Establishment holds emergency meeting to come up with smear for Corbyn's new party

The establishment has gone into panic mode after Jeremy Corbyn launched a website where people can sign up to support his new party. Disgracefully, Corbyn has not yet named the new party, meaning Sir Keir Starmer can't even proscribe it.

As you can imagine, the client journalists Whatsapp group has gone mental as we discuss this new threat to greed and inequality. We do not want a repeat of 2015 where we came up with about 100 failed smears before settling on one that got traction. Apparently, Corbyn not bowing properly didn't "count as a proper scandal". Honestly, you lot are hard to please.

Anyway, Labour Friends of Israel organised an emergency meeting with journalists that was chaired by none other than Starmer himself. After gruelling talks, we came up with a strategy, and this one is clever because it kills two birds with one stone:

We have decided it is the fault of Corbyn's new party that Israel has spent the last two years committing genocide.

This line is going to be pushed by every mainstream media outlet on the left and right. The consensus among the media will be all the proof we need that what we are saying is true. The outlets that never agree on petty things, would never agree on a smear unless it was the honest truth, would they? The establishment just doesn't work like that.

You will reassured to hear the EHRC is launching an investigation into the new party's role in genocide. Anyone who denies the problem is part of the problem and will be arrested by counter-terrorism police. I have been doing some digging into the new party and the things I have made up, I mean found out, are truly horrifying:

It turns out that Jeremy Corbyn illegally funnelled $1 billion of Qatari money to Hamas. Okay, you're right, that one was Netanyahu, but we're blaming Corbyn now! We are also blaming him for ignoring the repeated intelligence warnings about October 7th.

If you think Corbyn sounds bad enough, just wait until you hear about his second-in-command, Zarah Sultana. It turns out Sultana somehow tricked Israel into giving the order for the Hannibal Directive. Now you understand why it has been necessary to make racist cartoons about her.

Predictably, Corbyn's new party is being flooded with people who made Zionists feel like victims by factually discussing the things Zionists do. It was Corbynistas telling the truth about Zionism that led to Israel feeling isolated and getting carried away with itself in Gaza. If people say mean things to you on the internet, committing genocide is a very human response.

Now that we have identified the cause of the Gaza genocide, we have exonerated ourselves from our role in enabling it. Turns out the reason we overlooked what was happening in Gaza is that we were focused on the much bigger threat of Corbynistas who were right about everything. It was not possible for us to tackle the Corbynista threat and tell the truth, meaning we were forced to lie. I am sure you can appreciate the difficult position we were in, but at least we have a solution.

We can now look forward to the International Criminal Court finding Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana guilty of genocide. With any luck, we will be able to hang them and a bunch of their supporters too, and even some of the people who threw them under a bus like James O'Brien. That will be the best way to ease our guilty conscience x

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