Tory government announces incredible new Brexit benefit

This would not have been possible if we were still in the EU

Now that the UK is in the grip of a famine caused by the EU and people who didn’t believe in Brexit hard enough, as well as “bad transport” and “weather problems in Africa” (which have not impacted the rest of Europe for some reason), the Tory government has come up with an exciting solution:

BLUE RATION BOOKS!

Given that tomatoes are now rarer in the UK than PlayStation 5s, the Blue Ration Book™ is the must-have item for 2023!

You can apply for your Blue Ration Book™ by showing proof of your leave vote in the 2016 referendum, wearing a Make Britain Great Again™ hat, and donating a fiver at your next local Tory meeting (make it a tenner and you will be added to the shortlist for a knighthood). This is exactly the kind of thing that would not be possible in the EU because if we’d voted remain there would be no famine to tackle the obesity epidemic. I love all these Brexit benefits, don’t you?

Your Blue Ration Book™ will be sent to you in six to ten weeks at which point you will finally be able to eat again if you’re still alive! You will also be sent a free pigeon trap so you can supplement your 500-calorie diet with extra protein. Come on, people, where’s your blitz spirit?

The next time you’re browsing empty supermarket shelves and wondering where the fruit and vegetables have gone, fear not because your Blue Ration Book™ will ensure you get three tomatoes, three peppers, three cucumbers and hopefully a couple of squashed bananas and a shrivelled apple from their Sovereignty Range™, but I must reiterate this is only if you voted leave.

Your Blue Ration Book™ will be accepted at Tesco, Asda, Aldi and Morrisons (we’re still awaiting confirmation from Waitrose). Unfortunately, remainers will have to ask the EU to issue red ration books for use at Lidl because none of the good supermarkets will accept them. This means you get to look very smug the next time a distraught mother gets arrested for stealing baby formula and you’ve got enough produce to fill a small paper bag. If ever there was a time to tell foolish remainers “I told you so”, it’s now!

Food secretary Thérèse Coffey says she is unsure when rationing will end because “she can’t control the weather in Spain”, seemingly unaware Spain is not part of Africa. But she promised to make our sunlit farmlands more fertile by taking advantage of all the excess sewage she has been discharging.

Thérèse explained that lefties who blame “Brexit and our dreadful government” for the famine are definitely wrong, even the ones who predicted this was going to happen. Remember folks, just because everything someone tried to warn you about actually happened, doesn’t mean they were right x

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