FBI insists it's definitely not covering up for the non-existent clients of Jeffrey Epstein

This is totally not suspicious

You will be hugely relieved to hear that Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxell are the first sex traffickers in history to traffic women and children to zero clients, meaning all your favourite pro-Israel politicians are innocent. Even better, we now know beyond doubt that Jeffrey Epstein was not murdered.

After claiming for years that video footage did not exist because the cameras were mysteriously cut, the DoJ has released a video showing continuous footage of Epstein's cell, which definitely could not have been from another day with the numbers changed.

The footage of a door proves conclusively that no one entered the cell on the day Epstein was murdered. We now just need an excuse for why we lied about there being no footage. I'll let you know when we've thought of something.

FBI director Kash Patel, whose girlfriend works for Israel's Unit 8200, says tens of thousands of Epstein videos have unfortunately vanished in non-suspicious circumstances. I mean they never existed. Pam Bondi was lying. As was former Israeli spy Ari Ben-Menashe who said that Epstein ran a Mossad honeypot operation.

If you think those lies were bad, don't even get me started on Maria Farmer, the first Epstein victim to come forward, who said his paedophile ring was run by the Zionist owners of The Mega Group. Farmer even claimed she was abused by Trump when she was 14-years-old. No wonder she is being called a "stupid, lying whore" by all of my nicest MAGA friends.

Personally, I don't understand why Epstein's victims are all such mean-spirited liars, but they are, or were. Many of them are dead now, including the one who was generously bought a ski chalet by Prince Andrew.

Conspiracy theorists are questioning why we can't find the clients of Epstein when there was a little black book that allegedly contained the names. Well, I can confirm that little black book cannot be found because we're only good at finding small books that fly out of exploding aeroplanes, perfectly intact.

All of the members of Epstein's non-existent client list are relieved their names will no longer be made public, however, they may have outed themselves by saying words along the lines of "I stand with Israel". This is an easy mistake to make when Israel is also giving you large sums of money.

President Trump has reassured his gullible, I mean adoring fans that he definitely was not on the client list which definitely doesn't exist. I don't know about you, but if I'd been recorded doing unspeakable acts, I would cover it up too. Helping Israel commit genocide is a small prine to pay to avoid prison, isn't it?

An Israeli spokesperson has explained that while the Epstein ring was an effective tool for blackmailing politicians, they can't let this become public knowledge because everyone would know they were running a paedophile ring, and let's be honest, Israel's reputation has already taken a hammering. Therefore, we are calling anyone who joins the dots an "antisemite" to scare them into silence.

Given Epstein was not trafficking sex slaves to anyone, he was an innocent man, and this begs the question of why an innocent man would kill himself. It also begs the question of why Ghislaine Maxwell is still in prison. Clearly, Ghislaine is the victim of a massive injustice and poor Jeffrey is, um, probably not dead actually.

Mossad agent Jeffrey Epstein, who became a billionaire when Mossad agent Robert Maxwell's missing fortune made its way into his bank account, had everything to live for. In a weird coincidence, Robert was the dad of Jeffrey's girlfriend so perhaps he generously named Jeffrey in his will before he fell off a boat. Who knows?

Anyways, Jeffrey was such a big deal, he met the prime minister of Israel 36 times in four years to discuss matters totally unrelated to sex trafficking. He was best friends with a fucking prince and who would take their own life when they were best friends with a prince? It just doesn't make sense, does it?

NOTE: For legal reasons, I must clarify that Prince Andrew has no recollection of ever meeting Jeffrey Epstein or posing for a picture with his arm around a teenage Virginia Giuffre while Ghislaine Maxwell lingered in the background. This disclaimer should hopefully help me avoid a devastating car crash. Fingers crossed x

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