Donald Trump to be arrested for borrowing nuclear secrets

Obviously, this is a massive witch hunt

America’s foremost intellectual, Donald Trump, says he expects to be arrested after being told he is the target of an FBI investigation. During the announcement, Trump’s hairpiece (which came from the same litter as Michael Fabricant’s) jumped from his head and crawled through an open window where it was sadly snatched by a bald eagle.

Now I’m no expert on US politics, but I’m pretty sure the background to the story goes something like this:

Trump was sad that Joe Biden rigged the 2020 election by persuading more people to vote for him, so his friends organised a party in the US Capitol to cheer him up. The party got out of hand when a bunch of rednecks with squirrels on their heads killed five people, and because of this, US authorities have got it in for poor Donald. It all sounds so unfair.

Trump issued a defiant statement on Truth Social, the internet’s only safe space for aspiring mass shooters who feel Elon Musk’s Twitter is too left-wing for their liking.

Unfortunately, the only words I could make sense of in Trump’s statement were “witch hunt”. This is because Trump is so smart, he invented his own system of grammar with a unique placement of capitals and unorthodox spellings. This system enables him to confuse AIs monitoring his communications which are almost completely unintelligible. Only Trump’s supporters are smart enough to make sense of his posts. The rest of us are idiots.

Trump is such a genius, he pioneered the unknown Covid cure of injecting bleach into your butt that big pharma is hiding from us. If you are a Trump supporter, please heed his expert medical advice and let the woke mob ignore him. Natural selection will do its thing.

As everyone knows, Trump has impeccable character, having only been arrested a couple of times, sexually assaulted 26 women, and committed at least 37 other crimes, so I can’t for the life of me see how anyone is taking this seriously.

I understand President Biden is pissed off that Trump kept some nuclear secrets because taking souvenirs from the Whitehouse is considered a “breach of national security”. Next, they’ll be telling us Trump can’t sell this stuff to the Romulans to pay his legal fees.

Trump has had nothing but grief since the deep state unfairly targeted him by demanding he be held accountable for things he’s done, such as falsifying business records so he could hide his romance with a woman who was besotted with his affectionate personality and the world’s least noticeable spray tan.

My good friend Stormy was so infatuated with Trump, she even sent me one of his nudes and honestly, it was like a decomposing log with something alien growing out of it, but at least Trump compensates with intelligence and charisma.

Trump might be the victim of a witch hunt, but thankfully, he has support from all the finest individuals, such as Marjorie Taylor Greene, a changeling from a rogue planet in the delta quadrant, who tweeted: “I stand with Donald Trump,” followed by nine US flags because eight flags would upset patriots. Only nine flags can get them sufficiently aroused.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is Trump’s most trusted adviser and she is loved by patriots because she called for “Marshall law” to help overturn the 2020 election results. I’m pretty sure Marshall is an alias of Dog the Bounty Hunter or is it Walker Texas Ranger? Anyways, I’ve no idea why Trump didn’t ask Marshall to sort things out. This was his biggest mistake.

Regardless, Trump is optimistic he can convince a jury of his innocence in his four upcoming trials because he is every bit as articulate as your drunk grandfather yelling into a hairdryer and has the self-confidence of a seagull snatching a sandwich from your hand at the beach. Trump is equally optimistic that 82 million Americans will be stupid enough to vote for him in 2024.

Trump’s loving wife, Melania, is optimistic he’ll get a long time behind bars so she can start a new life with the hot guy who cleans the swimming pool x

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