Dominic Raab reinstated as deputy prime minister

Rishi Sunak feels he has served his sentence

Yesterday, I exclusively reported that Dominic Raab had resigned as deputy prime minister. No one else knew about this, but as the internet’s finest journalist and personal friend of Larry the cat, I was able to break the story first. Let’s be honest, this is why you subscribe to me.

Understandably, my exclusive caused a huge deal of upset because this resignation followed an obvious miscarriage of justice. An inquiry had found Dominic guilty of bullying, but it completely overlooked the fact he is a Tory and allowed to do these sorts of things. Thankfully, the prime minister has seen sense and reinstated Dominic before Priti Patel battered the shit out of him.

I understand part of the reason for Dominic’s reinstatement is that he was lying on a beach in Greece during the investigation and could not reasonably be expected to defend himself. I also understand Priti dragged Rishi behind the bike sheds, bent his arm behind his back and said: “You’d better do the right thing, rich boy.”

Dominic had insisted the threshold for bullying was set “too low” and should not include humiliating staff until they are in tears or throwing up. His supporters explained the civil servants who complained were “snowflakes” and if they couldn’t cope with being called “utterly useless” and “woeful” they should be sacked.

Unbelievably, some people had objected to Dominic calling Gina Miller a “silly bitch” while they were standing in a lift. Obviously, something must be done about this nonsense because it’s getting ridiculous now. First, we lost intellectual giant Gavin Williamson to bullying accusations, and then we almost lost our first cyborg consisting of living tissue over a robotic endoskeleton.

To prevent a repeat, the government is looking at changing the law to ensure that civil servants are not allowed to raise bullying complaints.

This whole affair shows two things: the first is that the prime minister is big on discipline and prepared to make tough decisions for the good of the party, I mean country. The second is that he believes in rehabilitation and he’s so good at rehabilitating people, he can bring them back quickly, like he did when Suella Braverman blackmailed him.

I’m sure we can all agree the prime minister has handled this matter just as well as the time he tried to let Nadhim Zahawi off for lying about his dodgy tax arrangements.

At this morning’s press conference, I asked Rishi what would happen to Oliver Dowden to which he replied “Who?” and I reminded him he was deputy prime minister for 14 and a half hours. Poor Oliver was in earshot at the time and the moment was pretty awkward so I quickly moved on.

Shortly after, Dominic made a statement in which he said: “I’m glad to be back and I’m still not fucking sorry.” He then went into an inspiring rant about getting the remainer plotters and making those woeful bastards pay for their mistakes.

I understand Home Secretary Suella Braverman is looking at sending “activist civil servants” to Rwanda with no right of appeal. As a staunch supporter of human rights, she is prepared to leave the ECHR to achieve this, if need be. Personally, I would flush their heads down the toilet until they agreed never to do anything like this again x

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