Donald Trump puts mugshot on exciting range of merchandise

Capitalists never miss an opportunity to capitalise

America’s most respected intellectual, Donald Trump, suffered the humiliation of having his mugshot released after he was arrested in Georgia for trying to change the outcome of the 2020 US presidential election.

Trump has, of course, protested his innocence with the same level of believability of Vladimir Putin insisting Prigozhin’s jet fell out of the sky of its own accord. Thankfully, Trump was released after paying $200,000 bail which was his prostitute money for the week.

Trump’s mugshot was released alongside kindhearted philanthropists like Rudy Giuliani and a bunch of people I’ve not heard of. Police revealed Trump was 6’3” and 215 lbs on the day of his arrest, meaning he has lost two stone and gained an inch since changing his human costume. Trump had trimmed his horns for the occasion because it’s important to always look your best, even when you’re in Fulton County Jail. Unfortunately, his fake tan and toupee were so bright, police needed a tinted lens to reduce the glare. On the plus side, the mugshot really captured Trump’s demonic aura.

The arrest was a strange moment for Americans because their prisons are supposed to be for poor black men not rich white men. There is concern that if you charge one US president for his crimes, you would have to charge all of them for their crimes, meaning the International Criminal Court could soon have its hands full.

Trump argued police should go after the “real criminals”, but the prosecutor retorted “that’s exactly what we’re doing”, adding: “American Presidents are not supposed to change the outcome of our elections, they’re only supposed to change the outcome of elections in the global south.”

Trump screeched that all he was guilty of was disputing the outcome of an election, as is his democratic right. He then popped over to incel safe space Truth Social to complain about the “STOLLEN (sic) ELECTION”.

Never mind the spelling, if you see something written in block capitals on social media, you can be certain those words are coming from a rational, well-balanced individual - and Truth Social has ALL THE RATIONAL, WELL-BALANCED INDIVIDUALS.

Trump boasted a video he shared (but has since been deleted) received 231,000,000 views, making it the biggest social media video ever with more than double the number of viewers of the Super Bowl.

NOTE: The Super Bowl is something to do with an American version of rugby where fragile players feel the need to wear body armour and helmets. They mistakenly call this game “football” and to date, no one has bothered to correct them. Bless x

As Trump so eloquently explained, his arrest was a “travesty of justice” but also a brilliant promotional opportunity and we all know capitalists never let an opportunity go to waste. Therefore, Trump immediately called for campaign donations.

Trump is the first American president to ever have a mugshot taken, meaning his mugshot is unquestionably better than Joe Biden’s mugshot. In fact, Trump was so proud of the mugshot, he posted it to X, making his first appearance on the platform since he was banned by Twitter.

I understand Trump is already putting the mugshot on a range of merchandise like t-shirts and mugs which he hopes to sell to the same geniuses who ate Trump steaks and attended Trump University.

It’s fair to say Trump appeals to people who are absolutely desperate for political change. Trump might be the only person in America who could change things for the worse and that’s why he is the Republicans’ leading candidate.

His mugs and t-shirts include the words “NEVER SURRENDER” so please don’t mention that Trump did indeed surrender to the police. Let’s be honest, it would’ve been more exciting if he’d put on a buffalo hat and gone down fighting, but self-sacrifice is just for his unwitting pawns. Trump even says as much when he insists: “They’re not after me, they’re after you”, but this elevates him to martyr status in the eyes of adoring fascists. This is why his approval ratings went up after his arrest - and people say there is no hope for America.

In his last term, President Trump proved such a roaring success that Americans crawled over broken glass to vote for anyone but him, but I’m absolutely certain things will be different this time.

Mark my words, Trump is going to be president again. Mexico is going pay for that fucking wall and it will fucking well have lasers on it x

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