Fledgeling leftist party wages gruelling, principled war... against itself

The fledgeling party from the Independent Alliance of MPs might not have a name yet, but it is already fighting for its principles… by waging a gruelling war against itself. The apparent aim is to destroy all hope of defeating the far right and then brag that “we did it for the right reasons”. How noble…

This all started when the MPs, who agree with each other on 99% of things, noticed they each have an opinion the others disagree with (in some case, only slightly). This, of course, is unacceptable.

Anyone who fails to comply with group think (put forward by a group of one) must be screamed at on social media. You will be hugely relieved to hear the MPs have been doing exactly that. Even better, they are demanding all new members pledge allegiance to one of the five factions and be prepared to fight the others to the death.

Excitingly, one of the MPs has already abandoned ship because he is a landlord and wandered into the party by accident. Thankfully, the other five MPs feel optimistic they can drive their remaining rivals out faster than Starmer purged socialists from Labour.

The independent MPs generously took time out from briefing the press on their spats so they could air their laundry on Twitter. It was decided this was the best way to infuriate their membership who honestly can’t be arsed with this crap. Members should know that good things don’t come easily and can only be achieved through a brutal civil war that will probably finish off all involved.

The independents were infuriated after Zarah Sultana got invited onto BBC Question Time because they all wanted to be the one in the limelight. They therefore did the grown up thing and took to Twitter to bitch about her. And when the backlash came, Jeremy Corbyn insisted he did not put his name to the statement that all of them apparently signed.

Now no one knows what the hell is going on. All we know is the MPs can’t take the fight to the establishment until they’ve taken the fight to each other. Excitingly, Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana will no longer co-lead the party and plan to face each other in the UFC early next year.

One Labour MP told me: “This is brilliant! We were planning on infiltrating the party and destroying it from the inside, but we’re currently focused on the civil war between Streeting and Starmer. Thankfully, the lefties are playing into Farage’s hands as badly we are...”

While normal people are fed up with the establishment and just want an alternative to the crap in parliament that doesn’t involve fascism, the independents are focused on something much more important: egos.

It is for that reason they do not want to hand control of their party over to their membership who, at this rate, would probably deselect all six of them for acting like kids x

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