Government announces exciting plans to humiliate disabled people

The aim is to be as cruel as possible

Prime minister Rishi Sunak has skilfully identified the root cause of the government’s 13 years of economic failure: disability allowance. The solution, of course, is to bully disabled people into working from home. I honestly don’t know why no one has thought of this before!

It has finally been decided that mental health and mobility issues don’t count as “real disabilities” and the people who struggle to get through each day should do “their duty”, no matter how miserable it makes their existence.

A Tory spokesperson explained: “This move will make absolutely no difference whatsoever, but it will please the utter bastards who get off on being cruel to vulnerable groups and feel the austerity cull did not go far enough. This is key to our electoral strategy.”

It is understood the Tories’ want their title of the world’s most callous government back from the nutters in Argentina who vowed to scrap their department of health. This suggests an announcement of the abolition of the NHS is surely inevitable. Exciting times.

On the downside, I understand the prime minister has rejected calls from some elements of his party (Suella Braverman) to turn care home residents into animal feed, showing once again that he is a moderate.

The announcement of the disabled cull has seen the Tories’ favourability among utter bastards increase by 7 points, causing panic among the Labour ranks because they are targeting the same demographic. Labour has sensibly backed the cull so the Tories can’t paint them as looney lefties who care about the welfare and dignity of disabled people. They wouldn’t want to play into the Tories’ hands by providing the public with an alternative to abject cruelty.

Work Capability Assessments have been updated to assume that every disabled person is at least capable of working from home. The new assessments include asking people in comas to perform one hundred star jumps, one hundred push ups, one hundred sit ups, and then run a four-minute mile. If they refuse, their money will be stopped, and if they try, this will prove they aren’t unconscious enough to be considered disabled. Either way, they will need to find work like every other layabout.

Obviously, there is no reason why a blind person couldn’t collect overdue credit card payments for Capital One, or a quadriplegic couldn’t do technical support for Utility Warehouse. Their carer could help them out if they get stuck and beat them with a stick if they don’t work hard enough. Obviously, this will require a degree of compromise, but I’m sure callers won’t mind being put on hold while the customer service representative gets their colostomy bag emptied.

Minister for Common Sense, Esther McVey, explained:

“It’s about time people got out of the anti-work mentality and found a real job, like I did...

“We are going to make scroungers in wheelchairs deliver the mail, and people who are depressed will have to submit their brains for medical research. Just because you’re disabled, does not mean you should get to live a dignified life.”

I couldn’t agree more.

As everyone knows, human beings have no intrinsic value beyond their value to the capitalist machine and anyone who can’t earn a living wage should be allowed to die. It serves them right for becoming disabled in the first place. Shirkers x

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