I know you totally did not see this coming, but Prince Andrew has been named in the Epstein court documents. Yes, the man who has the same magic blood as Charles and is one horrible accident away from becoming king has been accused of committing more sickening crimes.
So many women are coming forward, it’s feared even Andrew might be unable to pay them off, even with the help of the king who looted three continents. No wonder Andrew has put Sure for Men on today, he is going to need all the protection he can get.
One worrying aspect of the allegations is that traitors like Sir Keir Starmer are saying police should investigate our favourite prince (well, favourite now that Charles has been promoted).
Some people are so outraged by the false claims, they actually think we should kick Andrew out of a job. This is funny on two levels: because Andrew doesn’t have a job and you don’t have a democracy.
Clearly, Andrew is the victim of a witch hunt so I caught up with him so he could clear his name. I’m confident this interview will go as well as the interview with Emily Maitlis when he convinced the world of his innocence with his harrowing story from Vietnam.
ME: Given the extent of your friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, you must be relieved the court documents only mentioned you 70 times in 1,000 pages, because honestly, that rape mansion was like your second home, but still I have to ask, how exactly did you end up befriending a paedophile?
ANDY: Well, Jeff and I barely knew each other to be honest, but we were two self-made billionaires who shared lots of common interests so it was natural we would get along. We loved having huge amounts of wealth and exploiting poor people for our own gratification, just like every other rich person in history.
I would invite Jeff into the royal palaces and the queen’s holiday homes - the corgis were terrified of him - and Jeff would invite me to the number one holiday destination for the stars - Magic Island. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Is society now so woke, it’s turning against rich people?
ME: Yes, I’m afraid so.
ANDY: Here’s my problem, all of these radical feminists show concerns the moment a woman mentions an emotive word like rape [air quotes], but I’ve spoken to my lawyer and he recommended pointing out they didn’t once condemn Hamas. This tells you everything you need to know about these people. Bloody hypocrites.
ME: To be fair, the allegations against you are disturbing. For example, one woman said you groped her while Jeffrey Epstein played with a puppet that looked exactly like you.
ANDY: That’s not true, the puppet was much more human-like…
ME: You were accused of raping one girl three times, including having an orgy with her and other underage girls on the secret paedophile island. Is there any truth to that claim?
ANDY: No, absolutely not. I was never inappropriate with those girls. Honestly, I was more like a favourite uncle. I would put on my dressing gown and chase them around on Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair, doing the robot voice to make them laugh. Well, they never laughed, but I did…
Anyways, did you know that ever since my harrowing experience in a fish and chip shop in Guildford, I’ve been completely unable to-
ME: Oh god, you’re not going to say it again, are you? That you can’t sweat?
ANDY: Don’t be silly, I was going to say I can’t poop!
ME: Wait, what the fuck? Why would you even say that?
ANDY: Well, it proves I’m innocent in the same way the sweating thing proved I couldn’t have done all those things I did with Virginia. To further prove my innocence, I’m asking Charles to give donations to all those women I’ve never met. Personally, I wanted to do a Diana on them, but apparently that would be bad PR.
ME: Did your lawyer tell you to say all that?
ANDY: No, I made it up myself! I was trying to get creative. Did you know my food poisoning was so bad, part of my intestine had to be removed and ever since I’ve been-
ME: Okay, I think we should move on. Some people might be eating… Is it true you’re not allowed to come within 300 yards of your nieces?
ANDY: I can assure you there is no legal requirement for me to stay away from any girls, but Kate is not keen on me babysitting, put it that way.
ME: Fucking hell, do you think the people of Inverness are thrilled you’re still their earl? A title you did nothing to earn, other than be born to two wealthy cousins and pretend to serve in the military…
ANDY: I’ve no idea what the polling data says, but I’m confident that if you asked the residents of the place I’ve never visited, the ones who don’t fall for woke nonsense would say yes. The others are bigots who don’t respect the people who are better than them and totally deserve to live in that shit hole.
ME: I’m not sure you’re supposed to call the place you’re earl of a shit hole, but anyway, are you upset your brother has downgraded you to Harry and Meghan’s old home?
ANDY: Yes, it’s very humiliating. I might have done some embarrassing things in my life, but at least I never married Meghan Markle.
ME: You’re totally right, marrying a smart and beautiful woman who you were in a consensual relationship with is much worse than doing what you did. Harry is such a disgrace.
ANDY: Agreed.
ME: At least Charles made an effort to reintegrate you into the royal family and ordered them to pretend to like you but not Harry. This shows the king has excellent judgement. It’s clear he knows who the real villain in your family is. Let’s just hope none of your accusers are non-white because the guards will be dragging you off to the Tower of London.
ANDY: Well, I definitely won’t be going to the Tower of London, that’s for sure, but I’m hardly off the hook. I’m told Charles is downgrading my royal title from Prince to Nonce. Apparently, he has the power to do that just because he was born before me. Our system is so stupid.
ME: Oh no, are you okay, Nonce Andrew?
ANDY: Yes, I’m fine. The title puts me in the company of my mother’s favourite cousin who was also a nonce - not my dad, one of her other cousins. My dad wasn’t into paedophilia, he was into arranging car crashes. Honestly, Harry is so lucky he is no longer around.
ME: I’m told the head of Republic, Graham Whatshisface, reported you to the police and not Harry, even though Harry is a member of Hamas. What do you think about that?
ANDY: I’m unclear why Graham has not been jailed for intent to hold up a blank piece of paper and Harry has not been jailed for being a worse person than me.
ME: Are you concerned you could be arrested?
ANDY: Don’t be silly! The police are hoping to cover this up as effectively as they covered up Boris Johnson’s birthday party and karaoke nights and quizzes and BDSM parties during lockdown.
ME: Wait, I didn’t know about the lockdown BDSM parties.
ANDY: Exactly.
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
I so enjoyed that!
Loved this🤣