Government announces exciting plans to crush the working class

The 2023 budget is going to be brutal!

Following a year known as the Trussocalypse in which the Tories blew a £60 billion black hole in the economy, the question on everyone’s lips was who should be punished for this disaster? And the obvious answer is the poor people who had absolutely nothing to do with it and are already suffering because of it!

As you can see, the Tories are the party of individual responsibility and individual responsibility involves punishing your victims for your mistakes.

You might have thought the government had reached its cruelty threshold when it ripped human rights away from refugees, but it’s got plenty more cruelty up its sleeve, including bullying old, sick and disabled people into unsuitable work. If government ministers can do jobs they are wholly unsuitable for, you lot can too!

Hilariously, over-50s are to be forced onto apprenticeships called “returnerships” to ensure they’re humiliated just as badly as younger workers. And Universal Credit claimants are to be given even harsher sanctions, due to concerns that foodbanks were making life too easy for them, but there is no word as of yet on the return of workhouses.

There is zero evidence that sanctions for the poorest increase their likelihood of finding work, just like there is zero evidence tax relief for the rich will improve investment, but these are the Tory ways.

Hunt has done nothing for basic rate tax payers or those who earn less than £12,570, but he did offer a childcare package for children born today who won’t be eligible until they are three years old when the next Labour government will be paying for it. This policy doesn’t start until September 2024, meaning it’s not an actual policy, it’s just something to grab headlines and make it look like the government is being nice while it’s doing fuck all!

Hunt even bragged the energy price cap is currently £2,500, failing to mention that’s almost double the £1,300 price cap from a year ago. Thankfully, Hunt has ensured the fossil fuel companies will be able to take advantage of tax loopholes while you’re down to the bones of your arse.

To make things better, the chancellor has avoided imposing a wealth tax on the richest 1% that could’ve raised £70 billion and made all of their cruelty totally unnecessary. Sadly, Hunt could not think of a single way to raise funds for public services so they’re getting bugger all.

If you’re concerned you’ve not heard enough about helping rich people, Hunt is giving them an extra £27,000 a year by changing pensions savings rules, increasing the lifetime limit for the top rate of tax payers. And as a cherry on the cake, he’s found another £5 billion for defence so we can help Australia get nuclear submarines by the late 2030s, but we will not be helping our nurses, junior doctors or teachers. I propose we jail them next time they strike.

Excitingly, the average tax payer is going to be £500 a year worse off and the UK economy is set to shrink by a whopping 0.2%. The government insists this is not a “technical recession” so let’s call it a non-technical recession.

Even better, real living standards will fall by 5.7% over the next two years, thanks to the freeze in personal tax allowance and 8.8% inflation, meaning this is a brilliant time for every bastard who voted to make poor people even poorer.

The government is now proudly boasting it rescued a British economy teetering on the brink and it truly did. The Tories have saved the economy from the Tories x

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