Fight between Elon and Zuck takes dramatic turn

This is deeply disturbing

Sources tell me Twitter numbers fell to 1,462,117 tonight and given that 1,462,005 of those are CIA bots (Elon has no idea), that left just 112 active users. If, like me, you were one of them, that’s pretty embarrassing, I’m not gonna lie!

After just four days, Threads has 100 million users who hate Zuckerberg ever-so-slightly less than they hate Space Karen. Threads was about six months away from being finished when Elon limit-rated Twitter users and made them pay for a higher limit, giving Meta an open goal. Paying to see 6,000 tweets a day is not appealing when another platform is almost identical, free to use and has no limits. This meant Threads had to launch early.

Elon accidentally held up a banner saying: “Hey, Zuck, why don’t you take all my users to your platform?” and Zuck gratefully accepted. Imagine being so reckless, you gave $44 billion away to another billionaire just like that!

It’s fair to say poor Elon has taken Twitter’s collapse as well as he took his three divorces: by getting wasted in his bed which is shaped like a racing car. And who can blame him? Getting divorced by three wives is one thing, but getting divorced by 100 million Twitter users is another matter entirely.

Call me crazy, but I’m thinking the inventor of the exploding car and the exploding spaceship and the exploding Twitter might not be the brilliant businessman he says he is.

Elon’s bender in the racing car meant lots of funny shit happened over the weekend so I’ll summarise with a vague level of accuracy based on things I’ve overheard from people who are better informed than me. This saves me the effort of fact checking which I never do anyway.

Elon had an interesting night hosting a Twitter Space with climate change deniers and receiving praise from notable figures like the head of the Taliban. Eleven of the 12 blue ticks were talking about how those who oppose Nazis are terrorists and Elon mocked anyone who mocked Nazis, then he talked about his “dick pic bot”, celebrated inequality, and laughed at Zuck memes to win the approval of incels with 12 followers.

Elon did something which was admittedly funny when he replied to the BBC with a link to the Wikipedia page that explains how they covered up Sir Jimmy Saville’s paedophilia. Zuck would probably shadow ban you for that, and yet Threads is where we’re stuck now, thanks to Elon’s tantrums.

Let’s be honest, Threads is an awful place where you mute 100 “feel good” influencers a day because they post inspirational quotes like a meme could cure my cough mixture habit and constant self-loathing. Even so, Threads is marginally better than Twitter.

Inspirational memes are approximately 1% less irritating than bots calling you a c*** 100 times a day, but Threads is plagued by Wordle scores. Then again, so is Twitter so I guess it evens out.

On the plus side, Threads has no DMs so we don’t get those ONLY FOR YOU messages 10 times a day which are the social media equivalent of an STD. Oh, you know what I’m talking about? Have you been following people you shouldn’t too, you little hussy? Tut, tut.

Zuck has given us a platform that is 1% better than Twitter and still makes us want to throw our phone out the window but keeps us coming back like drug fiends desperate for “likes”. We are addicted to “likes” because we are weirdos who need validation from pixels and only exist to have our data harvested - and our data tells the Deep State™ we have no lives and scroll all day, only taking a break to watch p… I mean Coronation Street.

When you think about it, it’s amazing that something so pointless caused such a massive fight, but here we are.

Poor Elon was laughed at by the courts when he attempted to sue Zuck for copying the idea he didn’t come up with so he resorted to his usual coping mechanism of drunk tweeting. Yes, the dopamine peddlers are addicted to their own product now.

Midlife crisis in full swing, Elon set up a parody of himself so he could use his alt to insult Zuck who doesn’t even use Twitter.

NOTE: We know Elon is behind the parody because all other Elon parodies have been banned and the only one left is nice about him and admits in the bio “I’m on a quest to bang AOC on Mars”. (Mars being the most plausible element of that “quest”.)

Like all conservative heroes, Elon is a horny 16-year-old virgin trapped inside a 56-year-old divorced dad’s body. Literally the best of both worlds, or it might be the worst, but let’s not split hairs. Anyways, Elon got so drunk he forgot he was on main and called Zuck a “cuck” before proposing a dick-measuring contest and oh god, I wish I was joking.

Zuck eagerly agreed to the dick-measuring contest and the pair met at UFC 290, wearing nothing but baby oil and sparkly underpants. The fighters walked out to Tom from MySpace playing the score to Terminator 2 on a didgeridoo, and at this point, I switched off the TV because I did not want to know what came next x

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