Elon Musk visits apartheid state for nostalgia

It brought back memories of his childhood

Israel's genocide of the Palestinians has proven to be a moral dilemma for the man who bought Twitter for $43 billion to get a few extra likes and boost his favourite far-right commentators.

On the one hand, Mr Musk does not seem particularly fond of Jews, but on the other hand, several corporations threatened to pull their ads from Twitter unless he turned his app into a pro-genocide propaganda outlet. Also, he does not seem particularly fond of Palestinians.

When it came down to it, Musk was always going to side with his pocket, but to make his decision easier, Benjamin Netanyahu invited him to Israel, explaining the apartheid over there is even better than the one in South Africa. Suddenly, Musk could feel the anti-Semitism leaving his body.

He flew over to Israel where Netanyahu explained all about the segregation which means Arabs have to walk in roadside ditches so they don’t come too close to Israelis. He spoke about the food rationing and how they sometimes ban Palestinians from collecting rain water because they can. He even boasted that Palestinians aren’t allowed to celebrate when their children are released from prison because public displays of emotion might make them appear human.

“We really should have done this in South Africa,” Musk lamented.

“Your country went wrong when it let the natives have their land back. Apartheid will only end here when the natives have been exterminated or flushed into the Sinai desert,” Netanyahu insisted.

“Why do you want their land so badly anyway? Am I to assume they have an emerald mine?” Musk enquired.

“Oil and gas, plus some really nice beaches,” Netanyahu said, adding: “We told everyone god promised all this to us, and we accused everyone who disagreed of racism until they got fired. We nearly got you fired from Twitter and you’re the boss!” Netanyahu chuckled and Musk turned pale.

The pair spoke for hours and the perspective Musk was given was so unbiased, he had no need to visit the giant rubble heap of Gaza for additional context. He had suggested meeting residents of Gaza city to ask their perspective, but it was quietly explained the city no longer has residents, apart from a few asthmatic pigeons.

Musk learned so much from his visit to Israel that he returned to Twitter to tell users they were no longer allowed to use the words “martyred” or “murdered” to describe civilians who’ve been murdered by Israel. It is still fine to describe Israeli casualties as being murdered though. This is because Elon is remaining neutral so the ad money from Apple and Disney can flow into the free speech app.

As part of their truce, Musk agreed to give Netanyahu the details of every pro-Palestinian account on Twitter so Jackson Hinkle can be added to their targeted bombing campaign. Musk will be kept off the kill-list as long as he behaves himself.

It was clear Musk had learned his lesson when he tweeted:

“The rebuttal is often made that, well, Israel has killed civilians also in Gaza, but there is an important difference here, which is that Israel tries to avoid killing civilians, and there's no sort of joy expressed.”

This is perfectly true, apart from the fact Israel has killed thirteen times more people than Hamas did on October 7th and 90% of the casualties are civilians.

Israel has engaged in precision carpet-bombing that has killed more UN workers than Hamas leaders while Israeli girls have posted dance videos on TikTok that are in no way celebratory. The fact the Israeli president said Gaza has “no innocent civilians” has no relevance whatsoever.

Let’s not forget all 7,000 of those kids could recite Mein Kampf word for word and those babies on ventilators were experts with throwing knives. Therefore, if you say they were murdered by Israel, you are a bad person x

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