Geneva Conventions let British politicians off the hook

Turns out there are exemption clauses for war crimes

As I recently reported, there was concern among senior Tories such as Rishi Sunak, Suella Braverman, Sir Keir Starmer, Emily Thornberry and David Lammy that they might have accidentally incriminated themselves by cheering: “Yay! Go Netanyahu! Kill! Kill! Kill!” as Israeli rockets disintegrated Palestinian children who were under siege in Gaza. This is because the woke mob at the International Criminal Court consider supporting war crimes to be a war crime. Ridiculous, I know.

Fortunately, I can reveal our finest warmongers are off the hook because I have carefully read through the Geneva Conventions with the UK’s leading human rights expert, Darren Grimes, and here is what we found:

• Although it’s sort of forbidden to drop white phosphorous munitions on civilian populations because they melt through human flesh, meaning they are brutally inhumane and entirely unnecessary, serving only the purpose of maximising pain and arousing Suella Braverman, you will be pleased to know there is an exemption clause. You are allowed to drop white phosphorous munitions on Arab children as long as you say “Israel has a right to defend itself” in a convincing manner and glare at the interviewer as though it would be racist to disagree. Once you do this, you have taken the moral high ground and should have immunity from prosecution.

• Although it’s sort of against the rules to carpet-bomb residential neighbourhoods because you’ve no idea where the militants are hiding and you consider everyone to be your enemy, there is an exemption. If 7% of the population voted for a proscribed terrorist organisation 17 years ago, every member of that population can be punished with death, including the 73% who weren’t old enough to vote and the 47% who are still children. To erase any doubt about the legality of your actions, simply utter the words: “There are no innocents in Gaza.” That should do it.

• Surprisingly, it’s fine to wage war against a defenceless civilian population and have your soldiers explicitly say so in every interview, as long as the US president contradicts you by insisting you are “only going after the terrorists” and “playing by the rules of war”. Once the US president has spoken, a war crime cannot be committed because if it could, your average US president would be sentenced to 73,000 years behind bars and that’s never happened, has it?

• Interestingly, it’s okay to blow up hospitals as long as you call the hospital two hours in advance and say: “Everybody get the fuck out now, even the ones in a coma, because the bombs are coming!” It’s also totally okay to cheer on the targeting of hospitals as long as you pretend you’re “glad there are humanitarian corridors”. Just try to look sincere when you say it, okay?

• Although it’s frowned upon to blow up humanitarian corridors, you can target border crossings to stop aid trucks, but only on the condition you make up a story about babies being beheaded. If you do this, you will need journalists and politicians around the world to uncritically repeat your lies until enough people believe them. At this point, your actions become justified even if do-gooders can later prove you were lying. If those do-gooders start protesting, get the BBC to accuse them of supporting Hamas and you’ll be totally fine.

• Technically, you’re not supposed to raze every building to the ground and “turn Gaza to dust”, but the Geneva Conventions let you off the hook if you have redevelopment plans like building an amusement park because this will be good for the local economy. Who else can’t wait to go to Disney Land in Gaza?

• If your country is the victim of a terror attack that brutally killed innocent civilians, you are allowed to commit as many horrific attacks as you like, but only if you act like this is happening in a vacuum. To make your actions legal, you simply have to erase 75 years of land grabbing, mass murder and occupation, and pretend the entire story began on a Saturday morning, then accuse anyone who applies historical context of victim blaming. This lets you off the hook.

As you can see, the Geneva Conventions have a bunch of super-convenient get-out clauses for Israel and this is why they’ve never been prosecuted for war crimes since they were founded in 1948 and probably never will be x

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