Glastonbury to be banned after Kneecap insulted Keir Starmer on stage

How was this allowed to happen?

It's fair to say this year's Glastonbury has been an enormous headache for supporters of genocide, particularly the prime minister.

After forgetting to proscribe Kneecap along with Palestine Action, Sir Keir Starmer got in a muddle and demanded that Glastonbury axe Kneecap from this year's line up. Only problem is Starmer made Kneecap really popular by pretending they're terrorists and this meant the organisers refused to pull them. You can't expect capitalists to miss out on a few quid, can you?

You can imagine how awkward this all was for the BBC. The BBC loves to air Glastonbury every year so it can pretend it's cool and edgy while objecting to anything that makes Glastonbury cool and edgy, kind'a like your geography teacher at the school disco, if your geography teacher was covering up a genocide, that is.

BBC bosses were panicking because their neutrality guidelines mean they must agree to censorship requests from Zionist politicians. Not agreeing to those censorship requests would mean the BBC has a free speech bias rather than a pro-genocide one.

The only impartial solution was for the BBC to cut Kneecap's performance from their live feed so you don't hear it, like boos for Israel at Eurovision.

It appeared we were safe from having our minds polluted by unauthorised opinions, but unfortunately, some idiot at the BBC didn't check who was on before Kneecap. It was someone called Bob Vylan who caused horror and disgust when he displayed the words: "Free Palestine. United Nations have called it a genocide. The BBC calls it a conflict."

As if that wasn't bad enough, Bob Vylan started chanting: "Death, death, to the IDF!"

Zionist David Collier really didn't help matters when he explained that every Israeli child becomes an IDF soldier, unwittingly reminding us all Israelis become a participant in genocide. We're not supposed to say the quiet part loud, David!

You're probably thinking Glastonbury could not get any worse because at least Kneecap was being censored, but in stepped Helen from fucking Wales. I've no idea where Wales is, but I can only assume Israel will be bombing it as soon as they're done with Iran. It's the only way.

Helen from Wales thought it was a great idea to live stream the Kneecap performance for one fucking hour. She racked up like a million views on TikTok which is confusing because I thought we had banned TikTok for Israel.

Horrifyingly, Kneecap made Yvette Cooper's head explode when they called for the British government to be proscribed, rather than Palestine Action. Things only got worse when they performed their latest song "Fuck Keir Starmer". Truly, this was a hate crime.

If Sir Keir Starmer had feelings, this performance would have really hurt them. All I can say is thank god he is a robot.

Obviously, all of these unauthorised opinions called for drastic action so police arrested everyone at Glastonbury under the Terrorism Act. You will be relieved to hear Kneecap and Bob Vylan are to be proscribed, Glastonbury is to be banned, and the BBC is to be axed to protect the feelings of genocide supporters. The feelings of genocide supporters are all that matters x

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