Government confirms refugee barge is exactly like a prison ship

and ministers hope to surround it with sharks or crocodiles

The government has explained it will jail about 500 adult males (non-white people over the age of 12) in a new prison ship this spring. I understand ministers are looking into the possibility of surrounding the prison ship with sharks, or alternatively, Priti Patel’s pet crocodiles. This will hopefully prevent prisoners from swimming to the mainland.

The government is reviewing human rights laws to see if they are allowed to puncture holes in the barge because the crocodiles are hungry. This is because Priti Patel feeds her pets about as often as Jeremy Hunt feeds working class children.

The Tories were quick to point out Labour is opposed to the use of sharks and crocodiles because it does not take the refugee problem seriously. Only the Tories support using refugees as live animal feed. This means Daily Mail readers are guaranteed to vote for them.

Critics claimed the plans to place 500 inmates on the barge represent 0.3% of our refugee population, suggesting this is nothing more than a gimmick. But Suella Braverman insisted they “greatly underestimate my ability to completely ignore health and safety rules”. Once this project is up and running, she will definitely squeeze 15,000 people onto the barge, mainly Corbyn supporters.

The barge called “Bibby Stockholm” has 222 cells, meaning some inmates will have to share a tiny room with two other people. The UK previously had a prison ship in 2006 and inmates were not allowed access to fresh air or exercise. In other words, it was fucking horrific.

The Bibby Stockholm barge was previously used by the Dutch government to imprison refugees and Suella’s eyes lit up when it was called an “oppressive environment”. It was initially claimed the barge would not be a prison, but the home secretary furiously said: “Just look at that thing, it clearly looks exactly like a prison and that’s because it’s a fucking prison!”

Someone suggested it still isn’t as bad as the conditions elderly people faced under Matt Hancock’s reign of terror to which Suella replied: “Fucking hell, I couldn’t treat refugees that badly! I might be evil, but even I’m not that evil!” This has led to concerns that Suella is secretly a bleeding heart lefty.

Strangely, the government said inmates will stay on the barge for 18 months while their asylum claims are processed. This doesn’t make sense because we’ve already decided that anyone arriving in a dinghy isn’t a real refugee. I can therefore only assume this is a lie to shut up lefties because inmates should be kept on the boat forever or until we can sink it.

Efforts are being made to ensure inmates will not leave the barge to access local services, but these plans have proven controversial. For example, a doctor’s surgery will be set up on the site. This has triggered fury among the gammonati because prisoners will find it easier to access GP services than hard-working tax payers do. (The Tories have confirmed they definitely can’t do anything about your three-month wait for a GP appointment.)

To make matters worse, they have announced the barge will have a canteen, meaning we will actually be giving the refugees food. I’m still unclear why can’t we just lock them aboard and wait for them to eat each other. I think I’ll suggest this to Suella next time I see her. We could even extend this idea to people on benefits. It would solve the food bank problem overnight!

The government has explained the prison ship will be significantly cheaper and crueller than placing refugees in hotels. This is still more than twice as expensive as regular refugee accommodation, but that is neither here nor there. The point is this system is much crueller, and we should be as cruel as possible to those who come to the UK to be hard-working tax payers. This is obviously the only way to ease the burden on hard-working tax payers.

The government explained housing refugees currently costs £6 million a day, which is roughly what Tories like Michael Gove spend on cocaine. Rishi Sunak said it “can’t be right” to spend that kind of money housing refugees because £42 million a week is a whopping 12% of the £350 million a week we saved by leaving the EU x

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