Gammons in disarray after woman expresses unauthorised opinion

The fallout could bring down GB News

There is concern among the most rational section of British society, the gammon community, that their go-to channel for alternative facts, GB News, could be the next victim of cancel culture.

Apparently, lefties are demanding GBeebies is shut down simply because one of its presenters made a shocking misogynistic outburst and another was caught catfishing his colleagues for dick pics and the channel let Darren Grimes pretend to be a journalist and it was found guilty of breaching impartiality rules and it always assumes sex offenders are innocent and it invents the most rational conspiracy theories and half its presenters are politically-neutral Tory politicians and… and… it has a fucking Coast guy.

The people who screamed the BBC should be shut down because Gary Lineker controversially claimed refugees are humans, and cheered when Nadine Dorries tried to privatise Channel 4 to punish it for telling the truth, have explained they would never do a cancel culture on anyone. It’s the lefties who are being hypocritical by demanding a news channel adheres to journalistic standards and broadcasting rules.

“Cancel culture is fascism!” they rage, somehow forgetting that GBeebies has cancelled Dan Wootton (AKA Martin Branning) and Laurence Fox after they had an online tiff over DM screenshots, following their on-air humiliation of journalist Ava-Santina Evans.

If you didn't know, Laurence and Dan gave an insightful analysis about whether a woman with an opinion is shaggable because that’s the only relevant point of consideration when a woman says anything about anything: Is she shaggable?

Strangely, the gay man seemed to think the woman with an opinion was shaggable and the man who hasn’t had sex since Billie Piper divorced him seven years ago thought she wasn’t shaggable. This timeline increasingly makes no sense, but can I be the first to say I don’t find Laurence Fox shaggable, and I found Boris Johnson attractive…

There is concern that if gammons remember the news channel they are protecting from cancel culture is guilty of cancel culture, this could rupture the spacetime continuum and the universe could collapse like the roof of a school made from RAAC. However, lefties have suggested this would still be preferable to living under Tory rule.

Fortunately, gammons are easily distracted and they’re arguing GBeebies can’t be shut down because Jo Brand once fantasised about throwing battery acid in Nigel Farage’s face, and this argument makes about as much sense as anything else this lot have to say, so let’s go with it. If you shut down GBeebies, we will shut down Jo Brand because it’s only cancel culture when you do it.

If you want Jo Brand to keep her broadcasting licence so she can continue to operate as a news channel in the UK, you might want to take a step back because we didn’t want it to come to this, but you lot decided to object to misogynistic abuse and now the gloves are off.

Needless to say, the whole situation is a mess, and our most patriotic news channel, which is owned by Australians and people from Dubai (Dubaians?) is facing a challenging situation, but a reasonable compromise could yet be in sight.

While GBeebies felt catfishing colleagues for dick pics under a pseudonym wasn’t a suspendible offence, they sadly couldn’t get away with ignoring another controversy. Therefore, they have suggested the best way to resolve the situation is for Ava-Santina to apologise for expressing an opinion and promise it won’t happen again x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x