Government announces exciting plans for the nation after watching Minority Report

You probably thought things couldn’t get more exciting when the government made you scan your face, passport, and email address book so you could watch online porn, but then it announced digital IDs that would enable a centralised database containing every piece of information about your life.

Brilliantly, digital IDs will be rolled out to children, meaning any embarrassing thing they do as a child will stay with them for life. Serves them right for not doing their homework. Little shits.

Somehow, things get even more exciting because the cabinet was shown a movie called Minority Report by its donors. Shortly after, the home secretary said she aims to roll out facial recognition cameras across the country; cameras that will one day access the BritCard database.

Combine this exciting technology with the location data on your phone and it means your government will know where you are at all times. What an incredible moment for civil liberties!

The proposal to merge facial recognition technology with BritCard was first made by the Tony Blair Institute, so if you wanna know what’s coming next, just look at Blair’s other proposals. They include: replacing your passport and driving licence; storing your DNA and health information; accessing your bank account and making purchases; logging your online habits; tailoring ads based on your personal preferences; and most excitingly, managing “splintering votes”, presumably by tackling wrong think. If you have all of this power on one app, all you need to do is withdraw people’s access until they behave…

As Blair’s close friend Larry Ellison recently told Blair in an interview: “Citizens will be on their best behaviour because we’re constantly recording and reporting everything that is going on”. You will be reassured to hear Ellison generously gave $300 million to the Tony Blair Institute.

Facial recognition technology has proved such a roaring success that it has led to people being barred from shops they have never set foot in. Obviously, a technology this effective should be expanded massively to keep you safe. It’s gonna be fun when people are dragged into riot vans because an AI mistook them for a wanted criminal, isn’t it?

We are entering an exciting time when you will be expected to prove your face doesn’t match the grainy footage on the database, otherwise you are going to jail. It’s only what you deserve.

Imagine a world where your tweets have shown a strong dislike for Supreme Lord Starmer and then you come within say, three miles of him. Facial recognition will alert police to your presence and you will be arrested for pre-crime.

I don’t know about you, but I will feel much safer knowing I am being watched by the government at all times. In fact, I fully consent to government employees having access to my phone and laptop cameras. Shit, they can put a camera in my bathroom if they like.

Just think of how the Epstein list controls politicians. It’s only right that we have some equivalent system to control civilians.

The government reminds us that facial recognition will help us catch serious criminals, such as rapists. This announcement received strong objection from Prince Andrew until someone explained the details of the rich and powerful will not be stored on the same database. We can’t risk their personal data being leaked along with yours, can we?

If the rich and powerful were included in BritCard, we’d be one data leak away from the embarrassing revelation that Starmer enjoys AI-generated nudes of Margaret Thatcher. No one needs to know that, do they? x

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