Epstein and Gaza are being used to distract from the real story: aliens

They don't want you talking about the Miami shopping mall

Please stop talking about how Epstein's paedophile ring might have been used to blackmail western politicians by the colonisers who are committing genocide in Gaza. These things are intended to distract you from the real story: aliens in a Miami shopping mall.

Now you probably missed this story because the Men in Black are erasing the memories of anyone who talks about it, but giant aliens terrorised the world’s most rational people (Americans) on new year’s day. The alien invasion attracted the type of police response usually reserved for a black man with a broken tail light.

Dozens of police cars arrived at the scene with the type of firepower the Ukrainian army could only dream about. Eye witnesses say the cops started shooting at the aliens, but I’m struggling to believe this element of the story because the cops didn’t kill a single bystander. Still, the rest of the story is totally believable.

While conspiracy theorists are claiming half the people on the Hollywood Walk of Fame hung around on Magic Island™, the sensibles are focusing on the basketball players in latex costumes. Only an idiot would talk about how the king’s brother spent weeks at a time in one of Epstein’s bedrooms and had daily “massages” from underage sex slaves.

The truth is all of the famous people on the Epstein client list had no idea what was going on when they visited Magic Island™. It just never occurred to them to ask why children were sitting on the knees of grown men with wandering hands.

Anyways, I can confirm those aliens travelled from Zeta Reticuli so they could run naked through a parking lot (that’s the American name for a car park) and dare the most trigger-happy beings in the universe (US cops) to shoot them.

This is the real story. The fact the Met Police have launched an investigation into war crimes in Gaza is not important. It’s expected the Met will find “nothing to see here”, just like they did with the Boris Johnson scandals that happened in front of their eyes.

A police spokesperson lamented they are obliged to investigate war crimes by international law, and as none of their people have been compromised, they are sadly blackmail proof. The only hope is for the UK government to start dishing out titles like they usually do when they’re in trouble. A lot of senior police officers could be about to move into the House of Lords in exchange for their deliberate incompetence.

The newspapers are understandably outraged by the Met’s investigation and are saying police should use their resources to fight real criminals, such as the people who hold up blank pieces of paper.

An Israeli spokesperson said police had better come to the right conclusion, otherwise we’re going to be hearing lots of stories about how the Met is institutionally anti-Semitic, just like the Labour Party when it decided to recognise Palestine as a country. Who knows, we might even see another investigation from the EHRC.

Clearly, the path of least resistance is to ignore international law, just like we do every time a country in the middle-east needs us to export democracy in a manner that’s highly lucrative for the military industrial complex.

The UN has warned that Gaza is uninhabitable with 85% of the population displaced, but it’s perfectly reasonable to render countries uninhabitable in the name of “self-defence”. If we can’t look the other way when war crimes are taking place, when can we look the other way?

Let’s face it: if the aliens gave us the opportunity to have world peace or a device that causes unimaginable human suffering, most of our politicians would choose the latter. Suella Braverman would consider that device a sex toy.

No one is sure why aliens who’ve mastered physics-defying technologies are obsessed with stupid primates who can’t leave their own solar system because they’re too obsessed with internet porn and blowing each other up, they just are. The biggest concern facing humanity is not World War III or the climate crisis, it’s what if the aliens do to humans what humans do to humans? That would be fucking terrible.

What’s that? You want to know what the aliens’ policies are because you’re considering embracing them as your new leaders because they couldn’t possibly be worse than our current leaders?

Oh, I can assure you their policies are dreadful! They want to do horrible things to Americans like abolish student debt, give them universal healthcare and ban something called The View (you don’t want to know). As you can see, the aliens’ vision for America would be horrendous. The human vision that involves spending all our money on bombs and mass surveillance is much better.

In this era of fearless truth-telling, ethnic cleansing has been rebranded as “humanitarian emigration” to make the ones doing ethnic cleansing look better, but some are determined to undermine our efforts.

The anti-genocide extremists in the French government have said Israel does not have the right to decide the future of Gaza. Apparently, they now believe in “self-determination” because it’s the only way to stop the French public from rioting.

As you can see, it’s incredibly dangerous to let the public have a say on the issues that matter. Just look at what is happening to McDonald’s. America’s leading health-food producer is facing a boycott just because it sent Big Mac Meals to IDF soldiers. A McDonald’s spokesperson complained that “misinformation” is hurting their sales. Clearly, you lot don’t know McDonald’s is part of the Palestinian resistance. You don’t want to know what they put into those burgers - and this is the thanks they get?

Perhaps the saddest part of this story is how conspiracy theorists just won’t stop coming out with nonsense. Obviously, it’s ridiculous to suggest the people who hang around in paedophile rings might stage an alien invasion to distract you from their philanthropy.

Sure, there was another “high-end sex ring” in the Boston and D.C. areas being used as a honeypot scheme, but I’m more interested in talking about how the aliens got here. Do you think they have faster than light propulsion or wormholes? What’s that? There was another paedophile ring in Puerto Rico? And another one in the Caribbean islands? Fucking hell, you billionaires are not making my job easy, are you? x

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