion when she finally sobered up and discovered she was still an MP. Thankfully, that’s been sorted now and she’s back on the piss.

Fortunately, Johnson has packed seven more peers into the House of Lords which already has more members than the UK has constituencies. The Parliamentary Constituencies Act 2020 states there cannot be more than 650 constituencies in the UK, but you will be pleased to know the Tories can pack over 800 people into the House of Lords and that’s fine.

This is definitely not a way of subverting democracy and our current honour’s system in no way undermines those who’ve genuinely accomplished something by tarring them with the same brush as Johnson’s cronies x

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