Government says it's currently unable to fix the UK's problems

because it doesn't want to...

As you are surely aware, our country is facing multiple problems due to the left-wing economic establishment making everything super bad. This has forced the prime minister to explain he is sadly unable to fix these problems because he can’t be arsed and he’s not in charge of his party anyway.

He is like a loner declaring he’s the owner of 30 feral cats who’ve taken over an abandoned building (or in this case Downing Street, much to the horror of Larry), but the cats are ignoring him and shitting wherever they feel like shitting because they’re Tories and the rules don’t apply to them (but they’re definitely open to bribes).

This country is being run exactly as it should be run: on pure selfish instinct with absolutely no sense of direction and ministers are steadfastly refusing to let their average IQ of 42 hold them back because they have donors to please!

With only 20 months until the next general election (which the Tories are going to lose because the country is full of lefties now), the best thing ministers can do is line their own pockets. And in true Tory style, that is what they intend to do.

Say what you want about the government and its mixed record on gulagging refugees and socialists, but its looting of the economy has proven highly effective.

For example, Akshata Murthy’s husband (whose name I forget) helpfully loaned one of her businesses £300,000 of taxpayer money before it went bust. This loan was definitely necessary because Akshata is only worth £700,000,000 and could not reasonably be expected to bail out her own business, just like she couldn’t pay her staff’s wages during the furlough period. You don’t get rich by spending your own money, do you?

In other news, Greg Hands (who has a role in government that I can’t remember) is also doing rather well for himself and his friends. Apparently, he referred one of his mates for a £25,000,000 PPE contract in the VIP lane, despite his company having no experience in making PPE.

That’s almost as clever as being an environment secretary who uses the local duck pond as a sewage overflow facility or being a culture secretary who retweets the sage-like musings of Stephen Yaxley-Lennon or being installed as prime minister when you can’t even use a McDonald’s kiosk or being Mark Francois and doing your best to fit in with regular earthlings.

The government truly are miracle workers, but if you’re concerned they are just lining their own pockets with absolutely no intention of helping you out, you’d be absolutely right, you lazy freeloader!

Jeremy Hunt has explained he is sadly unable to accept Martin Lewis's request to keep energy bills at £2,500 until June because he doesn't want to, despite wholesale gas prices falling to their lowest level in 534 days.

Although I’ve not received confirmation, I assume energy CEOs plan to slip him a sly ten grand when Carol Vorderman’s not looking so they can continue stealing billions from you. That would be quite a return on their investment, wouldn’t it?

You must enjoy energy bills that are two times higher than the rest of Europe’s because your government hates you two times more than any other European government hates its own people. And if you thought this announcement couldn’t be more exciting, I’ve even heard GP surgeries are closing in cold weather because they can't afford their heating bills. Isn't this brilliant?

As you can surely see by now, the Tories know what the working class want: barely literate halfwits like Lee Anderson who is good friends with Martin Dudley - a man who wears “white pride” t-shirts and has a white supremacist symbol tattooed on his bacon-tinged flesh. If you’re working class and you don’t think this kind of person represents people as poor as you, obviously you’re wrong.

All working-class people like to do is be racist, drink beer in Wetherspoons and punch each other until their teeth fall out. Jacob Rees-Mogg told me this and he knows a thing or two about the working class, given that he drinks their alcohol-tainted blood on a nightly basis. (Don’t worry, he can’t catch anything because he is technically immortal, but he does get a bit tipsy.)

Anyways, now that we’ve established you lot are idiots who don’t mind skateboarding to the local hospital when you’ve got a broken leg or putting dog food on your toast when the cupboards are getting empty or worshipping Lee Anderson like he’s your personal lord and saviour, I finally have a bit of good news!

The government has clarified that its anti-protest laws do not extend to far-right hooligans terrorising refugees and setting police vans on fire because they’re the Tories’ voter base. Instead, the rough treatment will be reserved for the true threats to society - lefties who are sexually attracted to polar ice caps, people who listen to Sam Smith songs with their AirPods, and the women who mourn murder victims at candle-lit vigils.

I bet you’re glad you voted Tory now, aren’t you? x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x