Flag shaggers furious England football shirt has a gay cross

This woke nonsense has to stop

I know what you’re all thinking: where has she been for the last couple of days? Don’t worry, I’m fine. I just woke up in a gutter after going on a two-day bender in a failed attempt to rekindle my romance with Boris Johnson, having left my cats to fend for themselves (they hate me anyway), and now I’m back with HUGE NEWS!

Politicians have identified the latest most significant issue of our time to distract you from their sheer incompetence, corruption and indifference! I know what you’re all thinking: Thank god, another distraction! I was running out of pointless things to get mad about!

Well, thankfully, I have a good one for you: the bastards at Nike have only gone and made the England flag woke! They even put the woke flag on the England shirt, and the cross is not even red anymore, it’s pink and purple. It… it’s… gay…

Okay, please stop hyperventilating for a moment. I need to explain the government has given the police instructions to treat anyone wearing the new England kit as an extremist, unless they cut the collar off. In fact, displaying this dreadful flag of St George on your collar will be considered an act of treason.

One thing is for sure, this issue sets the battleground for the next election: who can shag the original flag of St George the best?

Obviously, we don’t have a single real problem to worry about, or a genocide to ignore, so I caught up with all the people who would embarrass themselves for votes, as well as, um, Gareth Southgate, who decided to make a tit of himself in the name of patriotism.

The usually calm and reasoned England manager made a surprise appearance at the annual gammon conference to rage: “IT’S NOT MY FLAG!” He explained he’s instructed his players to use red pencils to scribble over the flags on their collars, otherwise they will be dropped, even if they’re really good, and let’s be honest, we don’t exactly have good players to spare, do we?

Mark Francois screamed from the crowd: “RIGHTFULLY SO, GARETH! NOBODY DISRESPECTS OUR UNION JACK!” and he attracted confused stares from half the crowd and nods in agreement from everyone else.

Mark’s outburst was met with applause from failed Tory MP Lee Anderson who roared: “THIS WOKE NONSENSE MUST STOP!” before calmly adding: “I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!” although it was unclear who has taken his country, or where they’ve taken it to. If Lee’s country turns up, please let him know, he’s very worried.

As all the smart people pointed out, using a redesigned flag on an England football shirt has NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE, apart from all the other times it has been done, such as the 2010 home strip that had super-gay multi-coloured flags on the collar, and the goalkeeper shirt that was covered in large green crosses. I can’t believe no one realised those green crosses were a reference to Greta Thunberg, eight years before she was even a thing. Why do these people politicise everything?!

Strangely, the shirt design didn’t matter in 2010 because no one had thought of fighting an imaginary culture war to distract you from your collapsing living standards as you eat mouldy bread and half a tin of Aldi baked beans in your cold flat, wondering why you have no friends.

Thankfully, times have changed and our politicians know how to do grown up politics now. This is why Rishi Sunak came to the stage and dropped his pants to reveal he is wearing Union Jack boxer shorts. There was an awkward pause as his aide told him this was the wrong flag and the rest of us pretended we never heard. Sunak did his best to sound tough, insisting our flag should not be “messed with”, but sadly, the impact was lost and he limped away.

Next to the stage was knight of the realm, Sir Keir Starmer, who attracted gasps as he came out wearing a suit of armour and wielding a sword and shield. He gave us a proud twirl to reveal a flag of St George draped over his shoulders, and said: “Is this the right flag?” His outfit attracted enthusiastic applause until he went too far and explained he was “just back from slaying dragons”. Inexplicably, nobody believed him.

Sir Keir of Camelot tried to redeem himself by saying:

“Child poverty has soared to 4.3 million and I won’t even lift the two-child welfare cap, so I’m grateful to have something to pretend to care about. I don’t even know the rules of football, but my focus group has decided I’m furious about this colour change. When I’m prime minister, I will make every school in Britain put the flag of St George on their uniforms, and it will be the proper flag too, not the woke one!”

As you can imagine, this announcement went down brilliantly in Scotland, the uncharted land in the north that Labour is hoping to capture from SNP barbarians. He told the crowd he would “personally vanquish William Wallace if he had to”. It’s unclear if he thinks William Wallace is leader of the SNP, but I’m glad he understands his target audience.

To gauge the views of the average Scottish voter who Starmer is desperate to win over, I caught up with a man in South London who told me he was impressed by the armour, but concerned that Nike is refusing to change the England shirt. He explained:

“Since the Sun stopped doing page 3 and my wife left me for my best mate, the flag of St George is the only thing that can get me aroused, but it’s a bit embarrassing getting aroused by the pink and purple version, isn’t it? Does that make me gay?”

I gently explained the pink and purple version of the flag is nothing to do with sexuality, it’s actually inspired by the training gear of England’s 1966 World Cup winning team, and if he visualises those prime young athletes working out, there is nothing wrong with that. This is a modern, forward-thinking country, after all.

“Thank god,” he said, “Obviously, a proud Englishman like St George could never be gay, could he?”

It was at this point I broke it to him as gently as possible that St George was actually a Turkish immigrant and Palestinian hero who never set foot in England, and the man passed out. I just pretended I never saw anything and walked away x

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